Maybe momma some day

Birth Story Part 2 - The Induction

2011-09-06T07:51:00.000-05:00

So Seriously, I started this post almost 3 months ago! I really need to get into a better blogging habit. If you need a refresher, here's Part 1.

OK so where we left off, A and I were headed to the hospital for our scheduled induction. Something I would like to note, on the way there, A and I were discussion our predictions for what was going to happen. A predicted that I would respond really well to the pitocin, and we'd have a baby by noon. I figured that knowing my luck, we'd be lucky if we had a baby by 4, and that I guessed we wouldn't be done before dinner.

We arrived at the hospital 8pm and went through all the initial questions. (A little sidebar, asking me if I feel safe at home while my husband is sitting right next to me seems a little counter productive doesn't it? No I'm terrified of my husband and I'm going to tell you all about it while he's in the room monitoring my every word...Riiiiight) About 8:30 our pastor arrived to spend a little time with us and pray with us before we got the pitocin going. I have to tell you how touched I was by this. The pastor and our church family have been just AMAZING through all of this. He called me on Wednesday wondering if we would like him to come by and what time. He wanted to be sure he was there before they started the meds so we could pray over the entire process. It was nearly 10pm before he left. I felt a little bad that he stayed so long, but I was really glad he did. I have to confess I was more nervous about the whole process than I wanted to admit at the time. Finally about 10:30 pm, the nurses got my Pitocin started, and our doula (we'll call her Mandy) arrived around 11pm. Now it just so happened that Mandy also happened to be a overnight L&D nurse at the hospital where we delivered, and happened to be the instructor for our childbirth class (which is how we met her) We got lucky that she was already scheduled to work Thursday night, so she was there with us for the entire induction, labor, and delivery.

Anyway, A slept pretty well most of the night on the oh-so-comfortable daddy chair (do you sense my sarcasm? The poor guy, the chair laid out into a bed, but was about 6 inches too short for his 6'2" frame. Now I on the other hand did not sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. I had to wear a blood pressure cuff that was going off every 15-30 minutes, plus Mandy was coming in every so often to up my pitocin a bit. So I rested, but I won't say I slept. Finally about 6:30 am, I gave up trying to sleep and got up to go to the bathroom. Mandy was in the room when I got up, but had to go get things ready for shift change so she told me she'd be back shortly to hook me back up to the monitors. We had been to the hospital enough times that I told her to take her time, I could get the fetal monitors plugged back in, just to turn off the blood pressure cuff so it didn't go nuts. So after I went to the bathroom, I plugged everything back in, Sat down on the bed and raised the back so I could comfortably sit up. I had sat back on the too far, and my butt was right on where the bed folds. As the top was raising I felt a sharp jab in my belly, and lowered the bed back down to scoot down a bit when all the sudden, my water broke! I just started giggling uncontrollably and A was so confused! But it TICKLED! I called to the desk to let the Nurses know, and they must have been in shift change rounds, because it took another 15 minutes or so for them to come in and help me change. Luckily I had been sitting right on the big absorbent pad when it broke, so there wasn't much of a mess, but every time I moved I could feel more fluid so I just sat and waited (giggling the whole time). The nurses thought I was crazy! They said they have NEVER had someone say it tickled. What can I say I'm an odd duck. So they got everything cleaned up, changed the bed, and checked me and at 7am, I was 3cm dilated. So far labor had been pretty easy, and I was feeling good about getting through this. I mean after all my water had broken on its own! How many inductions does that happen in? Mandy told us that she had only seen it a handful of times, and as an overnight nurse, she's seen a lot of inductions! (Our hospital starts inductions between 8pm and 12am preferably) My BP had been pretty stable all night, not great, but not scary high even during contractions, and my body was reacting really well to the Pitocin so we were feeling pretty good.

Next: Part 3 - Labor and Delivery

Save the Frosties Update

2011-08-29T10:16:00.001-05:00

I am just blown away by the generosity of the virtual world. We are well over half way to our goal of raising $500 to help Genevieve save her frozen embryos! If you look to the right there is now a thermometer helping track our progress. If you want o the whole back story please go check out this post.

If you've been waiting to look at stuff in the Etsy store, don't wait much longer! Tomorrow (Tuesday), I will be posting about 20 NEW ITEMS in the store. I'm also extending my Save the Frosties Sale, so for every item sold between now and Labor Day (September 5th) $10 will go to the Save the Frosties fund.

Please consider donating to the fund. On top of everything else, Genevieve and her husband were impacted, like so many others, by Hurricane Irene. Thankfully they didn't have any major damage, mostly just a lot of rain and wind, but it was another hurdle to climb over.

Can you help? Even $5 will get Genevieve's little Peanut closer to a brother or sister. Click the PayPal button to donate!

Save the Frosties!!!

2011-08-18T14:57:00.005-05:00

We're going to take a break from...OK from my break....for a very special message. Someday soon I'll be back with the second half of Bryan's birth story and an update on my 4 month old! (Holy cow is he really that old already!) For now, I'd like to put a plea out there about something that is very dear to my heart.

If you have followed my blog, you know that I had a IVF cycle buddy, Genevieve. Gen and her husband went through their IVF less than a week after A and I did, and their little boy Phelan was born about 3 weeks before Bryan, after giving his mommy pure hell for 35 weeks. She was such a trooper, but had every bad pregnancy symptom in the book, except preeclampsia which I took care of. Amazingly Phelan didn't have to spend a single minute in the NICU, even at 5 weeks early.

Unfortunately for Gen, the issues didn't stop there. Because she was on bed rest for the majority of her 3rd trimester, she had used up nearly all her leave and only got 6 weeks of maternity leave. That on top of a preemie baby made it difficult for her to establish a good milk supply, and although she hasn't given up (you go girl!) she has had to supplement with formula from the beginning. Then you throw in bum renters who don't pay their rent and trash your house (not to mention your good name when you throw them out), and DH losing his job (that he can't get unemployment benefits from because he was an independent contractor) it's been a rough couple of months for them.

Now Genvieve and her husband were lucky enough to have some extra embryos from their IVF that they were able to freeze. When DH lost his job, they did some research into their baby daddy (they used donor sperm) and discovered that there is no baby daddy juice left. They got the last of it for their IVF. What this boils down to is that in order for Phelan to have a full blood sibling, they have to use the embryos they have frozen. This means paying storage fees now that a year of free storage has passed. This is NOT CHEAP, and with only one income really hard to do.

I am a firm believer that no one should be forced to make a massive decision like what to do with remaining embryos because of money. Most of us who are lucky enough to be part of the ALI community already have, to some extent, had do base whether or not to have kids in the first place on money. Letting it tell you when you can and can't keep your embryos just isn't fair.

Genevieve and her DH want 2 kids. They want a brother or sister for Phelan that will have the same DNA. But they know they're not ready for that second baby now, even if they could afford the frozen cycle. The only way to make their dream come true is to keep those embryos on ice for a while longer, and that's going to cost $500.

I'll tell you. If I had a spare $500 lying around, I'd sent it to Genevieve in a heartbeat. If anyone deserves a second chance at pregnancy and being a mom its her. Unfortunately I don't have that kind of extra cash right now. But I do have $50. And I'd bet that you have $5 or $10. And I have an etsy store. And for everything in my store that sells before September 1st, I'll add another $10 to the "Save the Frosties" fund.

Can you help? Even $5 will get Genevieve's little Peanut closer to a brother or sister. Click the PayPal button to donate!

Birth Story Part 1 - The week before

2011-06-07T13:54:00.002-05:00

So My little man is already 8 weeks old. It's probably about time I shared his birth story isn't it? I'm going to put it up in parts.

First, the week leading up:
Monday: I've been on bed rest for 10 days due to Preeclampsia. I've been monitoring my blood pressure with an at home monitor with strict instructions to call the doc immediately if it EVER goes above 150/100. I'm home by myself, and have been having what we now know were gallbladder attacks pretty frequently. Around 11am, another one starts, and I take the gas-x hoping it won't get too severe this time. Within about 5 minutes the pain escalates to more severe than it's ever been, and I'm freaking out. As a precaution I take my BP and its over the not good threshold. (I don't remember what it was now, but it was HIGH). I call the OB's office and the nurse tells me that Dr. O is at the hospital in surgery, and with it that high I should just go there to be monitored so he can come see me. OK. I tell her I'm home by myself but will call my husband to come get me. She says you need to be there within 30 minutes. If you don't get him, call an ambulance. She's calling Labor & Delivery to tell them I'm on my way. I hang up with her and call A at work. No answer. I try his cell. No Answer. I try our friend J, no answer. I try her cell, no answer. I try her husband, D. No answer. Just as I'm about to call 911, J calls me back. Sure she can come get me, she just has to load up her 2 toddlers. I'm working on getting the dogs locked up D calls me back. I explain to him whats happening, and before I can tell him J is coming, he says he's on the way and hangs up. Since D's office is less that 5 minutes from my house, and J didn't even have the kids in the car yet, D came instead. While I'm waiting for him, I try A's coworker's desk. No answer. They must be in a meeting so I try the coworkers cell. He actually answers. I asked him if A is with him, he says yes, I ask him to have A meet me and D at the hospital. The co-worker looks at A and says "You, hospital, Now!" and that's it! A meets D and me at the front door with a wheelchair and up to L&D we go. I get all hooked up, to the monitors, baby is doing fine, but my BP goes haywire each time the pain flares up (surprise surprise). After about 3 hours the attack subsides and my BP stabilizes. The OB has some blood work drawn and checks my protein levels again, and says as long as my BP stays good I can go home at 7. I have my 38 wk appointment and an Ultrasound scheduled at the office for the next day, so he'll see me then. We have no other surprises, and I go home at 7. My SIL, K, and her 2 kids also arrive that evening.

Tuesday: I have my US scheduled for 10 and the Doctors appointment right after that. We go into the US and got to see great pictures. The baby was measuring about 7 1/2 lbs at that point (give or take a pound she said) and everything looked great. He was head down and facing back and settled into about a +1 or 0 station. We get into the room with Dr. O and he pulls out my lab work results from Monday. My protein levels look good, and most of the blood work looks ok, but my bile salts are on the rise. This is the one level that has been rising over the course of the last 10 days, and now it's to the point of being too high. I asked him and what does this mean? It means we're having a baby by the end of the week. At 38 weeks, the risks of what's happening with me are far higher than the risks to the baby being delivered. So we schedule the induction for Thursday night at 8pm with the plan to start a low dose of pitocin overnight in the hopes we can jump start my body into labor and not have to crank it up too high in the morning. Now keep in mind, my MIL is scheduled to have an angioplasty on Thursday morning. This is why my SIL was at our house. She came to bring her kids to D&J who were graciously going to watch them while A and K were in St. Louis for her procedure. K was going down Tuesday evening so she was there for all the pre-op stuff on Wednesday and A was going to go down Thursday morning for the procedure and come back Friday. Not so much anymore. But at least this way we would have the news from her procedure before we went to the hospital.

Wednesday - Thursday 8pm.: We have a mad dash finishing all the things that have to get done to head to the hospital. Packing bags, installing the car seat, making arrangements for the dogs. We did go to bible study on Wednesday, and my BP is the lowest it's been in ages while we're there. A goes to work both days to prepare for being home for 2 weeks with us. I spend most of the day finishing reading a book on Hypno-birthing, hoping to still have a natural childbirth, even through the pitocin. A gets home Thursday at 5, we pack up the car, take the dogs to the kennel, hit McDonalds (I know such a healthy last meal before giving birth, but we ran out of time), and head to the hospital.

Up Next: Birth Story Part 2 - The induction

6 Weeks? Really???

2011-05-24T16:40:00.000-05:00

Oh Wow has it really been over a month since I posted last? Holy cow how the time has flown. My little man is now 6 1/2 weeks old and just absolutely amazing. Things have been going really well around here, especially since all the family cleared out and we got on our own routine. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and was so glad they all came to visit, but A and I realized that in the first 4 weeks after we came home from the hospital we had a total of 5 days just the 3 of us. 5 out of 28. It was a little chaotic around here for a while.

So anyway, things are going really well. The Boy is sleeping and eating and pooping like a champ. He's a pretty content baby most of the time. We're finally starting to get a schedule going, including a solid afternoon nap time and being awake when daddy comes home for lunch and in the evening. Now we just have to work on a realistic morning routine, but that would require me getting up at 5am, and I really don't want to do that yet.

While the Boy is doing great, Momma is having some issues. Let me back up to about 2 weeks before he was born, right after I went on bed rest. I started having these really weird pains in my upper abdomen. They would build slowly and then *BANG* it was like someone had tightened a belt around my ribcage and wasn't letting it go. I would have trouble taking a breath, it hurt so bad to breathe deep. It would last anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours at the worst and then SUDDENLY disappear. Both A and my SIL (who has 2 kids) were convinced it was gas brought on by a sensitivity to dairy since it only seemed to pop up after I had a glass of milk or some ice cream. It was so BAD the Monday before I delivered that it caused my BP to skyrocket and an emergency trip to Labor and Delivery. Anyway, I delivered, and the pains didn't change! I was still getting this crazy painful pressure under my ribcage on the right side, although it still appeared to be brought on by dairy. Finally after 3 weeks of this not going away (silly me was thinking ti was just because all my insides hadn't gotten back to normal and it could still be gas) I finally called the OB and said we had to do something. He scheduled me a sonogram, and sure enough, I have 5 small to medium sized stones in my gallbladder! They called that day and scheduled me an appointment with a general surgeon to consult about having it out. That surgery is scheduled for this Thursday.

The good news is that this extends my Maternity leave by 2 weeks, the bad news is I will be spending it recovering, and if I didn't have a 6 week old at home I would probably recover much faster. The will be doing it outpatient and laproscopic, so assuming no complications I should be home Thursday afternoon. If it's anything like my LAP, I will be OK by Sunday, so fingers crossed.

Ok I've got to go wake up the boy so we can pick up Daddy from work. I'll leave you with a couple pictures of course :-)

Easter Sunday

BATMAN!

Milk Coma

1st Bath

Pirate Baby! (for his cousin's 3rd Birthday Party)

Super Baby!

Tummy Time (just taken Yesterday)

The first 10 days

2011-04-19T17:08:00.000-05:00

Holy cow. I can't believe it's been 10 days already. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was getting ready to head into the hospital to be induced. It's been a really crazy time, but I have to admit I am LOVING it. I love being a mom. Even the hard parts, the stinky diapers, the engorgement, the lack of sleep, all of it is so worth seeing that little face every day. Here's a quick recap of the last 10 days.

We came home on Sunday afternoon after a trip to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. We all pretty much slept the afternoon and evening away, and the first night was actually really easy. Bryan slept from 12-2 and from 3-6, and then Adam got up with him after the 6 am feeding and let me got back to bed 7-10!
Monday night was horrible. I think my milk was coming in, and it came in on one side sooner than the other. This threw the little man all out of whack. After snacking for 10-20 minute sessions every 90 minutes all day, he wanted nothing to do with the side that had no milk after about midnight, and would not settle down to sleep unless he was being held. Finally around 3am he zonked out enough for us to get back in the bed, and was up again at 5:30 and wouldn't settle down. When I went back in the nursery it was so cold, so I brought him into our room to warm up and eat, and before I knew it, it was 10:30!!! Apparently he was just cold!
We saw the pediatrician on Tuesday Bryan was down another 6 oz to 6lb 5oz, and right on the border for too much weight loss plus his bilirubin was up a little bit from where it was in the hospital. Since my milk had just come in, the doc wasn't worried though. As long as he gains weight and is peeing and pooping appropriately, we're good till the next appointment this Thursday. Doc thinks his system just needs flushing (which btw it looks like he was right, Bryan looks much better now)
Tuesday night went SO well A slept through the night I had no idea I even got up with the baby! I had been up at 2 and 6, and had to wake Bryan up to eat both times! We figured out that long sleeved sleepers and tight swaddles are what he needs to PASS OUT.
Thursday afternoon we took my Niece and Nephew (who had been staying with a friend while my SIL was with my MIL in the hospital...who had been there since the day Bryan was born) to give our friend a break. They hung out with us from lunch through dinner. It made for a crazy day, but the friend really needed a break and we were happy to help.
Friday my SIL made it back here, but unfortunately without my MIL. She developed a case of bronchitis, probably while in the hospital, and was not going to come around the baby until it got under control.
Saturday we had a visit from A's dad and Step-mom. That was a tough day for me I'm not gonna lie. A's step mom (Nana) is a bit of a baby hog, and I wasn't assertive enough to say when I needed my son back. She was snuggling him nearly the whole time they were here, and he was perfectly content to sleep in her arms, but as has been his MO, he didn't wake up and fuss when he needed to eat. Because he wasn't eating as often as he had been he wasn't dirtying diapers, so I had no good excuse to ask her to give him up. All on top of the fact that this is a weird relationship anyway, and I was really trying to not do anything to rock the boat. This all lead to a major emotional breakdown and me spending nearly an hour rocking in the nursery crying because I felt so out of control of the whole situation. It was BAD. Lesson learned, I have to be more assertive about my son's needs, because he is so easygoing he's not going to do it for me.
Sunday we took our first trip to church and it was amazing. A sings in the praise band, and one of the songs they lead was a song that was on the recordings we played on my belly before Bryan was born. A sings lead on it. he was awake but drowsy during the whole first part of the service, but as soon as A started singing his eyes popped WIDE open and he was very alert. It was SO COOL!
After church my dad came to visit. That was SO much more laid back than with A's dad, and for that I was thankful. Especially since on top of everything the day before, engorgement had set in in my right breast and it HURT. I actually ended up coming home from church, feeding the boy, and then pumping it dry to try and relieve it. I got a full 3 ounces AFTER the kid ate for 25 minutes. I have no idea if this is a lot or not, but it sure seems like a lot to have left since if I was bottle feeding, he'd be getting about 3oz per feeding. Ever since then I've been able to keep it under control thankfully. I certainly do not what to go through that pain again.
Yesterday and today have just been chilling out at home with the toddlers and recuperating from the weekend full of visitors.
I've done pretty good with the postpartum emotional roller coaster I think. I have a couple of completely irrational breakdowns...like the one when Bryan filled 3 diapers in a row and I was about ready to scream at him, or when I chewed A out because he had spent the day on projects other than what I felt needed to be done first (like cleaning up the yard or mowing or cleaning up the kitchen). What we have learned is the overtired mommy = emotional mommy and a good nap usually takes care of those emotional issues.
I am also dealing with those feelings of being some what of an impostor still. Every day a stare in amazement at my son and can't believe that we get to keep him. Part of it still doesn't seem real. This was my one semi-reasonable breakdown. I was loving on him one morning while he was laying on our bed and I was supposed to be getting dressed. All of the sudden I was just overcome with how absolutely perfect and wonderful he is and what an absolute miracle he is and I just lost it. A came in and saw me all huddled over him crying and about lost his mind. I can't help but wonder if he thought something was wrong with the baby instead of me. At least he understood why I was crying THAT time :-)

Ok that's all for now. I'm hearing an urgent code MOO coming from the hubby's lap, and then we have to get ready to go to bible study. Hope you're having a great week!

Holy crap...I'm a mom

2011-04-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

Good evening blog friends! As I type this note, I am sitting on the couch with my son sleeping on my chest. Yea my SON! It's so weird to actually be saying that. We are all doing pretty good. So my bloggy friends, say hello to Bryan McConnell

gulp

2011-04-06T16:55:00.000-05:00

Well readers, we have a definite baby day. I will be going in tomorrow evening at 8pm to be induced. My BP has been ok, but now my liver enzymes and Bile Salts are elevated, and my OB feels that the risks of my staying pregnant are higher than the benefits. I'm progressing slowly in dialation, up to 1.5-2cm and more effaced than last week (although he didn't give me a number), and the boy has dropped even more so probably a 0 station. We're hoping to be able to start on the lowest dose of pitocin and keep it there for 6-8 hours and then see where we're at. If we can jumpstart labor and then let it go on its own, we will. I'm not counting on it, but keeping my fingers crossed that its at least a possibility.

Either way, its happening, and its happening this week! TOMORROW! We should have our little man here by Friday night. I am surprisingly not really all that nervous or scared, just ready for it to be here. We'll have the laptop and camera at the hospital with us, so hopefully I'll be able to update by Saturday.

Next time you hear from me, my baby boy will be here!!!

37 Weeks and an update

2011-04-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

How far along: 37 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 03/28/11) +22.4, 227.4 I lost a pound!!!!

Maternity clothes: All maternity all the time. I'm actually to the point where if I don't have a pretty supportive waistband, I have to add a belly band back or I'm uncomfortable by mid-afternoon.

Stretch marks: Meh. Most of the area under my belly button is all stripy now, but they're no TOO horrible.

Sleep: Getting worse but varying from night to night. Seems to alternate, one good night one awful night.

Movement: Lots and lots and lots! It's too much fun to watch the alien moving around.
Cravings: Been all about BBQ chicken this week.

Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back! Just look at my weight gain can't you tell?
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica. Nose bleeds are under control. Preeclampsia in full force BOO!
What I miss: Being able to do ANYTHING for my self. Bed rest really stinks.

What I look forward to: Ultra sound next week. Seeing my little man FOR REAL!

Moods: Honestly, I've been scared a lot this week. I hate not feeling in control. I've been doing everything in my power to keep my BP down, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
Milestones: We made it to April 1st! 37 weeks and the point of no delaying labor YEA!

Medical Concerns: Just the preeclampsia, isn't that enough.
Weekly Wisdom: If bed rest is in your future, you have to just let go. I've really struggled with letting people do things for me this week, and I've been paying for it. The times I don't let people help, my bp goes up. Its tough, accepting help from other people, especially when I feel so helpless, but it's gotta be done.
Worst moment this week: Confirmed bed rest, and until this baby comes.
Best moment this week: Not that I needed to be reminded, but A has been just absolutely AMAZING this week. I may complain that he's being way to strict and overprotective, and call him my warden, but I know its just because he's concerned about me and the little man. This bed rest is probably harder on him than it is on me, and he has just been awesome. Now to top it off, he's not feeling good tonight, and I can't take care of him.

So the update since Monday night. I had my 37 week appointment on Tuesday, and we spent over 2 hours there. First we had all the usual stuff, then we went over our "birth preferences" with my OB. As I had anticipated, it was mostly unnecessary, he is totally on board with all our preferences (as i knew he would be). He is a firm believer that doing everything you can to make it so labor happens naturally. Even if it means putting me on hospital bed rest before medicating me. SO for now I get to bide my time at home, monitoring my blood pressure with an at home reader and chilling out on the couch.

I had a non-stress test this morning, and everything looked good, and I got permission for short expeditions outside the house as long as my BP is less than 135/85 before we leave, I'm not up and about for more than 60-90 minutes, and I'm not going to be doing a lot of walking around. So I can go to the store with A or to church on Sunday, as long as I take it easy. YEA! That's about all I know for now. I'm going to go pour some Nyquil down A's throat and crawl into bed. Hopefully he'll feel better tomorrow.

Yep its pre-eclampsia

2011-03-28T20:54:00.000-05:00

I think the title says it all. I had my follow up with the OB nurse this morning. My BP was up again, and didn't really come down after resting for 30 minutes. Since dr. O was at the hospital performing surgeries, he had them send me over for 4 hour monitoring. We were ther for about 45 minutes when he got a break and came by to see me, and my Bp hadn't really come down much at all yet. At that point he said he wanted to continue monitoring until about 3, but it was in his mind preeclampsia and I would be on bed rest for the duration. He said his primary goal was to keep me pregnant for as long as possible, and keep my BP down so we could avoid an induction. Have I mentioned how much I love my OB?!?!? I told him that if bed rest was what it took to keep me from having to be induced, I would not leave my bed for 2 weeks!

He really would like me to get to 39 weeks, which is just 2 and a half weeks away! Luckily we're pretty good to go. A installed the carseat yesterday, the labor bag is just about packed, and I'm feeling pretty good about every thing. Everything else will fall into place. So now we will go in for non-stress tests about twice a week and just wait for the little man to decide he's ready. 2-3 weeks of bed rest is no big deal when I look at the grand scheme of things, and it will give me an opportunity to write thank you notes, do some reading and cross-stitching, and maybe even get my birth announcements made up....if I can just get someone to go get me the supplies. Luckily I kinda know what I want.

Maybe I can convince the warden to let me go on a supply excursion with my sister on Friday...maybe.

pre-preeclampsia?

2011-03-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

Well it looks like I've definitely got some underlying issues going on here. We got the results back from the urine catch and my protein levels are "elevated". The nurse didn't have the actual numbers in front of her, so I will get them when I go in on Monday morning. I have to go in Monday for a BP recheck and another urine test.

All in all I'm feeling ok. I've had a headache off and on all day but it seems to be more a side effect of what I do or don't eat instead of what I do or don't do. I've been a good girl and sat on the couch all day. The only real weirdness I've had is that I've been so HOT all day. But it could have more to do with the heat in our house than me. The thermometer on the lower level says it's still 76 degrees down here. UGH. I've been laying around in a cami and yoga pants all day.

We did get a couple final things done in the nursery, or I should say A did while I sat in the glider. The shelves are up, the final wall decorations are up, and a bunch more clothes got sorted. A also stripped and washed 2 loads of prefolds for me today. I think we finally got the used prefolds that I got on the CHEAP clean. The previous owner must not have known what she was doing to wash them there was a TON of soap suds in the basin when we rinsed them. UGH. It took a whole tone of rinses plus stripping to get them to stop sudsing, but I think we finally got there. We've got one more load of inserts, and then to strip and wash the 15 BumGenius pockets that are coming in the mail next week (also used but SUPER CHEAP) and I think we'll have all the diapers ready to go. I've got quite the starter stash built up, and I am excited.

If nothing else, bedrest will help me blog more often. I mean come on this is, what, 4 posts in 5 days? Crazy unheard of I know right!

So much for winning the blood pressure battle

2011-03-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

Yep you read that right, I'm not winning the blood pressure battle anymore. In fact as I write this I am in the middle of my 24 hour urine catch and relegated to strict bed rest (as in couch or bed with my feet up and only allowed to get up to pee or get food/water). Here's what happened.

Yesterday I was feeling a little off at work. The best way I could describe it was to tell A that I felt like I had taken a vicodin. Just generally blah. Very sleepy, and I was having a hard time focusing, and I one point I went to grab my water bottle and my arm felt like it weighed 20 pounds. We went and got lunch, thinking maybe my blood sugar was low, and after eating I still wasn't feeling great, so I went to have the office nurse take my blood pressure. Sure enough it was up, 156/94ish. I called the doctors office, even though I knew my doc was on vacation, and the nurse asked me to lay down and relax while she got in touch with the on call doc. So I laid down in the nurse's office for an hour and waited for her to call back. Just before she called, the nurse came to check on me, and my BP was back down to 126/66. I thought I was going to be good. The nurse called back told me they wanted me to go home and take it easy and do a 24 hour urine catch (oh yea fun), and to have the nurse take my BP one more time when I stood up. If it spiked again, I was to be on strict bed rest until results came back Monday, and if it didn't then modified bed rest. Sure enough, just my luck, it spiked to 146/86 just from standing up and walking out to the main part of the office. So into the wheelchair I went to be escorted tot he door by the nurse. A took me to the hospital for my blood draw and to get the stuff I needed for the urine catch and then brought me home and on the couch I plopped for the rest of the afternoon.

I'm feeling a little better today, definitely not as medicine-heady as yesterday, but still a little off. The little man seems to be just fine. He's moving around about like usual. I'm on watch for reduced fetal movement, crazy vision issues, pain, or excessive swelling. Any of those symptoms will earn me an immediate trip to L&D which of course we don't want yet.

Truth is this is really hard for me. I hate the though that I am just sitting here while there is still so much I should be doing. I still have sewing to do, there's laundry to be done, cleaning that needs to happen. Plus I'm not packed for the hospital, arrangements still need to be made for the dogs, and I don't even want to think about all the stuff at work that isn't ready yet. I know all this fretting isn't helping the situation any, but I can't help it. Its my nature to be a worrier, and I HATE not being in control. I just have to remember to let it go and let A take care of things. Deep breaths...

36 Weeks

2011-03-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

How far along: 36 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 03/14/11) +23.6, 228.6 Really, all in all not too bad. I wanted to stay under +25, and I'm not sure I'll make that, but I'm gonna be close

Stretch marks: Meh. Most of the area under my belly button is all stripy now, but they're no TOO horrible.

Sleep: Getting worse but varying from night to night. Last night was horrible, up every 2 hours or so. Over the weekend, I slept 8 FULL hours both Friday and Saturday night.

Movement: Lots and lots and lots! It's too much fun to watch the alien moving around.
Cravings: Still just Mexican.

Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back! Just look at my weight gain can't you tell?
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force. Nose bleeds are under control. On Blood Pressure Watch.
What I miss: Being able to do simple things like tie my own shoes or pick up something I drop.

What I look forward to: Ultra sound next week. Seeing my little man FOR REAL!

Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute but been a lot better lately I think.
Milestones: Less than a month to go! OH and the stroller and car seat were delivered yesterday!

Medical Concerns: Nothing really, just typical stuff for this point. Gotta keep the blood pressure down!
Weekly Wisdom: People really don't intend to be mean when they say "Oh you've gotten so BIG" but it still stings. Just be prepared for at least 3 people to say it every day.
Worst moment this week: Really it's been a pretty good week. I'm trying really hard to not let stuff get to me; in part because it's not good for my blood pressure, and in part because I gave up sweating the small stuff for Lent :-) I'm sure you can guess how that's going.
Best moment this week: OMG do I have to pick just one? Finding out Genevive had her baby and DIDN'T have to stay extra at the hospital. And our trip up north to get a couple last things. We got a swing that is compatible with our car seat so that if little man is sleeping when we get home, we don't have to take him out!!! We can just plop the car seat right into the swing and go about our business!!! SWEET!! Plus we did our Maternity photo shoot this weekend..that was a BLAST!

Here's a preview of the Maternity shoot:

I'm alive

2011-03-21T16:46:00.001-05:00

Holy CRAP! how in the heck did nearly 6 weeks go by and I haven't posted?!?!?!? BAD BLOGGER! I promise I'm still here, I'm still pregnant, and the little man is doing great. We've had a couple hiccups along the way these last couple weeks, but nothing major. Here's a run down of the last 2 weeks.

I had a minor UTI that actually resulted in a trip to L&D before I knew I had it. Some antibiotics and a week later I was totally good to go.
Right now we're fighting the blood pressure battle, and winning mostly. Must.stay.calm.
The nursery is almost ready to go, we've got to make a trip to IK.EA this week to get a couple last things, and I've GOT to do some sewing. Still need a curtain and new cushion and cover for the glider.
I had my baby shower the first week of March, and I am just floored at how much this little man is loved, even BEFORE anyone gets to meet him.
Heartburn SUCKS! oh and did you know excess calcium carbonate can cause major constipation? Yea now you do, and so do I.
We've been taking our childbirth classes for the last 4 Tuesday nights, tomorrow is the last one, and I am actually loving it! And our instructor is a doppelganger for Heather Graham!
We got a new memory foam mattress topper and a new, higher bed frame, and I actually got 8 FULL HOURS of sleep both days this weekend. I couldn't believe it! I felt so much more refreshed yesterday than I have in a LONG time.

If you haven't heard, Genevive had her little Cricket last night at 35 weeks and had NO NICU time!!! I"ll let you head over to her blog to find out if Cricket is a boy or a girl :-)

Ok that's my quick and dirty. We're getting down to the wire. Just a month to go (assuming my little man doesn't pull a cricket). I've still got a ton to do it seems like, but I am SO EXCITED!!!!

30 weeks

2011-02-10T07:28:00.001-06:00

How far along: 30 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 01/04/11) +18.6, 223.6 I knew this was going to be dad. I put on 8 lbs in the last 5 weeks! EEK! I have GOT to get back in the pool.
Maternity clothes: All maternity. My tights came in and OMG they are SO comfortable!
Stretch marks: Actually staying pretty under control. Gotta love Palmer's cocoa butter.
Sleep: Hit or miss. Most nights it's ok, but I'm up at least once except on RARE occasion. Sometimes its because I have to pee, sometimes its because of the sciatica, and if I slip off of the pillow so my head isn't elevated, its because of heartburn.
Movement: Lots and lots and lots! He must be starting to get cramped in there though, it's starting to be uncomfortable at times. It's too funny when I'm lying in bed at night snuggled up to A's back and he'll start going...A yells at him to go to sleep!
Cravings: OK I'm admitting it. Mexican is my craving...and not even real Mexican, cheap generic American Mexican. I have eaten more Taco Bell in the last 3 months than I have in probably 5 years. We go to the Mexican restaurant in town (you know the place one of those cheap Mexican sit downs where the menus are all the same but its really fast and really good) at least 3 times a month. Lots of Mexican...even chips and salsa does the trick at home in a pinch.
Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back! Just look at my weight gain can't you tell?
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force. No new nose bleeds this week thankfully, but now that I know what appears to be triggering them, I can hopefully keep them in check.
What I miss: Beer ...again....Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch the Superbowl without a beer in my hand??? WOW I really sound like an alcoholic, but the truth is beer and football go together in my house!
What I look forward to: Still on belly button watch. Depending on how I'm sitting at night, it threatens to turn inside out, but nothing permanent yet. Putting up the crib this weekend! Its supposed to be here today!!!
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute but been a lot better lately I think.
Milestones: Single digit weeks left
Medical Concerns: Nothing really, just typical stuff for this point. Gotta keep the blood pressure down to keep the nose bleeds away I guess. Developed another Upper Respiratory thing. I've been super congested since Saturday and it just stinks!
Weekly Wisdom: Everyone has advice (and most of it will be ass-vice) Just smile and nod and move on. The more you try and tell people you don't want/need/care for their advice, the more they give it to you.
Worst moment this week: Finding out a bloggy friend who is due the same week I am is on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. She's had a really rough go with all of this, and it's totally not fair. If you have a minute, please go share some bloggy love with Genevieve and remind cricket its not her time yet :-)
Best moment this week: Having a bunch of friends over for the Superbowl which means I have a CLEAN HOUSE! I actually feel on top of things for once. I totally didn't do my typical freak out the morning of a party at our house, and actually stayed calm cool and collected the whole day. It was great!

29 Weeks...Really???

2011-02-03T14:36:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe I am at 29 weeks already! Where has the time gone. It is crazy to think that 11 weeks (ish) from now, there will be a little man at my house!

How far along: 29 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 01/04/11) +10.8, 215.8 I have a feeling this is going to be BAD next week (my appointment got pushed back a week because of snowmageddon! More on that to come).
Maternity clothes: All maternity. I finally ordered tights. I can't WAIT until they get here!
Stretch marks: Actually staying pretty under control. Gotta love Palmer's cocoa butter.
Sleep: Meh. I'm waking up about 3am every night. Sometimes its because I have to pee, sometimes its because of the sciatica, and if I slip off on pillow so my head is't elevated, its because of heartburn.
Movement: Lots and lots and lots! He must be starting to get cramped in there though, it's starting to be uncomfortable at times. It's too funny when I'm lying in bed at night snuggled up to A's back and he'll start going...A yells at him to go to sleep!
Cravings: I'm still not really craving much of anything. Lots of Mexican...chips and salsa does the trick.
Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back!
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force. Two minor nose bleeds this week...it now seems to be associated with a sudden rise in blood pressure. The first one happened after A and I got in a screaming match. This one happened after he tried to pressure me into something I was scared to do. Hrmmm.
What I miss: Being able to sit cross legged...I never realized how much I do this until this week, and now I can't!
What I look forward to: Maternity pictures hopefully sometime in the next couple weeks. My belly button popping...its so close!!!
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute but been a lot better lately I think.
Milestones: Nursery painting is DONE! (pics to come) Ordered the crib and changing table.
Medical Concerns: Nothing really, just typical stuff for this point. Gotta keep the blood pressure down to keep the nose bleeds away I guess.
Weekly Wisdom: Don't freak about the little things. Save the freak-outs for the big things, otherwise when the big things come, it will be crying wolf syndrome with the hubby.
Worst moment this week: Fight with A that brought on the nosebleed. Being snowed in on Tuesday/Wednesday. I was going Stir Crazy by Wednesday afternoon!
Best moment this week: Finishing the nursery painting. I can't tell you how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. When I'm feeling cranky, I just have to go sit in there for a minute and it all goes away.

The power of chlorine & 28 Weeks

2011-01-28T08:59:00.000-06:00

It always amazes me how a smell can totally transform your thought process, can take you back to another place, another time. Last night, for the first time in probably close to thirteen years, I got in a lap pool and actually swam laps. I swam in high school, and although I wasn't this amazing athlete, until I screwed up my knee summer between JR and SR year I did pretty good. I pushed myself really hard the summer between FR and SO year and made the varsity team as a sophomore. I loved spending 2 hours a day in the water just me and my thoughts. It was not only great exercise, it was very therapeutic mentally. I truly forgot how much I enjoyed that time. I attempted to join the team in college, but my knee just wasn't up for the abuse. I've come up with all the excuses in the book not to go back; I don't have the right gear, The gym is so far I'm gone for 90+ minutes for just a 30 min swim, the chlorine makes me itch, blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse. While cleaning out the nursery to get it ready for paint, I found my old swim bag that had in it all my stuff...cap, goggles, training buoy, even a towel and shammy! (you know those sham wow things that are all over the infomercials? year swimmers and divers have been using them for YEARS!) Although there is no way I'm getting into the speedo that was in that bag, I did have one that would work, and it fit even 28 weeks pregnant. I remembered a couple weeks ago that my university offers free passes to its alumni to used the Athletic center and pool, and its just down the road. So on Tuesday I went to the office and got my alumni pass. I had no more excuses. For my sake, for my baby's sake, I needed to get some REAL exercise in my routine. So I did it. I went and swam for 40 minutes last night, and it was absolutely AMAZING! I walked into that locker room an it was like I was 16 all over again. The smell of chlorine in the air was unmistakable. I slid into the pool and started out and it was like I hadn't missed a day. The old rhythms came back so easily. Granted I got tired and out of breath quicker than I remembered, but the longer I stuck with it, the easier the breathing rhythm became. After 40 minutes I felt so refreshed and rejuvenated that I can't for the life of me figure out why I waited so long to get back at it! My new routine is going to be 40ish minutes Tuesdays, Thursdays, and either Saturday or Sunday. I figure 3 days a week from now until this little man comes and then back again as soon as I can after he gets here should help keep me in decent shape. Here's hoping.

Now the Survey:
How far along: 28 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 01/04/11) +10.8, 215.8 I have a feeling this is going to be BAD next week.
Maternity clothes: All maternity. I really need to find a pair of tights or leggings so I can wear all my dresses that I got!
Stretch marks: Actually staying pretty under control.
Sleep: Meh. I'm usually waking up at least once, but I usually can roll over and go back to sleep. The sciatica is the worst an night, and I REALLY miss sleeping on my back.
Movement: Lots and lots and lots! I love it!
Cravings: I'm surprised that I'm not really craving much of anything. Although I did figure out why I've been wanting T@co Be|| so much...the combination of soft and crunchy I can get.
Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back!
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force I keep a bottle of antacids in my purse, in my desk at work, in the bathroom at home and in the family room! No Nose bleeds this week! Major Constipation! UGH!
What I miss: Sleeping on my back.
What I look forward to: Maternity pictures hopefully sometime in the next couple weeks. My belly button popping...its so close!!!
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute but been a lot better lately I think.
Milestones: Got the nursery half painted, hope to finish it this weekend.
Medical Concerns: Nothing really, just typical stuff for this point
Weekly Wisdom: I'm going to say it again, take time for You! The way I felt when I got home last night is proof to me that it HAS to happen.
Worst moment this week: Really I can't think of one. Its been a pretty good week.
Best moment this week: Finding 40+ prefolds and 8 covers for less than $40. I <3 Craigslist!

27 Weeks

2011-01-20T10:21:00.001-06:00

Survey Time!
How far along: 27 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 01/04/11) +10.8, 215.8
Maternity clothes: All maternity. I really need to find a pair of tights or leggings so I can wear all my dresses that I got!
Stretch marks: Another new one on my belly, this time on the right. It's still small, but I can see it starting to form. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY! I've started using Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness, tightness, and itching away. Loving it!
Sleep: Getting worse. I am waking up several times during the night, sometimes because of the little man...sometimes because of the big man. Apparently I have started taking over the bed in my sleep.
Movement: Lots and lots and lots! I love it!
Cravings: Nothing weird...whatever I see an add for!
Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back!
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force I keep a bottle of antacids in my purse, in my desk at work, in the bathroom at home and in the family room! Nose bleeds of course, although only one very minor one this week!
What I miss: Feeling "normal". I have just had the general blahs for weeks now. Not feeling bad, just not feeling great either.
What I look forward to: Painting in the nursery and setting up furniture :-) Hopefully some of that this weekend.
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: Nothing major this week...
Medical Concerns: Nose bleeds are still the big one. I'm SO ready to be done with that. General upper respiratory issues.
Weekly Wisdom: Take time for You! Being super woman all the time does nothing but run you down.
Worst moment this week: Filling on Tuesday. The whole left side of my face was numb for almost 4 hours! UGH
Best moment this week: Sitting and having little man listen to daddy sing. We got a bunch of recordings from the church A sings with and he put the songs he sings lead on a playlist on the iPad so I can put headphones on my belly and he can listen. He was dancing away! Love it!

Lazy Tuesdays??

2011-01-18T10:49:00.000-06:00

So I have to admit, I'm LOVING this Tuesdays off work stuff. Its a nice break when I need it, and it allows me one guaranteed day to sleep in a little (hey when you're getting up at 5 most days, 8:30 feels like noon!)

It does have its drawbacks though. Like today for example. I had to get a filling done and my OB wanted me to wait until at least 24 weeks to do it, and this was the first they could get me in. Works out well really; it means I don't have to take time off work to make it happen. I scheduled it for this morning thinking that I would then be able to come home and relax for a couple hours while the Novocaine wore off (can I just say how much I HATE Novocaine), and then get a couple things done in the afternoon if I felt up to it. Unfortunately A has other plans. HE wants to have a productive day today...ALL DAY. His f@cebook status this morning was "sleep... glorious sleep!! Now to be productive today!" UGH. Don't get me wrong I'm glad he's motivated. I just wish sometimes that HIS being motivated didn't require ME to be motivated. SO instead of laying around and being lazy today, I have a list of things that I should get accomplished.

Now before you jump his gut, in his defense, everything that is on my list is things that I have either a) needed to get done since the first of the year, or b) need to get done so he can remove old wallpaper and prime the nursery. But still...I DON'T WANNA. *pout* I just want to lay around and be lazy for a couple of hours because my left eyeball is numb. I want to be a little pitiful cause I've felt like crap for a week and dang it I deserve a pitiful lazy day once in a while. Then he reminds me that we are only 13 weeks from this baby being here, and probably only 6 weeks from me really being up to doing much at all, so I should take advantage of every minute I have.

Gosh I hate it when he's right. Guess I should stop procrastinating and go help. If I don't want him to throw out everything in the last couple boxes of stuff that are in the nursery, I really need to go and sort through them myself.

*Sigh*

Wake-up times and Nosebleeds and 26 Weeks...oh my!

2011-01-13T07:32:00.000-06:00

What a crazy week it has been! A and I started our new schedules the first of the year, working 4 10 hour days instead of 5 8 hour days, and it has been quite the project getting used to it. We're nearly done with the second week, and I'm still struggling to get my butt up that extra hour and a half early. Why is it that going into work an hour earlier requires an extra half hour of prep? I'm a night time showerer, and I used to be able to roll out of bed and be ready to walk out the door 30 minutes later no problem. With this shift in leave time though, I'm lucky if I'm ready within 50 minutes of getting out of bed. I don't know if I'm just getting slower because it's harder to move quickly or what, but it's really annoying. I wasn't counting on loosing an hour and a HALF of sleep, just an hour, so this is totally throwing me off! I have GOT to get myself to bed by 10. Then I'm in pretty good shape. Any later than that, and getting up on time just doesn't happen.

Monday night turned into quite the eventful, albeit craptastic evening. I got out of a meeting about 2:45, got back to my desk, and about 3 my nose started bleeding, again. Ok no biggie, I clamped down on it, sat relaxed at my desk for 5 minutes and figured it would be all good. Not only did it not stop, but what was a one nostril bleed turned into a double. So I clamped down on both sides and figured I'd give it another 5 minutes. Tick Tock Tick Tock, 5 minutes later, still bleeding...GREEEAAAATTT. OB's instructions were to call if I had one last longer than 10 minutes, so I call. The nurse tells me to keep up the pressure and add ice in 5-7 minute increments and if it hasn't stopped by 3:45 or 4 I should probably got to promptcare. Ok. A runs down tot he corporate nurse and gets me a couple crack pack ice packs and I sit with ice and tissues on my face for the next 30 minutes. 3:45 rolls around and I think we might be done so I sit up from where I was leaned over my desk and woosh! Here it comes again. So off to Prompt care we go. We get there, my BP is really high (for me, still not be concerned high), and the doc can't see the source of the bleeding, so when it's still bleeding after another 10 minutes there, he sends me upstairs to the ENT. The ENT does her thing with the scope down my nose, sees the source and say we're going to try packing your nose first. So she shoves some cotton halfway to my brain, and we sit for another 10 minutes (probably at an hour and a half of bleeding at this point). The nurses up there were so sweet, and I was so grateful to them, you could tell we were keeping them from going home. Anyway, 10 more minutes go by, we pull out the packing (which attached itself to my toes at this point) and wait...nope still bleeding. So what now? We'll have to cauterize it she says. Oh BOY! She sticks these brown chemical laden swabs up my nose and rubs it all around my open blood vessel. Let me just tell you this is one of the most UNCOMFORTABLE experiences I have ever had. Never mind the wooden stick halfway to my brain or the cold metal nostril spreader stretching my poor nose 3 times its normal size, that crap sting like a $&^#$*! The NP warned me that I was going to want to say a bad word, and although I didn't curse at her, I did almost puke right there on her nice white lab coat. We left there around 5:15 with all sorts of fun stuff for me to squirt up my nose and strict instructions not to blow my nose for 2 Weeks! Are you serious? I've made it so far, but if this sinus congestion doesn't go away soon, it's going to be a loosing battle I'm afraid. So I spent most of Monday evening being miserable and most of Tuesday recuperating. I feel much better now, and I do have to admit the saline gel and spray is helping to keep my nose a little softer on the inside, but I still don't like it. Oh well, when you figure this is really the worst problem I've had so far, I consider myself pretty lucky.

Survey Time!
How far along: 26 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (As of 01/04/11) +10.8, 215.8
Maternity clothes: All maternity or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). I cleaned all the pre-pregnancy clothes out of my closet this weekend. I got 2 new pair of Maternity pants that I love, but haven't been able to find true leggings or tights which I still need. Any suggestions?
Stretch marks: Another new one on my belly, this time on the right. It's still small, but I can see it starting to form. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY! I've started using Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness, tightness, and itching away. Loving it!
Sleep: Crazy good actually. I sleep through the night most nights, and although I have to pee pretty quick as soon as I get up, I'm not waking up in the middle of the night either
Movement: Lots and lots and lots! I love it! Felt the first batch of Hiccups this week, so FUN!
Cravings: Nothing weird...whatever I see an add for!
Aversions: Pretty much gone. My love affair with food is back!
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force I keep a bottle of antacids in my purse, in my desk at work, in the bathroom at home and in the family room! Nose bleeds of course.
What I miss: Beer. I'm not a big drinker, but I do appreciate a good beer now and again, and have to go all football season without one has really stunk.And this is really hard because A is a homebrewer, and had his homebrew club meeting this week. I went to pick his "happy" butt up and they were sampling someone's Red Ale, which happens to be my favorite. :-(
What I look forward to: Painting in the nursery and setting up furniture :-)
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: First Hiccups, starting to accumulate baby stuff.
Medical Concerns: Nose bleeds are the big one. I'm ready to be done with that.
Weekly Wisdom: Listen to your body. Do whatever it tells you it needs.
Best moment this week: New Haircut on Tuesday! I LOVE IT!!!!

Thirty-One Skirt Purse: A review

2011-01-08T12:27:00.000-06:00

OK one of the things I said I wanted to do a while back was some honest real person reviews of products I've purchased. Please know that I am not receiving any products or any compensation from any company. These are simply items that I have purchased and used and my honest opinions about them.

Thirty-One Skirt Purse

My SIL is a Thirty-One consultant, and I bought this purse in October 2010. I'm not typically a big purse snob, since I don't like to spend large amounts of money on myself. I have a couple of secondhand Coach purses, and while I do like them a lot, I just can bring myself to spend the money on them. So I usually but a purse once a year or so and carry it until it wears out, and then buy a new inexpensive one and the cycle continues. Lately I've been feeling like I would like to have more flexible purse options so I can change my purse depending on the time of year, or outfit, or whatever else might be going through my mind at the time, but the truth is I HATE CHANGING PURSES. There's nothing more annoying than getting used to the set-up of your purse, having it all organized so you know where everything is and then changing purses and now you can't find anything anything. In walks the Thirty-One Skirt purse. The premise is that you buy 1 purse (a solid that comes with one patterned skirt) and then you just buy additional skirts. When you want to change the look of your purse, you just change the skirt a voila! you have a "new" purse. I bought the combination you see above, as well as an additional skirt in a print called Floral Fanfare. You can also get the base purse in black instead of brown. As the seasons change the prints available for skirts will also change. New ones will come out, old ones will be retired, so the options are consistently changing.

The Specs:

Size: 15.5x9x3.5 (or 15x10.5x6.5 for the bigger City Skirt Purse)
Color: Black or brown base purse, assorted prints for skirts
Price: $42 for the base purse and 1 skirt, $15 for additional skirts. (plus tax and shipping)
Where to buy: From your Thirty-One Consultant or contact me if you don't have one.

Likes:

I LOVE the flexibility of changing the outside of this purse. I used the floral print for most of the fall and changed it to the Red skirt after Thanksgiving. It mad me feel like my purse had a sweet holiday flair to it. Changing the skirts is quick and simple and doesn't require emptying the purse unless I've really stuffed it. And all the skirts are machine washable so it it gets dirty it's easily fixed!
It's a good size to carry enough stuff, but not carry so much it weighs 40 pounds. I'm one of those people that if I carry a big purse I WILL fill it, so I force myself to carry a smaller purse. This purse is 15x9 inches and only 3 inches wide, so plenty big enough for my wallet and other purse essentials, but not so big that I can load it up.
The design of the skirts is very simple. I've been able to make my own skirts out of fabric I have at home. This gives me even MORE flexibility in patterns since I now have the WHOLE fabric store to choose from.
I am a huge fan of hobo style purses. The straps are just the right length for me to be able to put it on my shoulder easily, but not so long that it hangs down to my butt. I can carry it on my shoulder, in the crook of my elbow, or just in my hand without having to worry about it dragging on the ground.
It has a quick magnet closure. I have a severe dislike of zippered purses. I always feel obligated to keep them zipped, which then becomes a pain when I need to get in it quickly to grab something (like my phone) and it always seems like the zipper pull is getting in the way. This purse has a single magnetic snap closure that is unobtrusive and effective yet easy to get in and out of.
The skirts fold up nice and flat for storage. I could store 10 or 12 in the same space that 1 additional purse would take up.
Definitely Budget Friendly. After the first purchase, $15 for a "new" purse sounds like a steal to me!

Dislikes:

This purse is lacking in compartments. It has one small zippered side pocket and a cell phone pocket in one wall. The cell phone pocket is too small for my droid x, so instead it holds my work ID and business cards. With no other dividers of any sort, it's just one big bag. I ended up buying another pouch to put in it to hold my smaller, easily lost items like chap stick, nail file, and pens so I don't have to constantly dig around for them.
I'm not a huge fan of any of Thirty-One's current prints other than the 2 I have. And if one of these 2 wears out and they've been discontinued, I'm SOL on replacing it unless i can find it on e-bay or something. Luckily I figured out the pattern to make my own skirts :-)
While the straps are the perfect length for me, I could see how someone with longer arms that me would struggle to put it on her shoulder one handed.
Since so much brown shows, I'm probably going to end up buying a black one too eventually. But still switching between 2 purses is way more appealing than 5 or 6.

All in all I LOVE this purse. It's a good size for me, ideal for my idiosyncrasies, and friendly to my frugalista budget. I've been able to overcome most of the dislikes with small easy fixes. Highly recommended!

Once Infertile, Always Infertile

2011-01-06T19:00:00.000-06:00

At least emotionally anyway. I think I've figured out why posting in the last month or so has been tough. I've really been struggling with a barrage of emotions that I don't know how to deal with, and some of which I don't like. I've realized that I'm not over all the crappy emotions that come with unexpected pregnancy announcements. You know the ones, the people who you either thought would never in a million years have kids, or who you figured from comments they had made that they were struggling and just weren't ready to talk about it yet, or they said they were done and "oops". I had one of those come up recently and it hit me really hard. Harder than I'd really like to admit even here.

It was one of the toughest nights of my life. I was upset because she got pregnant so easily...and not just upset, green monster jealous upset. What made her so special that I had to wait 3 years and she only had 3 months? I was upset with myself for being upset and not happy for her. I was upset with A for not understanding why I was upset. I was upset at myself for getting upset with him. I was upset that she was suddenly the only pregnant person around. I was furious with myself for being so selfish. Do you see where this is going? All these irrational feelings (and more) that were in total conflict with each other and yet I couldn't stop the barrage.

This was over a month ago, and it still hits me almost every day. I feel like such a tool for feeling a lot of it. Part of me thought being pregnant would be this magic switch that would just make all the bad feelings about other people being or getting pregnant go away. The truth is, I'm now not sure I will ever get over it. It totally sucks that A and I had to go through all we did to get to where we are. 3 years of waiting, 2 years of treatments, thousands of dollars of medication and procedures (thank God for good insurance) and I still don't really understand why. Do I think we'll be better parents now then we would have been 3 years ago, Yes. Do I think something good came out of our wait, Yes. We've learned so much by watching the parenting styles of those around us. We value EVERY second with each other and this baby right now, and I imagine it will continue once the little man is born. We will still make our own mistakes I'm sure, but I'm hoping that they will be less because of what we've read, observed, and been through. Even though there will be struggles and frustrations, sleepless nights and fights, I hope that I will be able to look at my son and be grateful for the blessings.

Yet there will always be a part of me that says "that's not fair" when the high school girl down the street comes home pregnant or the barely 20 something newlywed has an oops. And I don't like it. But I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to let go of the jealousy and the anger and the pain. I can only hope that finally being able to hold my son will one day take some of that away. I think it's too much to hope that it will all go away. Just like with any loss, (and infertility even without miscarriages is a loss in my mind) the pain will lessen with time, but it never really goes away.

I just hold on to the hope that it WILL lessen with time. And in the mean time, I got really good at smiling and nodding these last 3 years, so I'll just fall back on that.

25 weeks

2011-01-06T11:30:00.000-06:00

Survey Time!
How far along: 25 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: (switching to the Dr.'s scale, I don't trust mine anymore) +10.8, 215.8
Maternity clothes: All maternity or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). I cleaned all the pre-pregnancy clothes out of my closet this weekend. I got 2 new pair of Maternity pants that I love, but haven't been able to find true leggings or tights which I still need. Any suggestions?
Stretch marks: Another new one on my belly, this time on the right. It's still small, but I can see it starting to form. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY! I've started using Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness, tightness, and itching away. Loving it!
Sleep: Crazy good actually. I sleep through the night most nights, and although I have to pee pretty quick as soon as I get up, I'm not waking up in the middle of the night either
Movement: Lots and lots and lots! I love it! A actually was able to feel it for the first time this week.
Cravings: Nothing major. Still having mexican on a regular basis.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce. Just the smell makes me nauseous, which is bad because A puts hot sauce on almost EVERYTHING! Nothing else has been really bad.
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Nausea is basically gone. Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force I keep a bottle of antacids in my purse, in my desk at work, in the bathroom at home and in the family room! Nose bleeds kicked in high gear this week, hope it doesn't mean my BP is up...
What I miss: Ummm nothing comes to mind right now...
What I look forward to: Painting in the nursery and setting up furniture :-)
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: Viability!!! WOO HOO!
Medical Concerns: Nose bleeds....my glucose tolerance test that is coming up soon. Thankfully since the weight gain has tapered off I think I'll be ok.
Weekly Wisdom: Once an infertile, always an infertile. This last month has been really hard in some ways and I've realized that being pregnant doesn't magically erase all the pain that the 3 years leading up to this brought. More on this to come.
Best moment this week: Seeing A's face when he really felt that first kick. Finding regularity in the little man's movements and being able to predict them.

Back to the real world

2011-01-04T11:26:00.000-06:00

So tell me, does anyone else have a husband who harasses you when you don't blog often enough? Cause I sure do...and not just at home, NOOOOO he has to come on my blog and leave a comment and publicly harass me. Oh well I guess it worked, cause here I am. The good news is that in the new year I have switched my work schedule to 4 10 hour days, so I now have Tuesdays off until the baby comes. At the very least, there will be a post every Tuesday.

So what's been going on in our household? Well the primary thing is the MAJOR nesting that has hit both A and I. I think I've mentioned this before, but in order to set up a nursery, we had to first re-do the office so I had somewhere to go with my sewing and crafting stuff. The office is now complete, and there's only a few things left to clean out of the nursery so we can start painting up there.

A in our new FUNCTIONAL Office

We spent Christmas day and the day after with A's family in Southern IL. Grammy (A's mom) was SO generous with gifts for the little man. We got our new pack and play and the monitors I wanted. Throw that in with the money my dad gave us for Nursery furniture and we're pretty much set for all the big stuff. All I need now is to get the stroller/car seat from our friend who is giving us the one they used (assuming no recall problems) and then it's fun stuff! I actually bought my first outfit last week, a Chicago Bears "Rookie" Onesie :-) I'm going to warn you all now. If you are a Packer fan, you may just want to stop following this blog. There's going to be a LOT of Bears stuff on here for a while :-D

A got me a Doppler for Christmas!!!! I was totally excited and it is so COOL to hear little Man's heartbeat any time I want!!! It's a 1970's doctors office version, even has a sticker on it that says for use by or under the direction of a physician only! It was so cool to be able to take it to his mom's house and let her hear the HB.

I took the whole week between Christmas and New Years off. Most of that time was spent working on the office and nursery, but it was apparently a much needed break. I didn't get up before 9 any day, and it wasn't like I was going to bed later than usual. I think my body just needed some extra rest. Everything went great, except for the fact that I had a nose bleed almost every day. It was so strange, I would sit up in bed and within a minute (before I had time to stand up) the gushing would start! We have a humidifier in our bedroom, so I think the real problem is that I am not drinking enough. Especially when I'm at home. At work I do pretty good as long as I get off my duff to fill my water bottle, but at home I'm terrible. Since Sunday I have pushed myself to fill (and empty) my 28oz water bottle at least 3 times during the day, and succeeded. Lo and behold I have not had a nose bleed since Sunday Morning, so maybe I'm on to something here. I do have a doctors appointment later today, so we'll also be able to rule out elevated blood pressure I will talk to him about other natural solutions.

The last big bit of news is that we've decided to Cloth Diaper! I was really interested in this route from the get go, but A was very against it at first. Then he did some reading about all the environmental impacts of disposable diapers and changed his mind. We are generally environmentally conscious people. We do little things here and there, Rain water collection for our garden, eating locally whenever possible, basic water and energy conservation, that kind of stuff. We're really bad a bout recycling, but that's mainly because we don't have pick-up in our area and don't have a good way to keep trash separated from recyclables in our house. I think that may be a definite project before baby gets here, but I digress. Anyway, A's sister has been cloth diapering for years, and we talked to her extensively about what she likes and dislikes, but I'm curious about other people. Those who plan on using cloth, what are you getting? Those who have used cloth in the past, what did you like/dislike/hate? We're thinking pre-folds and covers for home and pockets and inserts for travel/daycare (assuming the daycare we choose will accept them). I would love an guidance anyone has, so send it my way.

I can't believe I'm at nearly 25 weeks already. It's been going so fast!! I have to say I love being pregnant, and I'm loving all the craziness that comes with it. I'll leave you with the pictures we took this weekend..it's crazy how much different I look!!!

24 weeks!

Oh I almost forgot! if there's anyone who was a size 10-14 prepregnancy that needs some more maternity clothes, let me know. I have a friend who gave me a bunch of stuff, and there's a bit that's too small for me. If you can use it, you can have it for shipping costs. There's some casual stuff, some business casual stuff.

Alive and all is well

2010-12-20T09:19:00.000-06:00

I know it's been yet another 2 weeks since I posted. Sorry about that. Know that for the most part all is well. Everyone is doing fine physically, I'm just having a roller coaster emotional time right now with the holidays and the anniversary of the miscarriage and family and all the other wonderful stuff that comes with this time of year. I have a post about it all that has been brewing for about a month in my drafts, but its not done yet, and that's part of why I haven't posted. I keep thinking I'll finish it up and post it so I don't post something else, and its just not where I want it yet. Once I finally get it don't I think you'll understand.

A bullet list update since my last post.

We drove 800 miles the weekend of December 10th - 12th to visit my mom and her husband. That was an ....oh lets just say interesting....trip to say the least. Time with mom was good, but her husband just doesn't get it. We spent FAR too much much time in the car that weekend (30 hours total), and ended up driving back through the blizzard that hit the Midwest on the 12th.
Work has been absolutely INSANE! I am SO looking forward to taking the week between Christmas and New Year's off to work on finishing the office and prepping the nursery for painting.
We are making great progress on finishing up the office. All the painting is done, the trim is up, one desktop is all together, the other will be done tonight. All we have left is to stain the desks (ok all A has left :-)) and put the legs on and then set it up! I can't wait! It will mean that I get my family room back!
We spent Saturday with my Dad's family for a Christmas brunch and then the evening back at dad's house. It was an awesome relaxing time and it was just perfect.
Yesterday I ended up having to transport a dog for the rescue group because the woman who was going to do it is VERY pregnant, and went into labor. Unfortunately this put my total car time up to 9 hours for this weekend. On top of last weekend and the work int he office, my back is SCREAMING at me today.
We FINALLY decided on Nursery Furniture!!! YEA!!! Now as soon as the paining is done we can order it. There's a matching crib and changing table, I just have to find a dresser and a bookcase in a similar color, which shouldn't be too difficult since it's all natural colored. With all the dark paint we're using, I wanted light furniture.
I've decided I'm not going to divulge the theme of the nursery here until it's done, but just give you little teases as we work on it. Those of you who know what it is, shhhhh no telling.

That's all for now. New pictures and a survey later in the week I promise!

Strange Dreams & 21(almost) weeks

2010-12-08T09:22:00.000-06:00

So there has been an unexpected side effect to this pregnancy that has surfaced lately...very.strange.dreams. Totally and completely bizarre situations and circumstances have been popping up about nightly. Everything from last week's images of my husband being surrounded by mostly naked pin-up models which I became half conscious during the middle of and totally started a conversation with him that was following the path of the dream. He had NO CLUE what I was babbling about! To Sunday night's perfectly rational conversation with little man while he was still in my womb, (but I could hear his voice loud and clear...strangely he sounded just like A) about how I just need to not stress and everything will be OK. (This was the night after Paige lost her baby). And then last night random scenes of someone hunting down and trying to shoot A and I and nearly succeeding except for the intervention of an old friend we haven't seen or heard from in about 3 years, who got shot instead. I told you totally bizarre. I kind of get where Sunday's came from, and the pin-up one could be because as we were channel surfing right before bed, we stopped on a show on the Travel channel that was all about bikini destinations, but the shooting one, NO CLUE. Its just totally weird. And they're just so VIVID, and I'm remembering most of everything that happened, which is even weirder for me.

Yesterday's Dr. appointment went pretty good. Little man was moving around so much that the nurse had a hard time getting a reading on his heartbeat. She found it just fine, but he was SO active he kept interfering with her counts. We did finally get a 152 reading though, so right on with where we were 4 weeks ago. My Blood pressure was 120/80, so still good. Unfortunately, as I suspected, the weight conversation didn't go so well. I've put on 4 pounds since my last appointment 212.4 according to the Dr.'s scale eek!), most of it in the last week. Dr. O told me that if he could wave his magic wand, I would actually LOOSE 10-12 pounds before this baby is born! I asked him what he realistically was expecting, and he said no more than another 10-12 gained. The good news is he said the best thing I can do is find a place to swim since it's easy on the joints and I'll be extra buoyant right now :-) That's awesome! I love to swim, I swam in high school, and truth is I've been wanting to get back into it. The bad news is that means I have to squeeze my bloated body into a swimsuit UGH! So today I will be researching where are possibilities in town to go and swim. I'm also trying out a prenatal yoga class starting next Monday. And it looks like it will definitely be back on the low amylose diet for A and I. That will probably start next week after we get back from my mom's and clean out the groceries in the fridge right now. My biggest struggle is going to be breakfast. I'm really not an egg person on a regular basis, in fact, I've been on a BIG biscuit and gravy kick lately. That's gonna have to stop. In the summer I can do fruit and yogurt and be happy, but in the winter it's going to be tougher. Throw that on top of having to get up a little earlier in order to eat breakfast at home instead of buying it a work (which I should be doing anyway I know) and its going to be a challenge. I'll get there though, I have to.

OK enough rambling. Here's the survey:
How far along: 20 weeks 6 days
Total weight gain/loss: (switching to the Dr.'s scale, I don't trust mine anymore) +7.4, 212.4
Maternity clothes: All maternity or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). Some regular shirts fit, but only on good show off my bump days :-) I have GOT to get some leggings and maternity pants. It is FAR to cold for skirts all the time!!!
Stretch marks: One new one on my belly, left side. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY! I've started using Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness, tightness, and itching away. Loving it!
Sleep: Much better. I'm waking up around 3:30 or 4 every night, adjusting the pillow and then usually right back to sleep. I probably should get up to pee, but I know if I do I won't go back to sleep as quickly, and then when the alarm goes off, I REALLY have to go, so it forces me to get up.
Movement: Lots and lots just in the last 2 days! My little boiler is going strong :-D
Cravings: Nothing weird. We've been eating at the Mexican restaurant a lot lately on my prompting, and I've been using more rosemary than usual in my cooking.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce. Just the smell makes me nauseous, which is bad because A puts hot sauce on almost EVERYTHING! Nothing else has been really bad.
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Nausea is tapering off to once or twice a week. Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force I keep a bottle of antacids in my purse, in my desk at work, in both bathrooms at home and in the family room!
What I miss: Deer Sticks :-( A got his first dear this year a couple weeks ago and when it cam back from the processor there was 9 pounds of sticks, and I can't have any of it. They're smoked, not cooked :-(
What I look forward to: Working on the nursery when I'm off the week between Christmas and New Year's
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: We chose a crib (I think) and got a LOT of work done on the office. Carpets are cleaned, primer and first paint color are up. We should have it all done by the end of next weekend, which will be a WEEK ahead of schedule!!!
Medical Concerns: um...just my weight really. I'm so glad to have to really think of something to put here.
Weekly Wisdom: I learned the hard way over Thanksgiving that I'm not as sensitive to how much or little others want to hear about the pregnancy/baby stuff as I thought I was. My advice based of that interaction, wait for questions and answer them concisely. If people want more information they will ask for more. Always respond to a question about baby stuff with a question about the other person's life/kids/work/whatever. Finding the balance between keeping people informed and jeopardizing conversations is REALLY HARD. I need to make a better effort.
Best moment this week: Feeling that first for real undeniable kick Sunday night. Way too cool!

Well Shoot!

2010-12-07T15:25:00.001-06:00

Here I go again letting 2 weeks pass without posting! SORRY!!!!

Things have been pretty hectic on the real life front and pretty quiet on the Baby front since our scan 2 weeks ago. I have my next general checkup this afternoon, and other than that I really only have one piece of baby news...

HE MOVES!!!!!!

That's right, I'm actually feeling for-real movement. It started late Sunday evening with just 3 or 4 kicks in about 5 minutes, and then nothing. Yesterday after dinner, there it was again. And now today, it's been a non stop bubbling in my belly! I absolutely LOVE it! But it's also making it VERY hard to concentrate!

I have to admit, I've been really wondering what it was going to feel like, and I think I've come up with the perfect description. Think about heating up a thick, creamy soup on the stove top (like broccoli cheese or something). No imagine what it looks like as it comes to a slow boil and those bubbles rise to the top and join together and then just POP! come through the thick surface of the soup. That's what all these little kicks and punches feel like. Soup bubbling in my gut. And all of them are below my belly button (no real surprise since my uterus isn't really any higher than that yet.) I've been trying to count, but I keep getting distracted and losing track.

In other news I have a feeling the doctor is not going tobe happy with me today. If the scale at home is correct, I've gained nearly 5 pounds in the last week since coming off the met. YIKES! Guess we now know why I haven't been putting on much weight. My 15-20 pound max gain seemed so attainable until this morning :-( Hopefully we can get things back in check, but it looks like I'll be going back on the low amylose diet. I've really been enjoying my potatoes too. *pout* Oh well, all for my little man.

Finally, if you're the praying type, please add Paige to your prayers. She was due the same week as I am and lost her baby this weekend due to a ruptured amniotic sack. I have to admit it scared the &$(% out of me to read that this weekend, and I can only imagine what she is going through right now. I know how devastated I was to lose a baby at just 6 weeks, I can't imagine going 20 and then having this happen. She's understandably having a really rough time right now and has totally lost her faith in G*d, and could really use some extra prayers.

I'll update with stats and a survey after my Dr appt.

Anatomical Scan

2010-11-23T13:57:00.000-06:00

EEEKKK! I can't believe this day is finally here! We had our 20 week US today a little early so we'd have pictures to share with family at Thanksgiving, and the verdict is....

The family tradition will continue! Little Baby S is a BOY!!! He will hereafter be referred to as little man or Baby B.

I am beyond excited! I really wanted a boy, and not just for A's family tradition stuff (which I'll explain in a minute), but also because it's what I've always wanted. Ever since I was a young girl dreaming about my own family, I've always wanted sons. Don't know if its because I grew up in a house with 2 other women and only one man or what, but that's what I've always dreamed of. I have to admit, I was really afraid of what my reaction would be if it was a girl. And I think that's part of why I wanted to find out so bad. I've read a lot about gender disappointment, and I wanted to be able to get through that BEFORE the baby got here if it was going to be an issue. It's not, and I'm relieved, I think that I probably would have been ok either way, but this saves me from all the emotions that go with being disappointed, and then feeling bad that your disappointed, etc. It's kind of like the vicious circle a lot of infertiles go through when a friend gets pregnant. We want to be happy for them, but at the same time we're upset that it happened to them and not us. Then we're upset at ourselves for not just being happy for them..and around and around it goes.

So anyway, A's family tradition. For 6 generations (he's the 6th) the firstborn of the first born son has been a son. A, his father his grandfather, his great grandfather, and the 2 before that were all the first born. The very first of these (A greats grandfather) middle name was his mother's maiden name, and all the firstborn sons since have had that same middle name. So naturally his whole family, well at least his dad's whole family, was convinced it HAD to be a boy, and the tradition would continue. I'm really glad it will, and thankfully I really like the middle name, it will fit with out preferred first name.

And now for your viewing pleasure, here's some pics of our boy. I videoed the whole sonogram, but I can't upload it until later, so that will go up tonight probably. Assuming I have time between baking an apple pie, packing to head to dad's for 3 days, and getting a foster ready to be adopted that is! What a day!

Full Profilelegs turned away

Face Profile and legs turned away

Facing us and waving

18 weeks

2010-11-17T20:38:00.000-06:00

Wow that just seem unreal. 18 weeks, I'm really here. I've actually had a really crappy week. I've been feeling cruddy since Friday night, and discovered I have the beginnings of a nice fun sinus infection. My General Practitioner gave me a prescription for an antibiotic hoping to fend off a more severe infection, and my chiropractor recommended a technique to help break the crap up. I'm definitely going to give it a try tonight, in fact as soon as I'm done with this I'm headed up to try it and go to bed. Here's the survey.
The survey:
How far along: 18 weeks 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: -0.5 from pre IVF
Maternity clothes: All maternity pants or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). Some regular shirts fit, but only on good show off my bump days :-)
Stretch marks: One new one on my belly, left side. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY! I've started using Palmers Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness away. Loving it!
Sleep: Sucks. Mostly because I've been coughing. Its tough to get healthy when you can't sleep.
Movement: Just some flutters. I really can't wait for that to start for real!
Cravings: None really, broccoli cheese soup twice this week, but I think that because I've been sick.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce. Anything really greasy doesn't sit well. Sometimes cooked fryer oil sets me off.
Gender: We'll find out in 1 week!!!! Can't wait.
Symptoms: Nausea is tapering off to once or twice a week. Sciatica is in full force (thank GOD for chiropractors). Tired a lot.
What I miss: Not eating tums for dinner. Heartburn has been really bad!
What I look forward to: Feeling real movement
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: umm..oh discussing cribs and names
Medical Concerns: the sinus infection of course, and I'm still getting headaches, although these are sinus related I'm sure.
Weekly Wisdom: I'm going to repeat the little green brain wisdom. It's saved my butt twice this week.
Best moment this week: Being reminded how awesome my hubby is. Even though he doesn't like doctors and medicine, he was adamant that I go to the doctor ASAP when I started coughing up pretty colors. I normally would have just toughed it out, but he insisted, and now I'm glad he did.

Week 17 update

2010-11-11T15:17:00.000-06:00

I realized it's been forever since I did a survey, and we had an check-up at 17 weeks, so here's the update :-)

DR appoint Stats:

My BP 132/76 Weird because it's high on the upper number and low on the lower number. I usually sit at around the low 120's/mid 80's. Doc isn't worried as long as it stays below 160/100
Heartbeat is 150, right in the middle of normal. I totally get it now why some women buy an at home dopplar, I'm in LOVE with hearing that heartbeat.
Weight (by docs scale) 206.2 but I'm at the doctor at different times, wearing different clothes, and after eating, so I'm tracking weight gain by my home scale always measured first thing in the morning in my birthday suit :-)
Measuring right on target according to my doctor's abdominal exam

The survey:
How far along: 17 weeks 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: I'm still down about a pound from Pre IVF!!
Maternity clothes: All maternity pants or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). Some regular shirts fit, but only on good show off my bump days :-)
Stretch marks: One new one on my belly, left side. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY!
Sleep: Sucks. I'm lucky if I sleep through the night, mainly because I can't get comfortable. I've been careful about not drinking too much within 2 hours of bedtime so my bladder isn't waking me up which is good. I got a Shepard's hook pregnancy pillow, and it seems to be helping, so we'll see if it get better.
Movement: Just some flutters. I really can't wait for that to start for real!
Cravings: None really, although I have had biscuits and gravy for breakfast every morning for 2 weeks.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce. Anything really greasy doesn't sit well. Sometimes cooked fryer oil sets me off.
Gender: We'll find out in 2 weeks!!!!
Symptoms: Nausea is tapering off to once or twice a week. Sciatica is in full force (thank GOD for chiropractors). Tired a lot.
What I miss: Beer with my football, I didn't get any octoberfest this season :-(
What I look forward to: Feeling real movement
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: Passed my first Glucose test!
Medical Concerns: Nothing major, some headaches cropping up, seems to be directly tied to my ability to stay (or not stay) out of the Halloween candy.
Weekly Wisdom: Keep a "little green brain" with you at all times! And a pocket calendar if you don't use your phone for that. I have a little green notebook that I keep in my purse so I can write down important stuff...like when food day is at work or what I'm supposed to bring for a meeting. I am SO bad at remembering things anyway, pregnancy brain has made it near impossible. I would never get anything right if it wasn't for my little green brain and my droid calendar!
Best moment this week: Hearing that heartbeat again. I can't get enough of it. It makes me smile every time. I think I'll record it on my phone next time, just so I can listen to it whenever :-)

Holy Cow! Twice in one week! (now with Pictures)

2010-11-07T15:41:00.003-06:00

I know its crazy, but I'm actually posting twice in the same week! I'm sitting here watching the football game and really procrastinating putting away all the inside Halloween decorations, so what do I have better to do but blog? :-)

I pulled a ton of pictures off the camera and moved everything from my computer to our external hard drive, but realized that I have over 300 pictures that need to be sorted and organized!! I couldn't believe how much we had been slacking on getting all this done! So this is my big project for this week, sorting all these pictures. But in the mean time, here's the pics I promised.

Pre Pregnancy

8 Weeks (on my birthday, an awful cell phone picture, and OMG was I BLOATED)

12 weeks

16 weeks (wow I need a haircut!)

I hosted a Thirty One catalog party in in October, and my order came in this week. My SIL is a consultant, and I am just in LOVE with everything I have bought so far. This time around I bought a new bag for work stuff, I've been bringing a lot more stuff back and forth to home lately, and I'm just sick of carrying it by hand. And as we get into winter, I'm going to have to start wearing slip resistant shoes for walking through the parking lot, which means I'll be carrying my work shoes in. All the more reason to have a big enough bag to carry it all in, keeps my hands free. I also got several organizers to use with my crafting stuff, and I'm loving how much easier it is to find stuff! As I use all of my new bags and purse, I think I'll do a little review of each on here. SIL uses one as her diaper bag, and although I'm not fond of any of the current prints for that purpose, I'm hoping that I'll find one in the spring prints I like (out in February). If your interested in looking at the catalog, checkout the site. If you think you want to order, let me know and I'll get you hooked up with my SIL.

Other baby news, I'm on movement watch constantly right now. I think I'm looking forward to that more than the anatomical scan right now. Just that constant reminder that our little one is still in there and doing ok will do a lot to ease some of my worries I think. I'm still doing really well in the weight gain area, only up 0.2 lbs since last week. I'm trying to go back to my PCOS diet, slightly modified, as a way of keeping the dreaded Gestational Diabetes at bay. I'm not back to avoiding ALL the blood sugar spiking foods, but I'm working really hard to keep it limited to one serving a day. I can't even begin to tell you how much I missed baked potatoes!!! I also had banana for the first time in over a year and it was OH so good! I got a pregnancy pillow last week...2nd hand but practically new, it's in the washer right now. Hopefully that will help me sleep a little better. Right now A is getting a little overwhelmed by all the pillows I have in the bed trying to get comfortable. I think there was 5 on the bed this morning, all for me :-)

I did it again :-(

2010-11-03T22:06:00.000-05:00

Seriously, how is it that nearly 2 weeks have passed since I posted last? It really doesn't seem like that long!

Things have been absolutely nuts for me lately. It's the whole Halloween thing. A and I are HUGE Halloween nuts. We volunteered for 11 years at a local Haunted House before it closed after the 2007 season. In the 3 years since we've built a mini haunt in our yard. Here's a video of this year's haunt. I didn't help with the build as much this year as in years past obviously, but I did get to play a crazy escaped mental patient with my psycho baby doll. I LOVED it.

In baby news, I had my glucose test last week. It SUCKED! My advice for anyone who has to go through it, if you don't have to fast DON'T. I was so nauseous after drinking that orange crap I struggled to keep it down for the necessary hour. When I got to work, I munched on crackers until about lunch, and then I finally felt like eating real food around 2pm, and my test was at 8am!!! Won't have the results till my next appointment, but I'm guessing if it was really bad they would have called sooner. Next appointment is next Tuesday, and we'll have the anatomy scan the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. Oh and the chiropractor is helping SO much with the leg issues. I still get the tingling every day, but the sharp stabbing and burning pain only comes infrequently now instead of every day.

I've started feeling more and more of the uterine flutters that are known to happen around this time, but nothing real from the baby yet. I'm really looking forward to really starting to feel movement. There's still a part of me that doesn't think this can be real, that this is all just a dream. I don't know when it's going to all sink in, but I'm really looking forward to that.

Otherwise I'm feeling pretty good. The nausea and heartburn have lessened quite a bit. All in all I've been really lucky so far. I've had it pretty easy and, knock on wood, that will continue.

A has been giving me a lot of crap for not posting more regularly, and the truth is I feel really bad about it. Thank you for sticking with me even if I am only posting once a week. I actually started this post 3 days ago, and its taken me this long to finish it. I'm setting a goal for myself to post at least once a week going forward. Hopefully I'll be able to keep to that. Oh and I do have some belly pics, I just have to get them off the camera and I'll post them. By next week I promise!

A bullet list update

2010-10-20T10:53:00.000-05:00

All right, all right, I'm a terrible awful no good very bad blogger. Somehow the last 3 weeks came and went and I never got on and posted. It may have something to do with the fact that I'm so crazy at work right now I have NO desire to be on the computer after work. Or maybe its because I'm just being lazy, I don't know, what I do know is that if I don't post soon, I think A's going to start taking over my blog!!!

Here's what's been happening in the last 4 weeks since my last real post:

I have had CRAZY stuff going on with my right leg. Basically sciatic nerve issues that have been causing this tingling in the upper outside part of my thigh. At first it only came in the evenings, but its gotten to the point where I have that itchy tingling feeling all day some days. When it started waking me up at night (feeling like a hot poker was being shoved in my leg) screaming in pain, I decided to do something about it. I had my first appointment with a chiropractor last Friday, and another adjustment Monday, and already I can tell its helping. The night after the adjustment has been bad, but the others I don't wake up because of my leg...just other stuff. Bad thing is he's making me give up my heels :-( Good thing is I had an excuse to buy new shoes. Now if I could only find flats I like.
The nausea has finally tapered off, still all at night, but down to only 2 or 3 days a week now, when it hits though, its stronger than before.
Most of the OHSS symptoms are gone, although the one remaining one is that I'm showing WAY early! In the last 2 weeks, I've had more people comments on my cute pregnant belly than I can believe. Oh and I'm totally in Maternity or stretchy clothes right now. I have just a couple regular shirts that work, but all my bottoms are new.
I've started feeling the fluttering uterus spasms I've read so much about, that twitching feeling in your abdomen. I know its not the baby I'm feeling, but it's still really cool.
I started working on the pregnancy scrapbook, and am going to be working really hard to keep it up to date so I won't have a 1 year old and still not have it done. That is my one fear, I see so many of my girlfriends who scrapbook are currently working on LAST YEAR's Halloween page. I really don't want to get that far behind. If I'm going to do this, I want to do it right. The lucky break is I've joined a group of women at my church who get together once a month (at the end of the month) and spend 3 hours scrap booking or crafting or whatever. I plan to use that time to keep up to date, hopefully. We'll see how it goes.
I had my latest Dr. appointment yesterday. Everything looks good, and I had my first experience with the Dopplar. The nurse struggled to find the HB, but the doctor came in and found it right away. I wasn't expecting to get to hear the HB yesterday, so that was a really nice treat.
I'm still down 2 lbs from pre-IVF and 7 from retrieval, go figure! I'm definitely not complaining about that, although it does worry me a bit that I hear some women gain as much as 15 lbs in the first trimester. Granted I hope to only gain about 15-20 total.
I have to have my glucose tolerance test next week. Definitely not looking forward to that.
I need to add 20-40 minutes of light to moderate exercise into my weekly routine. I'm struggling to figure out what that will be. I'm thinking that a prenatal yoga class is a definite, but the highly recommended studio in town only offers it once a week so I've got to find something else too. I was a swimmer in high school, so I'm thinking a pool somewhere might be a good idea.
We've decided not to do the NT scan. My OB believes that, at least in this area, it causes more stress than it relieves because it is still so subjective and often times inconclusive. He feels that at my age, chances are so low that although possible for us to have issues, since we wouldn't terminate anyway, is it really worth the stress? I have a tendency to agree. If we decide we really want to know, we'll discuss amnio down the road.

That's the quick and dirty. I"m going to try really hard to post more, and post more about things other than the pregnancy. We'll see how that goes :-)

Still alive

2010-10-07T20:49:00.000-05:00

I'm still alive I promise. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been feeling really overwhelmed with everything lately; mostly a product of my own inability to say no to anyone. The good news is we made it to 12 weeks.

I can't believe it I'm actually almost out of the first trimester!!!! This is so unreal! I promise I'll get a big update up this weekend, but A has been giving me so much crap for not posting, I wanted to let you all know I'm ok.

US Appointment - and Welcome to ICLW!

2010-09-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

For those of you visiting for the first time from ICLW, welcome, and thanks for visiting. I will tell you right now that I am pregnant, if you didn't already figure that out by the ticker at the top of my page. My Husband A and I are SO excited about it right now. I just had my Second US appointment this morning, and I finally feel like I can relax and start to enjoy being pregnant. Its amazing to me how much infertility made me feel like I couldn't really get attached to this pregnancy until now. I totally understand if you are still struggling with IF, secondary IF, or just generally not being pregnant yet and don't want to stick around. I've been there, I've resented some of my IF sisters who got preggers before me (there I said it. I don't like to admit that I've been that petty, but I have, and I'm gonna guess we all have at some point or another.). If you don't want to stick around to hear me gush about my pregnancy, I get it. I'm trying to level out my posting to not always be about having a baby, but the truth is it's the main thing in my life right now. I appreciate you stopping by, and I hope you'll find something useful in my ramblings.

No on to today's awesome news! Everything look great with the baby! We're measuring 1-2 days ahead at 9 weeks 6 days or 10 weeks depending on which measurement she looked at. The baby's heartbeat was 174, and my blood pressure is 120/80. Our official due date is April 20, right in line with my ticker above! We also got some really cool pictures today, here are the 2 best:

I cannot begin to tell you how excited we are. I really hope all of you who are still waiting get to feel this excitement REAL soon!

9 weeks

2010-09-19T16:28:00.001-05:00

Wow I can't believe I'm at 9 weeks already! It seems like the time is just FLYING!! It also seems like I'm never going to be able to actually get these surveys done on time..oh well. At least I'm getting them done :-)

How far along: 9 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: I'm down another 2 lbs from last week, Up 0.5 lbs from pre-treatment. I blame it on the fact I can't eat near as much as I used too without feeling STUFFED!

Maternity clothes: Belly band and some shirts. Mostly just stretchy skirts and a couple used to be too big pants. I did but my first pair of maternity jeans this week, but I haven't worn them yet.

Stretch marks: Just some flaring around existing ones

Sleep: Turned to crap this week. I keep getting this weird tingling in my right leg like it's falling asleep...and only when I lay down. It's making falling asleep really hard.

Movement: Too soon for that.

Cravings: None really

Aversions: Anything with a strong odor...good or bad. Hot sauce is constantly making me want to puke.

Gender: We'll find out when we can.

Symptoms: Nausea about every day. I've only puked a couple times thankfully. Heartburn from about 2:30 pm on every day. The nausea is really bad after dinner.

What I miss: Actually doing active things (like mowing the lawn) I'm still on limited activity and limited lifting. Oh and Beer with my football!

What I look forward to: Ultrasound on Tuesday!!! Seeing my little bean again, actually looking like a baby.

Moods: Still all over the place. Poor A!

Milestones: none this week.

Medical Concerns: getting over the ohss and this crazy new stuff with my leg.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't have a conversation with someone who pushes your buttons when you're pregnant and having a bad day.

Best moment this week: Being reminded how lucky I am have to have A...how he puts up with my insanity I don't know.

Worst moment this week: Having a big argument with my mom

Is it Friday yet?

2010-09-16T18:22:00.000-05:00

Why is it that regular work weeks seem so long after a couple short weeks in a row? Throw on top that I'm working on a major project for our company's CEO at work, and its been crazy stressful and just all around insane this week. I did get some great compliments today from the 3 of 4 managers and above who are between me and the big wigs on the work we've put together for this (me and another coworker) so its was good to know our hard work and scrambling with last minute changes has paid off. I was just so frustrated today because I couldn't seem to convince people that as much as I wanted to talk about football, I just didn't have the time today! Oh well we got thru it! Tomorrow is a department picnic, so it should be a nice relaxing afternoon. Much needed after a week like this!

T-minus 4 days till the ultrasound! I can't wait!!!

Starting the surveys

2010-09-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

I decided that at 8 weeks I would start tracking things using the ever popular pregnancy surveys, more for my own notes than anything. I'm getting a scrapbook together that I'm going the start with 8 weeks and go all the way through labor. I realistically know that I'm not going to work on it each week, so hopefully these surveys will help jog my memory for journaling.

How far along: 8 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: I've actually lost 2 lbs from IVF, Up 2.5 lbs from pre-treatment.

Maternity clothes: Belly band and some shirts. Mostly just stretchy skirts and a couple used to be too big pants.

Stretch marks: Just some flaring around existing ones

Sleep: Actually better than I have in a long time. As long as the dogs aren't up at 7 that is.

Movement: Too soon for that.

Cravings: None really

Aversions: Anything with a strong odor...good or bad. Hot sauce is constantly making me want to puke.

Gender: We'll find out when we can.

Symptoms: Nausea about every day. I've only puked a couple times thankfully. Heartburn from about 2:30 pm on every day.

What I miss: Honestly, Sex. Between the bloat and the other symptoms, even though we got the ok from the Doc, its just not happening.

What I look forward to: Ultrasound in 10 Days. Seeing my little bean again, actually looking like a baby.

Moods: All over the place. Poor A!

Milestones: none this week.

Medical Concerns: getting over the ohss.

Weekly Wisdom: Lots of small meals keep nausea and discomfort at bay

Best moment this week: Just been status quo

Worst moment this week: Status quo

Wow!

2010-09-08T09:11:00.000-05:00

Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. My favorite christian blogger, Jon Acuff, does a series called "Serious Wednesday" posts. His blog is usually a comedic look at Christianity, but on Wednesdays he steps out of the comedy and gets a little serious. Today's post really hit home for me, and I think it will for those of you who are christian and on this IF journey still.

In baby news, everything is status quo. I'm working on a longer post about the US and waht's coming, but I just haven't had a lot of time. This last and upcoming week are INSANE!

well what do we have here?

2010-08-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

Hopefully this will work. The post I tried earlier from my blackberry did not come through, but hopefully this and the picture will. If not, we are on our way home and I will post it when we get there.
Anyway, on to the news you are all waiting for. We have...

1 heartbeat!!! Dr. RE did not even have to tell us! A and I saw it fluttering away and both busted out into tears! We are beyond excited! More to come later.

US day

2010-08-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

OK so this is what I tried to post at 10 am this morning....my e-mail posting didn't work how I thought it would.

We're on our way to Dr. RE's office for the US. I don't know if my nausea right now is nerves or trying to read blogs on my blackberry while on the road. I'm excited, scared, anxious and a whole lot more. We brought a video camera with, so hopefully I'll have video of the heartbeat(s) to share later today.

(not so) Patiently Waiting

2010-08-28T17:13:00.000-05:00

I know I've been absent, and the e-mails and questions about how I am have meant so much. Sorry about that. The truth is I've had a tough week. We are t-minus 45 hours to Ultrasound, and I am so anxious! I had a ~~minor~~ major meltdown on Tuesday. I couldn't help but feel totally and completely scared that something isn't right with my little bean(s). I'm 6 weeks now, and I'm still really nervous. My symptoms had really tapered off. The nausea was pretty much gone, the cramping had all but disappeared, in fact the only symptoms I was having was the sore girls and the bloating every day. Now this morning it all came back full force. I had major cramping around 6 am. If it weren't for the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed and wake the dogs, I probably would have gotten up and puked, but I really wanted to be able to go back to sleep once the cramping passed. So I toughed it out and made it through. I'm glad that some of the other symptoms that I know aren't also caused by the medications are back. Its very reassuring. Although I wish I knew if it is the morning sickness is causing the stomach cramps or the stomach cramps are causing the nausea. They seem to come hand in hand.

I'll try to be better about posting updates. I'm hoping once we get past Monday my spirits will lift and I will stop feeling all these negative feelings. Finally being pregnant after so many cycles of trying and failing and trying some more brings with it a whole slew of emotions I wasn't really prepared for. I expected to feel relief and overwhelming happiness. Instead I find myself even more anxious than I was during my 2ww post IVF. Is everything OK? Is there 1 or 2 in there? Are they thriving or has something gone wrong? It almost as if I'm expecting something to go wrong. It just feels too good to be true, and experience has taught me that things that seem too good to be true probably are. I know its totally stupid. There's no reason to believe there's anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid. *sigh* It sucks that infertility does this to us. It sucks all the joy out of the first few weeks of pregnancy and replaces it with anxiety and doubt. Lovely.

Chugging along...random thoughts

2010-08-20T22:26:00.000-05:00

I'm just chugging along right now. A and I have started measuring my belly at night just so we don't miss it if the swelling starts to get bad gradually over a couple of days. My biggest concern right now is that the ohss will flare up really bad and catch me completely off guard.

I went back on the fiber supplement on Tuesday, and surprisingly I haven't had a cramping attack in 2 days (knock on wood). I wonder if the constipation (which I had lost track of again) was causing the ohss cramping to be that much worse?

I'm not going to be able to keep this quiet at work for very long if I keep puking at 9 am. I barely made it to the bathroom in time this morning. And 3 women came in while I was at it!

I turn 30 in 2 weeks! It's amazing how insignificant that seems now.

Our Angel Baby's due date came and went on Tuesday without even a second thought from me. I feel SO guilty about that. I never want to forget that day, just like I never want to forget the struggles we've been through to get to this point. I never want to be that women who slips back into the fertile mindset just because I got knocked up. A will say I'm being silly that out angel baby was never really a baby and would have never been know if it wasn't for treatments, and I need to move forward, but this feels like the first step on a very slippery slope.

I am sleeping more soundly than I have in a VERY long time. I wake up in the morning in the exact same position as when I laid down. Some nights I have the "roll-over syndrome" where you roll over thinking you haven't been asleep at all yet and realize its morning! I feel most rested those mornings, yet I'm still contemplating crawling into bed at 9 every night...and yet I never do.

Speaking of which, it is now 10:30 and I have to be up at 6. I really need to go to bed. Night!

Hellooooo Morning Sickness and Defining Weeks

2010-08-18T12:48:00.000-05:00

Guess who came for a visit this morning? Good old make me pray to the porcelain goddess. And first thing this morning BEFORE I had a chance to eat or drink anything. Helllllooooo Dry heaves..BLECH.

OK now seriously, why don't we have Internet code names for things like Morning Sickness? I mean come on we have Aunt Flo and Baby Dance and all sorts for the infertility discussions, but none for the pregnancy ones? Or am I just so new to this that I don't know them yet...HRMMM that is a possibility I guess.

Totally switching topics, I got an interesting call yesterday from my sister (who reads my blog) and she and my dad (who also reads) were totally confused as to how I could be 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. I just had the transfer 2 weeks ago, how was that possible? I realized that I have quite a few folks who read my blog that are not well versed with infertility and pregnancy, and this was actually confusing for me at first too.

The human gestation period is actually 40 weeks, not the 9 months commonly thought, and is commonly calculated from the first day of the Last Menstrual Period (LMP). Most women area already considered 4 weeks pregnant (28 days from their LMP) when they find out that they are pregnant and only have 36 weeks to go (hence the 9 month idea). The idea is that the egg is starting to develop on Day 1 of the LMP, so that is the official first day of pregnancy, if it happens. All of this assumes that the woman has a "normal" 28 day cycle and ovulates on day 14. Since we all know that "normal" is very rare, this is why calendar pregnancy duration and measured pregnancy duration (via ultrasound) can vary by up to a week. For us, we KNOW conception occurred on July 29th (retrieval day), so I know exactly where I should be time wise. Measuring ahead or behind will be an indication of how well the baby(ies) are developing.

Medical lecture over. I hope you took notes, there will be a test next week :-)

I swear it's only 4 weeks

2010-08-17T14:39:00.000-05:00

OK Seriously, this is going to get old REAL quick. I am wearing a button down shirt today that I also happened to wear to church on Sunday. On Sunday, it was a little tight across the chest, but not so bad otherwise. Today, I'm straining EVERY button as it poorly attempts to cover my swollen belly. I seriously look like I'm already 12 weeks pregnant here people. I mean I anticipated going through the "I feel fat not pregnant" phase, but I didn't expect it to start at 4 and a half weeks! At least the fact that its getting worse is an indication that the little bean(s) a sticking good; pregnancy causes OHSS symptoms to be worse.

Good news is my progesterone is way up...155! I'm still on the Promet.rium suppositories, but I do consider myself lucky that I avoided the PIO shots so many others have had to suffer through. Still no morning sickness. Some bouts of nausea, mostly when I'm over hungry or having a OHSS cramp attack, but I haven't actually gotten sick yet. Definitely have the fatigue, I'm pooping out around 9pm lately, and I used to be a total night owl.

For those of you who follow and aren't pregnant yet, I totally understand if you want to stop following me. I'm going to try really hard to not make every post about the pregnancy, but the truth is, everything in my life right now is about this (these) baby (babies). I'm still not quite really believing it yet. Its just been so long of be infertile...so my negatives...and the only positive ending so badly. I hope once we see a heartbeat on the 30th I will really start to relax and enjoy this. Crappy bloating and all :-)

2nd beta

2010-08-16T20:33:00.002-05:00

Came back today at 209!!! It hasn't really sunk in yet I don't think. Probably because how I feel from hour to hour varies so much. I've had meeting all evening and I ran to T@rget to try and find a belly band (which they didn't have in my size booo), and I totally over did it. I'm so pooped and hurting right now I can't even drag my butt to the shower (even though I know I will feel better after).

The good news is our first US is scheduled for August 30th...only 2 Weeks from today! I can't believe it will be that soon. maybe it will sink in by then.

The wonderful world of OHSS

2010-08-16T11:46:00.000-05:00

I am still a little in shock and not really believing that I'm pregnant. Hopefully after today's numbers come back it will sink in a little more. I am however feeling quite cruddy, thanks primarily to our lovely friend Ovarian Hyper Simulation Syndrome, OHSS. It started Friday morning as we were waiting at the hospital for my first blood draw with MONSTER stomach cramps, all above my belly button. A and I chalked it up to minor dehydration as I realized I had only had 1 glass of water to drink since 4pm the previous day. Then Saturday morning about an hour after I got up, the same thing. And this time I knew I was plenty hydrated. Sunday morning, they were so bad they woke me up from a dead sleep at 5:30am! At this point I had resolved to ask the nurse about it when she called with my blood results on Monday. Until the cramps started up again around 1:30 while we were having lunch...and so bad I could barely stay upright. I called the after hours answering service right then and there. Dr. RE called me back himself within 5 minutes (I LOVE that he does that) and I explained all the symptoms. Here's the gist of how the conversation went

Dr. RE:Have you been excessively thirsty? ME: Yes.
Dr. RE:Are you feeling bloated? ME: Yes.
Dr. RE:Is your upper abdomen firm to the touch? ME: Yes.
Dr. RE:Sounds like OHSS. ME: OK what do I do?
Dr. RE:Take it easy, stay hydrated, and keep out of the heat.
ME: So you're saying I need to tough it up and be a big girl?
Dr. RE: *Laughs* Basically yes.
ME: And I don't need to be worried?
Dr. RE: not for now. If your belly swells really bad, then call again, but for now its pretty normal with how high you E2 was at retrieval and how many follicles we got.

So I am on "Take it easy" orders. Oh Yea FUN! (NOT!)

And here I wait for the phone cal with today's results....grrrr I hate waiting!

Got the Call..and made all my calls

2010-08-13T13:28:00.000-05:00

And the Results are...

69.2!!!

We're shooting for a 150 or higher on Monday.

WOOOHOOO!!!

10dp5dt: Let the waiting begin

2010-08-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

Blood is drawn...now we wait. It will be anywhere between 10am and 5pm when I get the phone call from the doctors office. Last time it was after 4, so I'm not holding my breath. Also just to let you know so you're not checking every hour for results, I won't post here until this evening. (probably 6ish central) I have several people who read the blog that I want to tell myself, and I won't post until I've talked to all of them. I know, I know you're anxious too, but I made that mistake the first time (before I knew my family was reading the blog), and I don't want to do that again.

On the symptom front, I had violent diarrhea last night and as a result I had major stomach cramps this morning. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced to date. A thinks I was dehydrated since I only had one glass of water last night from 5 until bedtime, and this morning after my blood draw I downed a 16oz glass of OJ in less than 5 minutes without even thinking about it! So I'm on a mission to drink as much as I can during the day today and hope I'm ok. I do feel much better already.

9dp5dt: Impatient

2010-08-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

UGH This week is going SO SLOOOOOW. I have totally been bit by the impatience bug. I have however resisted the tests in my cabinet...OK no so much resisted as realized the one is expired (stupid dollar store test) and I don't want to take the chance of a false result, and the digital I refuse to use until I know it will say "Pregnant". That big old NOT just breaks my heart too much. Plus, I need to be able to take pictures of it to tell people, 2 lines just doesn't mean anything to TOO many people.

Speaking of 2 lines...did you know I have never before seen them come up on a test? Not once. Not even when I miscarried. That time I had my beta before I POAS, and after my beta I went and bought the digital 2 pack. That other digital has been sitting in my bathroom cabinet for 8 months! If I've resisted this long I can probably wait another 24 hours right? 24 hours isn't so bad right? Its only the longest 24 hours of my life!

8dp5dt:: Called out

2010-08-11T20:49:00.001-05:00

A called me out this afternoon. I'm not feeling as normal as I keep saying I feel. I'm having a lot of little things that HE thinks are all pregnancy signs, and I think are probably PMS symptoms.
Here's the list.

Sore boobies (from the prometrium no doubt)
mild cramping but in weird places...either lower or higher than normal either way up in my belly or way down near my bikini line.
crazy thirst (I've drank more water in the last 2 days than I have in the last week
peeing a lot (probably from all the extra water)
Today some mild nausea set in before lunch (but I was starving! so its no big surprise, the 2 go hand in hand for me often)
Heartburn like CRAZY (but we eat a lot of heartburn inducing foods)

I just don't know. Part of me wants to be excited and optimistic, but part of me is cautious and guarded.

I had a crazy realization today. I'm almost scared to BE pregnant. Infertility and that big open blank white space are so familiar. Tracking cycles, injecting myself, dates with Mr. Wandy, disappointing phone calls are what I'm used to. Being pregnant is new and unknown and ~~a little~~ a lot scary. I usually don't balk at change...but this is different. I've wanted this for so long, and its such a real possibility right now, but I can't imagine this ever coming to an end. Its weird feeling this way. The next 48 hours hold a lot. I CAN make it!

BTW, I called the vet, and he's not super worried about the seizures. Its been a month since her last episode, and that's spaced far enough apart that medicating will be harder on her body than the seizures are. Since she's just a foster and not ours, hes hesitant to medicate unless they get more frequent or more severe. So for now we just watch her. She's 24 hours seizure free and I am so relieved.

7dp5dt: Feeling Normal

2010-08-10T21:17:00.001-05:00

Well here we are 7dp5dt. 12dpo. Three days till my Beta. And I feel mostly normal. No crazy symptoms, no major twinges, not much of anything. And I've started all of my typical PMS symptoms..constipation is back, boobies are sore (but that's happened every time I've been on the Prometrium), and I'm totally short tempered and b!tchy (sorry A!)

I've had a couple of strange feelings in my gut. Cramp like, but in the wrong places, and not as constant as cramps usually are, more sharp stabbing type, but not very strong.

Throw on top of all that there's a dollar store test and a CBE digital in the cabinet that are calling my name. Kakunaa has the mantra that I must keep telling myself....I will NOT POAS...I will NOT POAS....Just 3 more days.

And while I was in the middle of typing this the foster dog had another seizure. She had peed in her crate the past 2 days again, and now we know why. We're suspecting 3 seizures in the last 24 hours, with 1 confirmed. I wish I knew what was causing this.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program

2010-08-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

For a quick prayer request...

Eileen over at We got Hitched has had a really rough pregnancy with her twins. She's probably spent 20 of the 34 weeks in the hospital, and is having her c-section today or tomorrow because her health is declining so quickly. She really wanted to make it to 36 weeks, but the babies are looking awesome, and hopefully will only have to stay in the hospital until they gain enough weight.

We will return to our regular stuff later today when I have some time...7dp5td, and there's definitely some weird stuff going on.

4dp5dt: Dreams

2010-08-07T22:24:00.001-05:00

Its been and interesting day. Started out about 5:30 am with me waking up crying. I don't remember a lot about the dream, but I do remember just being furious with someone who I felt was totally getting things that she didn't deserve that I did. Yea I know totally unreasonable, but its a dream remember. Anyway, it ended with this person being pregnant, and I was not only not not pregnant, but somehow knew that I never would be pregnant. I don't have any idea who this woman was, but I was beyond angry about all of it. And beyond devastated that she had all these things that I didn't, couldn't and wouldn't.

The morning continued with the dog going nuts at 6:30 am and waking up the whole house (there's 3 beagles in out house, only one is ours the other 2 are fosters). It turns out that for the first time in 3 years there were bunnies in our yard and she saw them through the open bedroom window. So much for sleeping in, once the fosters are awake and start barking I can't get back to sleep.

I went to the market and picked up 4 dozen ears of corn with the intention of coming home and cleaning them and getting them ready to put up for the winter, but by the time I got home I was worn out already so I dozed for a bit. A got up around 11 (finally) and I laid on the couch until about 2 before I finally go motivated to work on the corn. I got it done about 4:30, and A and I met my sister for dinner. I didn't really do all that much today, but I'm pooped out.

The truth is I haven't been able to get that dream out of the back of my mind all day. And I haven't told A about it yet. I know he's going to be annoyed that I didn't, but I just didn't need to hear his rationalizations about it was just a dream and it didn't mean anything, I know all that. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to wonder what the hell brought it on. I had a similar experience the night before the transfer. Again I don't remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. I mean really who cries in their sleep??? Its just weird. And I don't need to give him one more thing to worry about me. He's got enough going on trying to keep me from over doing it. I'm not trying to be bad, I'm just trying to do the things I normally do. The truth is its hard to remember to take it easy because I don't feel pregnant. I don't really feel anything weird. I had some funny pains in my guy earlier today, but that could have been my intestines actually working again. (YEA!)

OK I just realized it's way after 10, and its no wonder I'm tired. It's past my bedtime. Here's hoping for a later morning and a better day tomorrow.

3dp5dt: Finally some Relief!!!

2010-08-06T22:06:00.001-05:00

***Warning*** This post may be a bit too TMI for some folks.
Its been a rough couple of days. Ever since the retrieval, I've been...shall we say plugged up....Throw on top of that we weren't eating the greatest, pretty bad gas, and I was sore from the retrieval, transfer, and sitting around for 3 days doing nothing that I have been pretty miserably uncomfortable. On top of all that, I am soooo tired the last couple days. 9:00 rolls around and I'm ready to crawl into bed. And I've been having a hard time getting up in the mornings. But today I finally got some relief!!! I cannot tell you how much better I feel.
Now I'm going to go to bed and plan on enjoying my weekend of sleeping in and doing nothing but what I want.
***TMI over***

300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup

2010-08-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

Today is the 300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup on Stirrup Queens We are celebrating with cake, and although tonight I had ice cream (a strawberry shake in fact) here's the cupCAKEs I would have liked to celebrate with

Yummy! Chocolate with chocolate frosting and sprinkles!!!! My favorite! The other challenge with this was to share what the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) Blogsphere means to you. Truth be told, I don't think I could have made it through all the last 3 years without the online ALI community. From the message boards to the blogs it is so comforting to know that there are other couples out there who are going through all the exact things we are. Other couples that are feeling the same roller coaster of emotions that we are. Infertility can be such an isolating experience. Its so taboo, no one wants to talk about it. Those who do want to ask don't know what to ask or how to ask, so they don't. Out in the online community, we can talk about our challenges, our frustrations, our joys and our sorrows. Slowly but surely we are bringing infertility our of the dark and into the light for the disease that it is. For that, I am eternally grateful!

1dp5dt: :-(

2010-08-04T08:40:00.001-05:00

Just got the call from the lab. No freezer babies for us. The other 3 never made it to full blast stage.

Now I'm worried. They said this is no reflection on the 2 that we put back. Those 2 were the strongest. But still I'm worried. The odds are against us. 5 of 7 embryos died. I know I have to be strong...but I'm scared. All the what ifs are running around like crazy in my brain.

I did ask what the grade of our 1 blast was...2BB, so that's pretty good. I just have to remain hopeful.

Baby on mind posted this video on her blog today...and although she posted it for a different wait, it really hit home for me.

I just have to keep the message of this song in my mind the next 10 days...I can make it, I can stay positive.

Crap

2010-08-03T19:26:00.000-05:00

I didn't need this. For better or for worse, we hadn't told my mother we were doing an IVF cycle. She was less than supportive when we announced the pregnancy the first time around. Sure she was happy for us but thought we were being stupid telling everyone so soon. Oh and she was mad that I had told my father first...never mind the fact that I wanted to tell her in person, and I happened to see him the week before I saw her.

Anyway so about 2 hours hour ago, my phone rings, and surprisingly it's my mother...great...just what I need tonight. Ok I'll tell her we took a long weekend and had a mini vacation, but thats it. Its not lying outright, its just not telling her everything. Lots of people keep their fertility treatments from their parents. So I tell her where we went, and her first response is "Isn't that where your RE is?" %^&$#*@ No turning back now..so I fess up. And surprise surprise her response is "and why did you feel the need to hide this from your mother?" Um that's why because you make it all about YOU. Because I didn't want the stress of someone who wasn't 100% supportive around me? Because you make comments like just because SIL is preggo with her second (which I was selfishly upset over because it was unexpected and shortly after we got our diagnosis ) doesn't mean I need to run out and get pregnant too.

I really need to not let her get to me. Especially not right now. So I won't. I flat out told her I didn't tell her before because I didn't need the stress of her not being supportive. And unless she could be supportive now, I didn't really want to talk to her.

I was a little more blunt than I would have otherwise been, but she caught me off guard. I will not let my mother ruin this for me!

Transfer Day

2010-08-03T14:43:00.001-05:00

Transfer was this morning and things went great. Here are our beautiful little embryos!

The one in the upper right is a full blast. The one in the lower left is an early blast. This picture was taken 2 hours before transfer. When we went in for the transfer, the embryologist told us that they had expanded even more from the pictures. The whole thing was just surreal! (It might have had to do with my valium induced state of relaxation) I was so overcome with emotion, fueled by Dr. RE's excitement and optimism, I cried.

Of the other 5 that fertilized, 3 were in early blast stage and 2 were only 8 cell. They're going to wait until tomorrow and see how they are before freezing, but we anticipate only the 3 blasts will be good enough.

We drove home the 3 hours....or Rather A drove home and I slept most of the way, and now I'm chilling on the couch. A is being really overprotective about this whole bed rest thing though. I went to go restart the dryer and make sure the upstairs toilet wasn't still leaking, and I got ripped a new one! I mean seriously! I can handle walking to the Laundry room! But NO..I'm allowed on the couch, toilet or the bed, that's it. Stinker!! Oh well I'll suck it up and be a good girl.

10 things I learned while stimming for IVF

2010-07-31T08:54:00.000-05:00

I've been really trying to get my self in a calm state of mind (definitely easier said than done let me tell you) but it's meant a lot of thinking. Through all that thinking, I've come up with this list of 10 things I've learned over the last month or so. I thought I would share it with all of you who may either have an IVF coming or for myself as reminders should we (heaven forbid) have to do this again.

The amount an injection stings is directly correlated to the amount the injection site is going to bruise. More Sting=More bruise
The farther from my belly button the injection is, the more it stings, therefor the more it bruises. The top of my pubic line is all sorts of pretty colors right now :-(
Bring on the FAT clothes!!!! I haven't fit into my usual pants in a week. Luckily I had a box of in between clothes that were set aside for when I got to big for regular clothes but hadn't bought maternity clothes yet.
If the bloat doesn't get you, the fatigue will. Be prepared to not feel rested...ever
Combine bloating, fatigue, general sore belly and you get ZERO sex drive
Combine bloating, fatigue, general sore belly and no sex and you get cranky wife and frustrated husband
Always order extra syringes and needles, especially if your mail order pharmacy doesn't charge for them like mine. 1 needle and syringe cost me $12 at the local drugstore!!!!
Invest in a all cotton, no wire bra that is one cup size bigger than you usually wear. You're going to want the extra support at night.
Take out stock in panty liners. You'll be glad when you get to the 2www and the stock price skyrockets because you're buying so many :-)
Remember that your husband has to deal with you going through all this. He may not be experiencing it directly, but he is experiencing through YOU. He sees your pain, discomfort, frustrations, and happy moments. As much as the crap you go through is tough for you, its even tougher for him because he can't fix it. That inherent need that all men have to make it better cannot be satisfied, and that makes this process tough for him.

Fertilization Report

2010-07-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

11 Total eggs retrieved
10 mature enough to inseminate
7 fertilized!!!

We will be doing the transfer on Tuesday. EEEK!

Lab called

2010-07-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

and woke me up from my nap (boo). A's sample had low motility and low morphology so they went ahead and did ICSI on all the eggs, not just the 4 originally planned. Me in my only half awake state forgot to ask how many eggs total there were. SHOOT!

Fertilization report will come tomorrow. I didn't see Dr. RE after the retrieval, but A did and he seemed really optimistic, so fingers crossed!

Retreival done

2010-07-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

We got at least 1o, maybe more. I'm gonna go nap now.

Retreival on...

2010-07-26T14:56:00.000-05:00

THURSDAY!!!

I don't have a ton of time, but I wanted to post an update. Apparently my ovaries really like Follis.tim and Meno.pur. I have 13 follicles that are ready to trigger and 2-3 more than will be by tomorrow. EEEK! Blood Levels are

E2: 1748!!!
Progesterone 1.1
LH 0.9

I'll post more tonight when I get home.

Saturday US and BW update and frustrations

2010-07-24T17:41:00.000-05:00

I went this morning for another US and more blood work, and while I didn't have Mr. Fab tech I didn't have to deal with Ms. Crappy tech either. I had the Saturday on call tech, and although she wasn't the most gentle I'm beginning to think that with the current state of my ovaries, ever Mr. Fab would make me uncomfortable. She was pleasant and carried on good conversation with me. Until she felt the need to tell me about her friend who decided that they were done with treatments and *poof* she got pregnant a month later when they weren't even really trying! WOW how FANTASTIC for her.
Anyway, that was at 8 am this morning. I got a promise from both the lab and the US tech that the results would be to the doctors office by 9. They are an hour ahead of us so that meant the results would be at the office before they "closed" for the day. The office closes at 10 on Saturdays and the phones roll to the answering service, but the nurses are there until noon. A and I ran out to do some stuff around town after I mowed the lawn this morning, but I made sure one of us was near my phone the whole time. 2 o'clock game and went and still no phone call so I finally gave in and called the after hours line. I left a message for them to call me back on the cell phone (the number I have told them time and time again to call me on) and still hadn't gotten a call at 3:15. I finally called the house voice mail around 3:30 and sure enough the nurse had called that number. GRRRR We have a cell phone attached to our house number that we never turn on because the only people who usually call that number are telemarketers.
SO because the nurse just left me a message, all I know is that things are progressing well and my E2 is up to 687. I don't know how many or the size of my follicles, I don't know my progesterone or LH, and I don't know my lining status.I do know that if things keep progressing the way they are, we will be triggering Monday night and retrieving Wednesday morning. I have to got back for one more US and more blood draws on Monday morning.

Ok Deep breaths...its not the end of the world that I don't have all the details I know...but the control freak in me really wants to have all the details and know all the information. It really goes back to my main frustration with this office and being 3 hours away. But I LOVE Dr. RE, so I'll deal with it. Hopefully we won't have to do this again and all will be good.

So tired of being tired!

2010-07-23T15:57:00.000-05:00

You know some of the medication side effects I expected...the bloating, the bruising, the mood swings...but this I didn't expect. I am so FRICKING TIRED! I crashed on the couch about 9 pm last night, after sleeping for nearly 9 hours the night before, and I am sitting here in the last 15 minutes of work (shhh don't tell) desperately trying to stay awake long enough to get home and crash out on the couch again. Its a really good thing its Friday and other than my US appointment at 8 tomorrow and church on Sunday, I don't have anything I HAVE to do all weekend. (OK maybe a little work since I'll be out most of next week, but that's not on a time table)

Oh Yea, since I crashed last night, I never updated with my results! Here you go:
Follicles (Right): 12, 11, 10, 10, 10, 9, 9 (7 total over 7mm)
Follicles (Left): 13, 12, 11, 8, 8, 8, 7 (also 7 over 7mm)
E2: 252
Progesterone: 0.8
LH 0.5
Lining: I forgot to ask!

So things are looking good. If everything at or over 10 keeps going, we'll have 8 eggs to harvest! Dr. RE really wants 10, so those 8's and 9's better pick it up. I go back for another date with Mr. Wandy (and hopefully Mr. Fab Tech) on Saturday. If the research I've done is right, we're looking at retrieval probably Wednesday or Thursday which means transfer Monday or Tuesday (if we make 5 days). I'm totally nervous right now! Less than a week away!

Update - Appt with Mr. Wandy today

2010-07-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a little random, so I apologize in advance. I don't have too much going on...but things are going to start to get interesting.

I've leveled out emotionally mostly, but I bet A would say differently. I've at least stopped randomly crying. I'm still easily irritated, and I think its mainly because of the daily headache I have, and the bloating isn't helping, but truly those are the only two really side effects I've had. I did feel like crap the first day of the FSH injections, but I'm sure that was just my body reacting to the meds...plus I forgot that I was only supposed to use HALF the saline to reconstitute the meno.pur OOPS! I had this enormous lump on my belly ALL DAY and it was really uncomfortable.

I've got this injection thing down to a routine now, although I still hesitate each time right before I stick myself. I was doing great until my lu.pron on Sunday stung really bad and gave me an ENORMOUS bruise. It was my first one (bruise I mean), and it just sucked! So now I'm a little gun shy.

I feel so blessed to have been given an opportunity to help another couple struggling with IF. Maddy was going to have to skip a cycle because finances were tight, and it just so happens that she is on one of the meds that I have extras of! Now if I could just figure out all this stupid customs requirements, I can send this off to her in Canada!

*Family members and those who know A and I well may want to skip this one* I feel really bad for A. I've not really felt like ...um ...getting busy since the injections began. Throw on top of it that I've been kinda bleeding since last Friday, and all loving has been nixed. I know he's getting frustrated, and its not fair to him, but I'm just not feeling even helping him out. I'm such a bad wife!

I had my first monitoring US this morning. I have to wait until this afternoon for the results. As much as I just LOVE my appointments with Mr. Wandy they are made oh so much better by the crappy US tech at the hospital. The women's center has 2 primary US techs, one guy and one woman, from here on know as Mr. Fab tech and Ms. Crappy tech. Mr. Fab tech is AMAZING! He's polite and ever so concerned about my modesty (because half of the medical professionals in out area haven't all ready been up my who-ha). He always keeps me updated about whats on the screen that I can't see, even though he's not supposed to, and is just a general delight to spend an not so delightful procedure with. Ms Crappy tech on the other hand is not so wonderful. First off, she always hands me the wand OVER my belly instead of from under between my legs. This means that I have to uncover to *ah-hem* insert Mr. Wandy, and inevitable she gets the blue goo on the sheet. So now I'm cold and I have blue goo on the sheet and me. GREAAAAT. Now did I mention that Ms. Crappy tech is a very small woman? Well she is, and that means that she makes grand large movements to compensate for it. Including wide swings of Mr. Wandy back and forth looking for my swollen ovaries. And she's none to gentle about it!!! I just wanted to scream at her "They're not punching bags lady!" Then she doesn't talk at all during the exam..NOT ONE WORD! so I sit there uncomfortable in the silence with nothing to concentrate on but her jabbing at my uterus while she takes FOREVER! oh yeah did I mention she's SLOW? Mr. Fab tech take about 10 minutes to check and double check my ovaries and he's done. Ms. Crappy tech? I was in there for 20 minutes and she STILL wasn't done. When she finally finished up, I managed to sneak a peek at the summary screen while she was printing the results. It looked like a lot of follicles, at least 8 were listed, but I couldn't make out any of the sizes, and she of course was not telling me.

OK rant over. Now that things are starting to get interesting, I will try really really hard to post more often. A was getting on my case the other day that I wasn't posting and if I wanted people to read I actually had to post once in a while. Not that I'm so worried about having 300 followers or anything, but I do hate to neglect those I have. I promise I'll be better.

One final thought, if you have a few extra prayers, please say them for Eileen. She is 30 1/2 weeks pregnant with twins and has been having a really rough time. From my guesses she's spent over half of her pregnancy in the hospital with one complication or another, and found out Monday she will be there until these babies are born. The icing on the cake, she started having contractions yesterday! She really wanted to make it to her scheduled C-section on August 31st, but her doctors really want he to make it to August at least. I know that this community has amazing powers of prayer, and she could really use that right now.

Emotional Meltdown #1

2010-07-12T22:29:00.000-05:00

I think it was inevitable...between starting the injections this weekend by myself, one of the fosters (dogs not kids) having 5 seizures over the course of 26 hours while A was still out of town, finally getting to the day of a major conference that I have been planning since March, a house that looks like a tornado came through it and house guests coming on Thursday, a major deadline that has to be met come hell or high water on Wednesday, and then add to that the stress I've been feeling from a volunteer position at my church...I had a major meltdown tonight. I'm still not 100% recovered...I start thinking about what happened tonight to trigger the waterworks and I think I'm going to start up again.

Why is it so hard to choose between what is best for the greater whole and what is best for you? I am really struggling about whether or not I should continue in my current volunteer position at my church. A thinks that I should just quit...either that or he's just saying that so I will actually take some action. The truth is I really haven't felt worshipful for weeks...maybe months. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of worship, but its nights like tonight that I begin to question why I am really doing this. Why do I put so much heart and effort in if no one else does. I'm so frustrated because I know how things can be and (in my opinion) should be and what it will take to get there, and no one else seems to want to make it happen.

Or maybe its just the Lu.pron talking....they don't call it Loopy Lu.pron for nothing *sigh*

And it begins

2010-07-10T00:43:00.000-05:00

I'm exhausted, but I had to put up pictures of the pharmacy I received in the mail today...

And the bottom shelf of my fridge

That's what $6600 of Meds looks like. I'm SO glad we have good insurance. All of that cost us MUCH less that the $6600 cash price.

The Lu.pron started today. And A is out of town so I get to do it all by myself. Yea Fun. Oh well bed time.

Pre Cycle Appointment

2010-07-07T09:06:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted yet because there's not really much to report. The pre-cycle appointment went off without much of a hitch. Nothing unexpected, my cycle is right where I thought it would be (give or take a day), and I'm just generally anxious to get started. One amazing thing I discovered in prep for this appointment was that I can get up to 10 300IU cartridges of Folll.istim and 30 vials of Meno.pur for one copay each!!!! We are TOTALLY ordering extra this cycle and I will then either have it on hand if we need it again (hopefully NOT!) or I can donate it to the clinic and can help some other couple who don't have AMAZING medication coverage! (Including a good friend who is starting an IUI cycle in about 2 weeks!!!)

I have also been blessed to find I have a cycle buddy, Kakunaa, who is actually starting Lup.ron on the SAME DAY I am. (Friday! Holy crap that's 2 days from now!!!) If you don't read her blog, I encourage you to go over and check her out. She's also given me a blog award...but I'll have to write that post later tonight.

So that's the news for now. I hope you all are having a great short week!

HOLY &!@^#$%$#(&

2010-06-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

Talk about when it rains it pours! Let me catch you up since I've been so MIA lately. I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post! Sorry about that.

I hit Cycle Day 1 last Sunday and started the birth control. A still can't get over the fact that I have to go on birth control while we're trying to get pregnant, but I think he's finally accepting it even if he's not understanding it. I called the Dr, RE's office on Monday and left a message on the Nurses' line that I had started the BC and needed the rest of my protocol. I wasn't too worried about it, I figured we still had 2 weeks before I really needed to know anything.

I don't know if the BC I'm on for this is a stronger dose than what I used to take or what, but I had the hardest time getting used to it. I had the WORST migraine last Monday, and have just been over tired and cranky for most of the last 10 days. I have to give A credit, I have been so Up and Down and Round and Round, and he's been so patient with me. I am so blessed to have him as my husband and my soul mate.

So here we get to Yesterday, and I haven't gotten a call back from Dr. RE's office, so I call the nurses line again. I'm in my weekly staff meeting and my phone rings. It's on vibrate, but I forgot it was in my pocket. I ignored the call and continued in my meeting. About 20 minutes later it rang again, and we were almost done, so I ignored the call again. It rang a third time almost immediately, so I finally gave up, excused myself from the meeting, and answered it. It was the Nurse with my protocol...and here's what it is...

On BCP 6/20-7/15

Start cycle appt. 7/6-7/9 (final payment due)

Lupron start 7/9 in evening... 20 Units each evening, once you start FSH you decrease Lupron to 10 Units.

FSH start (Bravelle and Menopur) 7/18

First Ultrasound back 7/23

Retrieval around 7/29... give or take a day. transfer 3 to 5 days after retrieval

I got the info and started freaking out...Start cycle appointment???? This was never mentioned!!! That's next week!!! And our PAYMENT is due?!?!?!!? What payment?!?!?!? We have awesome insurance for IVF, and I was told before that there would be no payment due until after insurance was billed!!! CRAP!!!! A in his always calm and optimistic mindset reminds me to take a deep Breath, just call the insurance gal...and call and schedule the appointment it will all be ok.

So I called, and it's all good. We do have to go to Dr. Re's office 3 hours away next week for the Start Cycle appointment. Blood work for A and I both, baseline US, and injection classes (Yea Fun NOT!) We're driving out Monday night, the appointment is Tuesday at 8:45, and we'll come back Tuesday afternoon/evening.

I can't believe how fast this all came up. We're going for retrieval a week earlier than I expected. I have a couple of concerns with the protocol, mainly the use of Bravelle. The last time we upped the dose of it, I had a non-stop headache, and I'm pretty sure my dose will be at least that high. Never mind that Follistim is 1/2 as much on my copay. (although either drug is CHEAP compared to what other people have to pay.) What I did realize what we're saving in good insurance coverage we're making up in driving, hotel, food, and boarding costs. I think we'll still come out way ahead thanks to some great connections we have (it really helps to know people in the hotel business) but it is a little scary. I'm nervous, scared, excited, anxious, apprehensive, and ready to plow forward all in the same breath. The way my feelings about all this have varied over the last 24 hours have been about the same as my moods over the 10 days. Its UNREAL.

So those of you who have been here before, any pearls of wisdom? The only medication I'm worried about is the Lupron. From what I've read those have to go into my tookis, and that means A will have to do them. Now A is not really a fan of needles anyway, and he hated watching me give myself the shots before. I'm not sure how he'll do having to give me shots.

Ok this has ended up being really long, and I'm sorry I took so long to come back. Thanks for sticking with me!

IVF Here we come

2010-05-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

Yep, you read that right. We had a phone consult with Dr. RE last night, and it looks like we are headed down the IVF road. I don't have a ton of time right now, but I wanted to get you guys an update. We'll get more specifics when I start my next cycle, but we could be looking at retrieval and transfer in late July! I'm excited and scared and anxious and nervous and hopeful and a whole bunch of other emotions all mixed up.

Dr. RE said the best thing yesterday that totally wraps up how I've feeling about all of the issues we've been facing:
"Little problems don't add up, they multiply logarithmically"
And so appropriate for the mathematician in me :-) Anyway, that's all I have for now, I'll write a longer update when I don't have 4 deadlines looming!

2010-05-13T16:55:00.001-05:00

Got the call finally...negative. I didn't think I'd be this upset but I am...This sucks.

Still Waiting...

2010-05-13T13:29:00.001-05:00

UGH Seriously! How long does it take to run a beta and call a patient with results??? I had my blood drawn at 7 am people! That was almost 7 hours ago!!!

GRRRRR

Beta Tomorrow

2010-05-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

I'm been so crazy busy lately, I've barely had time to think straight. I'm thankful though, because other than Sunday I haven't really had time to think about the fact that I'm in the 2ww. A even had to remind me on 2 different occasions that I couldn't have a drink (as much as I may have wanted or needed one). My beta is tomorrow, and frankly all that positive energy I had 2 weeks ago is gone. I'm having little twinges of symptoms here and there...nausea that lasts an hour...crazy odd heartburn one day...some tenderness in my bre@sts...but nothing major, and certainly nothing like the last pregnancy. I just don't feel pregnant. I know I know, lots of women don't even know they are pregnant until WEEKS after they should because they have no symptoms, and every pregnancy is different, shoot even Kate who knows shes almost 8 weeks pregnant isn't feeling anything (which is cause her all sorts of doubt by the way, head over and leave her a virtual hug if you have a minute). I'm so guarded anymore. I can't even bring myself to take an at home test because I don't want to start into that empty white space anymore. I don't want to see that word NOT ever again.

And yet I know that if I am pregnant, my due date will be January 18th. 2 days after my Fathers 61st birthday. That would just be awesome. I shared a birthday with my grandfather, and it always made me feel so special as a kid. To have my child share that with their grandfater would be too awesome.

Today is DRAGGING by. Tomorrow probably will too. Blood draw at 7am, I don't expect a call until after 3. UGH.

The aftermath of Coming out..and an update

2010-04-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

I posted my "coming out" statement on faceb**k Saturday morning. I posted a note about our journey without going into the nitty gritty on Tuesday. Today I will be posting resolve.org's Do's and Dont's of Support article (assuming I can find the article on their site to link to...does anyone have it? I have the article, but the link doesn't work).

The reaction I have gotten this week has been surprising to say the least. There are about a half of a dozen friends who have commented, all showing amazing support, and everyone else has been silent. I wasn't really expecting a barrage of comments, but I was expecting more then I got. On the up side, I did have one friend, K, who just got married a little less than a year ago that asked if I had any advice for someone who wasn't trying yet but would be soon. This is what I told her:
"Don't take your body for granted that it will work the way its supposed to. Be your own biggest advocate, and do everything you can to learn how your body is (or isn't) working BEFORE you go to the doctor. Invest in a Basil Body Thermometor AS SOON as you stop any hormonal birth control. If I had started temping 6 months earlier, my PCOS diagnosis would have been 6 months earlier, and who knows how much of a difference that would have made."

I don't think I was off base, but I do struggle with how much to offer her, She is the wife of a close highschool friend, and I don't know HER that well. I'm thinking of just sending her a private message letting her know that I am here and willing to offer her whatever help she needs now and as they begin their journey to parenthood. I pray that she won't have to go through what I have, but I want her to know that if she does, I'm here and I get it.

**Topic Switch**
I am so incredibly happy for Kate over at Busted Plumbing. She had her second coming out of the week when she announced her pregnancy on twitter and on her blog. Also, in case you didn't know, the Subfertile Frugalista, Christina made her Faceb**k pregnancy announcement this week too. I am so happy for these women, they deserve this so much, but at the same time I am sad for me. I look at my Google Reader, and its becoming more and more that the bloggers I follow are now pregnant. Its really hard, especially when I consider that I should be 22 weeks along at this point. I should be spending my time decorating a nursery and shopping for stuff not injecting my self and having apointments with Mr. Wandy.

I have to remain positive I know, or this 2ww will be unbearable, but Mother's day has crept up on me again. And to make matters worse, my booster HCG shot will be on Monday, so I won't even be able to test on Mother's Day. I'll have to wait until Wednesday to find out if this IUI worked. I have (guarded) high hopes, we had a couple of AMAZING follicles. It just so hard after so much dissappointment to be optimistic.

**Topic Switch**
Does anyone know of anyone using Br@velle as a stim med? I have 4 vials that I will not be using anymore (we switched my meds) and I would love to donate them another IFer. Unfortunatly my clinic doesn't take meds unless you can hand bring them in and since we're 3 hours away, I'm not making that drive. E-mail me if you know of someone.

Coming out of the Infertility Closet

2010-04-23T15:03:00.001-05:00

In honor of Infertility Awareness week this week (April 24-May 1), I have decided to come out of the Infertility closet. I had a great post all in my mind on all my reasons for it but Kate over at Busted Plumbing wrote this great post that absolutly reads my mind.

Tomorrow morning, my facebook status will read:

"Hi, my name is Nicole, and I'm an Infertile. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I want you to know someone you know and care about has been impacted by infertility. Please feel free to ask me questions about my condition, or talk to me if you are struggling with fertility challenges yourself. And educate yourself on Infertility by going to Resolve.Org, so you can better support the men and women who are impacted by this condition."

Will you join me in coming out of the Infertility Closet?

Welcome to ICLW!!!

2010-04-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

I can't believe its ICLW again already! (if you don't know what I'm talking about, check out Mel's explaination here or click the link at the right)

You can get the brief history about me here. An IF update since that post (WOW it's been a long time since I participated in ICLW!):

We tried another IUI Cycle in February: BFN
I thought for sure Dr. RE would want to move to IVF, but he suprised me and was all for going forward with another IUI, maybe 2 before making that jump.
I am currently on CD 6 of the next IUI cycle. I started the injectables last night, and go for my follicle check on Saturday, possibly triggering over the weekend.

There's a lot of crazyness going on in my brain right now, and I'm struggling to get it all out on paper. I have 2 posts in the works for this week. On for Project IF, and one on Coming out of the IF closet. Both are in relation to National Infertility Awareness week which begins April 24th.

Thanks for topping by, and I hope that you will come back!

Good News!

2010-04-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

I actually got to talk to Dr. RE today on the phone, and I am so happy I finally decided to call and get a phone consult. After talking through our situation, he basicly told me that if we were done with the whole IUI process we could move on, but he felt that another IUI or maybe 2 was a really good chance for us. That the pregnancy, although a miscarriage, resets the counter for IUI probabilities! I am totally stoked! As soon as this next cycle starts, we'll do another IUI protocol. I apparently misunderstood his position when he called me after my last BFN (which is no real surprise when I think about it). I am so glad that we don't have to take another cycle off.

On another note...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! Everywhere I turn another preggo crops up. There's got to be 50 women at work who are, and they all seem to go to the same places at the same time as I do. And you top that off with yet another friend who is preggo with her second in the time we've been trying...it just sucks. Crap even the lady's daughter on this weeks episode of Hoarders was pregnant. *sigh*

Frustrations

2010-04-07T13:54:00.001-05:00

I'm beginning to think I was spoiled by Dr. RE's office that is closer to my house. When I would call, a receptionist would answer. When I left a message for a nurse I got a call back before close of business. If I called after "official hours" I could leave a message on the nurse line if it wasn't urgent or be connected to the answering service if it was. If I sent an e-mail I had a response within a couple hours, even if it was 7 at night. All of this occurred whether I was in cycle or not.

Now that I'm dealing with the home office, it's like pulling teeth to have any of these experiences. First they are only open 8-4 EASTERN TIME and I'm in CENTRAL TIME. That means I have to get my calls in before 3pm locally. When I do call, it goes to an automated system that ALWAYS goes to a voice mail. Scheduling, Insurance, Nurses, it doesn't matter, I can't talk to a PERSON, just a machine and have to wait for a call back. Last treatment cycle they were supposed to send all my protocol info to my OBGYN who was doing the procedures so he would have it. When I called to schedule the IUI's Dr. O STILL hadn't received the info and didn't even know my cycle had started. After the procedures when I called Friday to verify my protocol, I didn't get a call back until MONDAY. Luckily I knew when to start my prometrium. The day I had an US and Blood work at 7 am (and I KNOW the lab had it returned by 9 am, I called to find out) I didn't get a call to tell me if I should trigger or not. When I realized it was after 3 and they hadn't called, I called all frantic and the afterhours nurse told me "You're supposed to take your booster tonight". I told her I knew I was supposed to, but never received confirmation that labs were ok to GO AHEAD.

I have sent 3 e-mails to and left one message for the nurse hoping to find out if Dr. RE will do our IVF consult over the phone, and have gotten NO response. I don't have Dr. RE's direct e-mail, or I would just e-mail him now that I'm not getting a response. I hate to be THAT patient. The one who calls 18 times a day and micromanages every aspect of her treatment, but I feel like I have to. I feel like this afterthought because I'm just a voice over the phone and not a face to these nurses. I wish SO BAD that we could go back to the nurses at the closer office, but we just can't afford the out of network costs never mind the additional deductible and out of pocket limits.

I HATE that we're MISSING another cycle. I HATE that my chance of having a 2010 baby is gone. I HATE that I'm so close to 30 and still not any closer to a baby. I HATE feeling like a second rate patient. I HATE feeling like there's nothing I can do about it.

Hop To It!

2010-04-02T15:13:00.001-05:00

Kate over at Busted Plumbing has set up a Blog Hop for Easter weekend. Head on over and join in, get to meet some great new IF related people (not necessairly all of whom blog about IF).

As for me, I'm still in a holding pattern. Sitting in what is hopefully the 2ww of break cycle #1 (CD 19), and just coming to the realization that I'm going to spend yet ANOTHER mother's day as a non-mother. UGH. This just plain sucks. I'm not even sure I did ovulate this cycle, and if I did it was probably a week ago (based on my body signals I'm not temping) so I've gon from o'ing WAY late (CD18-19) to WAY Early (12-13). And too top it off I feel like crap. I'm so blaoted today that my favorite skirt, which usually is even a little on the big side, is tight across my lower abdomen. BOO. I stepped on the scale this morning and am up 2 pounds from Monday. Double BOO. I can't get motivated to stick to the No Amylose diet, even though I know its what I NEED to be doing to make this work. I'm bummed about having to miss ANOTHER cycle because we can't get in to see Dr. RE sooner than the end of April. I'm irritated with insurance because they wouldn't grant my continuation of care and I have to pay out of network costs for my consults. I'm annoyed because I have to drive 2 hours to have a conversation that lasts 20 minutes and really could be done over the phone, so not only are there the out-of-network costs there are the gas costs and the time off work costs. I'm pissed because I have a "beautiful anatomy" except I still can't get (and stay) pregnant without intervation. I'm frustrated because we spent a year chasing my problems only to find out A has issues too that could have been dealt with while we were waiting for Dr. RE the first time. I'm generally cranky about the whole thing. HMMM think I'm PMS'ing?

Lessons from a Short Getaway

2010-03-28T19:17:00.000-05:00

I realized this weekend how much of a funk I have really been in lately. A and I took a short trip to St. Louis overnight Friday so that we could go the the Haunters Convention on Saturday. (A and I are HUGE Halloween buffs. We worked at a haunted house for 11 years before it closed.) Since it's a pretty long drive for us and we wanted to be there early on Saturday, we decided to drive down on Friday night. We stayed in a hotel for a ridiculously cheap rate thanks to my sister and just had a great evening Friday. We got into the hotel about 6 pm and took the Metrolink downtown. A really wanted to go try out this brewery, so we walked about a mile from uni.on sta.tion to the Tap Ro.om for dinner and a couple beers. First off I have to tell you Schl.afly's beer is AWESOME. Their Pale Ale was yummy! We also had a great dinner and AMAZING service. There were a couple problems with the food, and our waitress took care of everything right away. We ended up not being charged for my meal, even after they replaced it, and I didn't have to say anything more than "My sandwich is cold" I was totally blown away. That is really hard to do with me too. I worked in restaurants for 8 years, and as a trainer for 2, so I know how its supposed to be done. This was above and beyond everything I would have ever expected. Needless to say we paid the same amount we would have paid if we had been charged for my meal (and then some) and our waitress deserved EVERY PENNY of that tip.

After dinner we were headed back to the hotel and down to the pool. We forgot our swim suits the last time we spent the night in a hotel, so it was nice to actually have them this time. We got downstairs and had the whole area to ourselves. OH MY GOSH I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time. We just hand so much fun trying to to handstands and knocking each other over, racing the length of the pool, trying to dunk each other...you get the drift. It was like we were teenagers again. I don't remember the last time I laughed until I couldn't breathe, and that's how it was Friday night. After the pool closed, we headed up to our room, took showers to clean off the chlorine, and headed to bed.

All in all it was a really incredible night and the break I needed right now. Never mind the fun we had at the haunt show the next day. Friday night was a great reminder of just how blessed I am with the life. A reminder of all the things I can do even if I am faced with one big can't. I have a wonderful husband whom I love more than life itself, and who loves me back. I can laugh and have a good time to the point that its hard to breathe. I can smile so much that my face hurts. I can be a fun person to be with. I can be silly and crazy and even a little childish every once in a while. I can be a happy person even through all the struggles with infertility.

I can

The next step

2010-03-16T15:34:00.001-05:00

Long story short, AF showed on Sunday before I got to my beta Monday so I didn't go.
Today I got a VERY unexpected phone call, from Dr. RE himself! He wants us to come in to discuss our options. I have a feeling he wants to move to IVF. I not afraid of IVF, in fact I would welcome it, but I'm still unsure of some of the stuff that goes with it. A and I talked about it a little over lunch, but I'm sure there's more discussions to come. We know that our "plan" is for 2 kids. We don't have plans to try for more. If God give us more so be it, but we won't actively try. This means we would only transfer 2 embryos for an IVF cycle. Now we don't have any reservations about freezing, but I do have reservations about destroying extra embryos that could help another infertile achieve her dream of motherhood. And here's where this discussion gets a little sticky. A is concerned about our biological child finding out 15 years down the road and wanting to find his/her biological parents and what that would mean for us. Its a valid concern and a discussion to be continued, and highlights my one concern about doing IFV, what happens to the extra embryos after we have our 2 children.

I know I'm probably totally jumping the gun here, but the planner in me wants to have all this figured out before we start a cycle. The realist in me knows I will change my mind and second guess any decision we do make. So I think we just need to take it one day at a time. The emotions I'm going through in the last 48 hours have been so intense, I need to focus on getting me in a better place before we do anything else. I was such a wreck on Sunday, and now suddenly I'm hopeful again. There doesn't seem to be any in between, just ups and downs right now. I've got to find happy medium before I go totally crazy.

I feel Dirty...

2010-03-10T08:05:00.000-06:00

So I'm a bad person. Last night I went to go run some errands, and low an behold what store did I drive right past? The dollar store. And as any of you infertiles out there know, there is this crazy magnetic field surrounding the dollar store that draws in the infertiles who are in their 2 week wait. Those $1 pregnancy tests that are just as accurate as the $7 ones at the drugstore are all TOO appealing.

The really scary part is that I know EXACTLY where in this store to look for the tests. They are always in on of 2 places. Either right next to the register, or in the medication/baby aisle between the medications and the baby stuff (ok what idiot planned that?) So I walk in, there's none by the register. I walk down the correct aisle, and there's a big empty hook right where they should be. Bummer! I'm double checking to make sure they haven't been moved when an employee comes down the aisle sweeping. She asks if I need help finding anything, and I hesitate, but ask if they are out. She says No, they're up at the register. Oh I just didn't see them? No they're UNDER the register. Like some backroom movie or awful contraband. You have to be "in the know" to get them.

Why do I feel so dirty?

PS: I can't seem to find the spell checker in this new blogger post software, so I apoligize if there are MAJOR spelling errors. I was a math major and not an english major for a reason. :-)

Holy MONDAY!

2010-03-08T08:42:00.002-06:00

Wow today is really turning into a Monday for sure. For whatever reason I woke up in a..well...I wouldn't call it a foul mood, but definitely not feeling myself.

Saturday I had great motivation. I had coffee with some girlfriends in the morning and then I wanted to get the garage all cleaned and organized so we could get the new shelving unit we got for SUPER CHEAP put in. I started around noon, and it was beautiful outside, so A took the Goldwing out to stretch her legs. He came back and helped me for a couple hours, and then went back out in the late afternoon for over an hour. While he was gone, I got through all the shelves on the van's side of the garage sorted, condensed, even to the point of one being empty! I was so proud of myself! A returned about 5pm, and I was exhausted. We went in, I made dinner, and we vegged on the couch for the rest of the night (and watched Watchmen...strange movie). Yesterday we got up, went to church, and came home with intentions of finishing in the garage. Problem was I was still wiped out. I had NO energy whatsoever! So I vegged on the couch and A got to work. After a couple shows on the DVR and a brief nap, I finally felt like I has enough gas to help for a bit, so I went out and we got the other side of the garage cleaned to the floor. Now everything is sorted in bins, but nothing is put away or organized. I'm bummed we didn't get it all done, but grateful we got as far as we did. Plus the Van is IN, and the bike is accessible (Which makes A happy). The truck is still in the drive, but I think that's where it's going to live forever.

So this morning I get up and I'm still feeling just blah. I get up and let the dogs out, and the foster has piddled in his crate...again. We thought we had this figured out, but it just keeps recurring. GRRR. I let them back in, and Cleo (our resident) refuses. She has been a total snark again recently (although I refuse to read into it, the last time she was this bad, I was preggo). She completely ignores me and is CONSTANTLY into things. So I shut the door and fed the other 2 dogs. Cleo was finally ready to come in, and then I had to fight off the other dogs in order to let Cleo have her breakfast. Now this is not an issue if they all 3 get fed at the same time, but NO, miss priss couldn't be bothered to come in with everyone else.

So I get dressed, and the shirt I want to put on has a stain in it. Luckily I saw it before I left the house. I grab a different shirt and finish dressing, put on my makeup, and run downstairs to get my hose and shoes. On they go, and I proceed to catch my ankle on the gate keeping the dogs upstairs and put a HUGE run in my hose. I head back down and get a different pair, only to find the pair I grabbed ALSO has a hole. Take 3 finally works.

We get in the car and A says, all we need now is for something to break at home..the water heater or the fridge or something. Then you can say "Just when we were getting to a good spot..." You see it really does seem like every time we get ourselves squared away and things worked out just right, something major happens. A vehicle needs a major repair, we have a flood in the basement, the dog has bladder stones and needs surgery, whatever. A thinks I over react to these things, and I probably do, but hell its my nature as a woman right?

WOW looking back on this post all these little things seem so petty and stupid, and yet it really put me in a bad mood for my Monday morning. Maybe I am pregnant. Or maybe I'm just PMSing and that's the reason for the irritability and mood swings. My money's on option 2.

Waiting

2010-03-04T15:25:00.004-06:00

Here I am...in the middle of the DREADED 2 week wait, and yet it doesn't seem so bad this time around. Maybe it's because I know I can GET pregnant, and it's just a matter of time. Maybe it's because I have so much going on in my life right now that I can barely even keep my head straight, let alone worry about something new. Maybe it's because I gave up negativity for Lent. Whatever the case may be, I'm nearly halfway thru, and I hardly even thought about it until today. My beta could be as early as the 13th. Since that is a Saturday, I'm waiting until Monday for the blood draw so I don't have to pay double for after hours non-emergency outpatient labwork (plus the nurses are only there until 9am our time on Saturday and probably wouldn't call me with the results until Monday anyway). The question that remains is will I test at home on Saturday? There is still a CBE Digi and at least 1 dollar store test in my cabinet. I got a positive with the other CBE digi out of that box when my beta was only 12.5, so I'm pretty sure if I am at all preggers it will show up on that test. (Cue A saying "Yes but if it doesn't, you still won't know for sure until Monday, and then you may put yourself through all that stress for nothing")

To test or not to test...that is the question...

And we are a go

2010-02-24T21:38:00.005-06:00

Let's back up to Friday. I called Dr. RE's office frantic because of the bad news about the wash medium. They didn't have any real help, just a note from the doc that he DEFINITELY wants to do this cycle WITH an IUI, especially given A's varicocele diagnosis. I guess the first cycle after a miscarriage is often time VERY successful, go figure. The nurse suggested calling the office closer to my house to see if they know anyone closer who might be able to do the wash instead. I called nurse Wonderful and she says she doesn't know of anyone else in our town. There's a couple an hour away (the other direction from Dr. RE's close office) but that won't really help this cycle either. But wait she says, let me check something. I sit on hold for what seems like FOREVER, she comes back and says Have Nikki call our lab. we have more than enough medium to do our washes next week and if she can use what we have, we can lend it to her. SWEET! I call Nikki, she calls the lab, makes arrangements, and calls me back. All I have to do is drive tot he office the night before our first IUI and pick up the medium! I am Thrilled!! I start the follis.tim injections Friday night (no headaches YEA!). Can I just tell you how much more I like the Follist.im than the Brav.elle. No mixing, no vials, just my nice easy pen. I LOVE it. and the best part, the 600IU cartridge pen, supplies and ovid.rel only cost me $60 ins copay!!! Can you fricking believe that?!?!?!? and the ovid.rel was $40 of that! HOLY COW!
So today I went for my blood draw and follicle scan. E2 was 180 and I have 2 good follicles and 4 small ones. We trigger tonight to beat those 4 catching up (and risking MAJOR multiples) and then IUI tomorrow and Friday. Its really early for me, but it seems like we've finally figured out a protocol that works for me.

Now its on to thinking happy thoughts and waiting for my beta on March 15th. I think I might go crazy!

The Man Doctor

2010-02-18T21:16:00.004-06:00

So A and I headed to see Dr. T today to get everything in place for the IUI. Everything started off as we anticipated. We actually met the women who does the washes (Nikki). She took all the same history we had just filled out on all the forms they handed us (surprise, surprise) and then we waited for another 30 minutes (45 past our appointment time) and finally Dr. T came in. We talked a little over all the past analysis and then Dr. T asked A to drop trou for an exam. Everything went well, although about midway thru the exam, he asks A to bend over, elbows on the exam table.

Poor A had a prostate exam too...that we weren't expecting. Needless to say I felt really bad for him, but I couldn't help but laugh when he stood up to get dressed and the paper table cover came with him!!!

Anyway, results of the exam are good, although they did find a varicocele on the left side, but since we've had a successful conception, Dr. T doesn't think it needs immediate attention. He gave us the go ahead for the wash, and mentioned there was a backorderof the wash medium, and was going to send in Nikki again to give us the details. Nikki came back in and we talked about the schedule, and she says the wash medium is on backorder. There are 2 other couples on her schedule for next week, and she only has 2 vials of medium left. Basically unless one of those couples has to end their cycle for some reason, there isn't enough medium to do our wash (let alone the 2 Dr. RE would really like. She won't get anymore until after March 1st. My follicle scan is next Wednesday. After all this, we're still not going to be able to do the IUI in town. So now we either have to coming up with $1,600 for the our of network costs, take a 2 day road trip to Indianapolis, do this cycle with the meds but "at home insemination", or not doing the injectables and skipping this cycle (and no chance at a 2010 baby for me). I knew it was all going too smoothly.

Every time we think we find the road that's going to lead us to our baby, another road block gets thrown in our way. If it's not my problems it's his. Once we get those resolved it's the insurance. Then my body won't cooperate again. Now there's no wash medium available. I am totally bummed, totally deflated right now. A, the eternal optimist, says no biggie, we'll make it work. Dr. RE wants to right back in, so we'll find a way.

I just can't help but wonder if its this hard to make this happen, maybe its not supposed to? I know that's totally irrational, I can't believe God would have put the desire to be a mother, to give A a child, so heavy on my heart if it wasn't meant to be for me. I just am struggling to understand why all this hurt and frustration and struggle and trial is necessary. I suppose the fact that I wonder is why it is necessary. I still can't let go, I still can't completely trust the He is in control. I still question His will. I still question His methods. I still have a lot to learn.

Blog Bum

2010-02-15T12:53:00.002-06:00

OK OK OK I admit it I'm a blog bum, but the truth is I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. I've felt like crud for about 2 weeks, and really have been a total and complete @&^$%#* to top it off. I figured out today why though...PMS. Yep today is CD 1, and we got everything lined up to go ahead with this cycle! A goes to see the "man doctor" (Dr. T) on Thursday. He doesn't really need to go as far as Dr. RE is concerned, but Dr. T requires A to be a patient in order to do the wash for the IUI, so in we shall go. I also called Dr. RE's office today and left a message for the nurses. This will be the first time dealing with the nurses in his Home office (in Indy) so I'm not quite sure what to expect. I just hope they are more like Nurse Wonderful and less like Nurse Scitzo.

Thank you Christina for my blog award. It's my first EVER! I will follow up on that tonight.

Appointment Update

2010-01-27T21:39:00.002-06:00

OK I just have to say, I LOVE MY RE!!!

It was all good news today. He's really happy with how things worked out. He even told me I was right for refusing the methotrexate!!! We're a go for doing another IUI with the next cycle! I am totally excited. I thought for sure that we'd be in a holding pattern until at least March. His reaction was we found something that worked and it was a totally fluke that I ended up with a blighted ovum, so we are going to do it again. We are however going to change one of my meds because the injectables gave me uber headaches when we upped the dose last time. Hopefully it will go as well from a stimulating standpoint.

Top it all off, the Dr. RE is totally willing to let my regular OB/GYN (Dr. O) do my monitoring and IUI's with him "supervising" so I don't have to pay out of network costs!!!! And this was HIS idea when I mentioned that our insurance changed!!! This also means not more hour long drives and taking a half day off to do an IUI. I have to still talk to Dr. O, but from what Dr. RE said, he's done this with other patients. The Ins gal at the RE's office let slip that there are about a dozen patients in my office that are also patients at the RE and were switching insurance, so I'm guessing he's had to deal with this a lot lately.I have an appointment with Dr. O next week to have my annual exam and talk to him about it. Hopefully I won't get my visitor before then, and we can start right away with the next cycle!

I LOVE good news. I really needed this today.

Follow-up today

2010-01-27T08:46:00.002-06:00

This afternoon is my follow-up appointment with Dr. RE after the miscarriage. I am looking forward to it, mostly because I'm anxious to find out what he wants to do next. I'm thinking an IUI, but I don't know. Either way, it's probably on hole until at least March, but that's OK. We STILL haven't gotten the continuation of care approval, in fact they originally DENIED it because the Dr. is "out of the network". Um excuse me, isn't that the whole point of continuation of care coverage? To allow for in network coverage for an out of network doctor so you can continue to receive care while searching for a new doctor? It's being reviewed now. And here's the worst of it...Dr. RE IS in the network...if I drive 3+ hours to his home office. When I see him in the satellite office (less than 1 hour away) it's considered out of network because the clinic is out of network, and they do the billing, not the home office. The kicker...the clinic is just bureaucratic red tape away from merging with the local hospital...which IS in the network, and when that goes through, the clinic will then be in network. So we're talking maybe 6 months here. But we're also talking and additional $500 deductible and only 60% coverage if I see him out of network vs. 90% coverage in.

UGH. I hate that money and insurance coverage dictate what treatments people can and can't receive! We will probably continue to see Dr. RE regardless because he is just that awesome, but it still is just ridiculous!

What we don't tell our DH's aka the New Years Eve Conversation Post

2010-01-23T11:58:00.004-06:00

Ok so here it is Finally. I have been so surprised at how many of my message board friends have expressed this same sentiment, so now I'm curious, how many of you, my blogger friends are the same as I was?

On New Years eve, we spent the evening with our best friends in the world (D-him & J-her)...who happen to be fertile as bunnies. They got pg the first time the first month off the pill. They got pg the second time when their daughter was just 10 weeks old and she was still breast-feeding ( I thought that wasn't possible?!?!?!). Their 2 kids are 50 weeks apart. Needless to say, they don't really get all the infertility stuff, but they are still our biggest supporters. They have know from the beginning that we were trying, and have know about our struggles all along. We went to their house for lunch Christmas day (2 days after finding out about the miscarriage) and were so absolutely supportive. We love their kids absolutely and completely, just as we do them, and would do anything for them.

Anyway, at dinner on New Years Eve, we got to talking about the miscarriage, and I mentioned one of the girls on the message board who had had several miscarriages, and A says "Oh you mean so and so". (Back up about 2 weeks, and DH had asked me a question about something I had posted on Baby.Zone. I realized that night that he had been stalking me on the message boards!!!! And to top it off, since my blog address was in my signature there, he had been reading my blog!!)

I laughed and mentioned that yes, and if he hadn't been stalking me on the message boards he wouldn't know who I was talking about. I joked that I was mortified that he had found me. D was aghast..why would I care that he had found my blog or was reading the message boards where I posted? They were in a public forum and he is, after all, my HUSBAND; I should be telling him everything that I'm posting anyway.

The truth is, I never consciously KEPT it from A that I was blogging, but I never came right out and told him I was either. And I do post things both on my blog and on the message boards that I didn't always tell him or talk to him about, mainly because I don't need to stress him out with my emotional ramblings.

A hates to see me cry, and hates to see me upset, and like a typical man tries to fix it when I'm upset. And frankly, although I know he's just trying to help, his method of being rational about something as irrational as say being jealous because one of my friends from college had her baby before I even got pg just make me feel worse. I know its unreasonable, I already feel bad about it, him reminding me that its irrational and unreasonable doesn't help. I know he's trying to help, but sometimes I don't need a fix, I need someone to just say "Wow that sucks", and the blog and message board community does that.

And that's why I started writing a blog, to work through these feelings so he doesn't have to always deal with crazy emotional me. So I can work through some of these things that I don't necessarily need his support, or anyone's physical support, but just need to get out somewhere. Its like that whole therapy method of writing a letter to someone you're mad at but not sending it, because sometimes just getting the emotions out is all you need and then you're all better.

I realize that I probably do need to share more of what I'm feeling through this journey with A, but its really hard. At my worst, I feel like I've failed him as a wife. The problems we're having are MY problems, not his. If he'd married someone else, he'd probably have both his kids by now. Instead he married broken me, and I don't want him to resent me for it (and I know he doesn't, but we're talking at my worst here) Even at my best I can be a crying, emotional wreck, and I know he doesn't like to see that either. So I found another outlet to get through all of this so he wouldn't worry about me losing it all the time.

Now that I know he reads it, I don't censor myself, but I do talk to him about most of what I'm posting before I do. And he now knows (at least I think) that a lot of what I post is just so I can work through it and move on. Because the truth is I am a woman, and I am going to have irrational and unreasonable emotions that he can't fix, and maybe I don't want him to fix them. More importantly, he can't fix me, at least not this broken part, and that's OK.

So here's my question. How many of you, fellow bloggers, don't share with your spouse/significant other that you blog/post on message boards? Are you actively hiding it from him/her or just not being totally forthcoming about it? Why?

Welcome to IComLeavWe

2010-01-21T07:28:00.003-06:00

Welcome IComLeavWe-ers. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go checkout Mel's blog for all the nitty gritty details.

Since this is my first IComLeavWe I thought I would share a little about myself. For those of you who've been around for a while, there might be some new tidbits for you too, so sit tight.

IF Related:
A (my DH) and I have been TTC actively since January 2008. We were "not preventing" as my body regulated (HA!) after being on the pill for 10 years starting in November 2007. We've discovered along the journey that I have PCOS with insulin resistance. (which also helps explain the 100 pounds I put on over the last 10 years) Dr. RE (my reproductive specialist) put me on metformin and a very strict No-Amylose diet that has allowed me to actually ovulate on my own in a normal time frame (gasp!) and lose 35 pounds (OK 25 net, but I'm not counting my Thanksgiving to Christmas slide oops). I had a laparoscopy done in August only to find out my insides are "beautiful". We did an IUI in September and one in November. On December 9th I got my first positive beta ever. On December 21st, I found out my betas weren't rising and I would probably miscarry. On January 8th, we lost our first bean at 8 weeks 2 days. I'm handling the miscarriage a LOT better than I ever thought I would, and I am truly relieved. Tuesday I had a final beta, and my numbers are all back to Zero, so we go back to Dr. RE next week (assuming the continuation of care approval from my new insurance comes through)

The rest of my Life:
Wow it really seems like IF has defined me for the past 6 months or so since we started seeing Dr. RE, but the truth is, there's a Lot more to me than IF.

A and I are actively involved in our church (a large Methodist one). A sings and plays guitar in the praise band every Sunday, and I run the sound board and prep the visuals. We are also involved in a Disciple Bible study this year; its a 32 week cover to cover study of the bible, and I am loving it! I honestly believe that it is because of my growing faith that I was able to come through the last month mostly unscathed. Prayer really does work, just not always in the way we expect.

A and I are also involved in a Beagle Rescue. We currently have 3 dogs in our house; 1 is ours, Cleo, and the other 2 are our fosters Tess and Blue. Tess has had a rough go in life, she is a puppy mill survivor, and was totally unsocalized with people when she first came to us. As such, she is TERRIFIED of anything that walks upright. She's been with us just at a year, and she's making progress, but still runs from us and doesn't like to be touched. We HAD to give her a bath last night, and it took both of us just to get her into the bathroom. Blue is actually a foster that was adopted and returned. For some reason he was scared out of his mind of the dad of the family that adopted him. We don't know why, and he hasn't shown any signs of fear of men at our house, so the only thing we can come up with is the guys occupation must have made him smell like something that Blue is scared of (I don't know what that job is). Blue is super sweet and a big couch potato. I don't anticipate we'll have him as a foster very long.

A is also a semi-professional magician and I am his "lovely assistant". He does mostly birthday parties at this point, but what he really wants is to be a stage magician doing illusions (Think David Copperfield). We both have very strong views about the secrecy of magic and the brotherhood of magicians. Neither of us are fans of the David Blaine or Chris Angel style of magic, but then again neither of us really like to do Close up magic either. We both worked at a kiosk in our mall called Instant Magician for about 6 months. Doing the same tricks over and over for the mall rat hecklers is enough to turn anyone off close up stuff.

Well that's us in a nutshell. Thanks for stopping by! and don't forget to check out the others on the January IComLeavWe list!

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-01-19T13:23:00.006-06:00

My dad turned 60 this last weekend. He doesn't care too much for birthdays anymore (he's morphing not aging), but my sister planned a special dinner for him Friday night and his brother came over and his girlfriend flew in from Florida to surprise him and everything. And I couldn't be there because of a conference that I was basically 2nd in command at on Saturday. My dad lives 2 hours away, and there was just no way I could drive 4 out of 7 hours to get home after 11 and be at the office at 6:30 the next day. I'm really bummed about it, but had a great phone conversation with him later that night. There is nothing I can say that truly expresses how blessed I am to have him for a father, he has been our biggest cheerleader and our biggest supporter through everything so far, good and bad. He calls to check up on me at least twice a week when we are in cycle, and at least once a week off cycle. I honestly think he was more upset about the miscarriage than I was by the end of the week we found out. He will make an amazing grandfather, and I can't WAIT to give him that opportunity. I just had so hoped that he'd at least be having it to look forward to in this milestone year.

On the IF front, I had a follow up beta today and we are all the way back down to zero. Nurse Wonderful called with the news today, and she checked up on me 3 times last week. I am going to be SO bummed if we don't get the continuation of care approved and we have to look into switching REs.

I'm working on the New Year's eve conversation post I promise...at this rate its going to be February 1st before I get it up, but its turning into a doozey that I need to edit down a bit. I'll give you a clue though to wet your appetite...what action do so many of us infertiles keep secret from our husbands/SOs and why do we do it? Stay tuned

Official

2010-01-09T20:19:00.002-06:00

I know I made promises about a post about a new years eve conversation, and that will still come, once I'm feeling (physically) better.

We are no longer waiting to miscarry, it started Thursday night. Yesterday afternoon SUCKED. Hurt like HELL, but things have tapered off now thankfully, and Dr. RE's wonderful nurse called me in a script for stronger pain meds.

I'm doing ok. The emotional side has been really just being scared by how severe I physically feel. I wasn't prepared for this.

A new start in 2010

2010-01-05T17:10:00.003-06:00

Happy post Holidays everyone! I hope you had a GREAT New Year's eve. We spend the evening with our friends who had just brought their three year old home from the hospital. The 2 bottles of wine and case of beer we went through led to an interesting discussion...and that post is coming...but for know I have to write the obligatory resolution post, mainly because its been on my mind all day.

Like just about everyone else out in the blogsphere, I have been contemplating what changes to myself I want to bring about in 2010. So much has changed in my life in 2009, heck so much has changed in the last 2 weeks, I can't even begin to fathom the amount of change I'm going to go through in 2010. But there are definitely some things I want to change.

I don't like resolutions. I give up resolutions by February 1st. Always have, probably always will. It's just so cliche in my mind. However, January 1st is a great time to start new goals for myself (Or in my case January 5th since this is the first I'm really sitting down and thinking about it.) So without further ado...my goals for 2010:

Read my bible and pray daily. A and I are in a bible study that asks for daily reading and I have been terrible about keeping up. I usually am in a mad dash over the weekend to read the entire weeks lessons before Tuesday's class. I get SO MUCH MORE out of what I read when I actually read it every day. This leads directly into the second part, each daily lesson ends with a prayer time, so if I am doing my lesson, I will naturally fall into my daily conversation with God.
Clean my house EVERY WEEK. I know this sounds silly, but this is a big thing for me. I HATE to clean and as such, my house only gets really clean when people are coming over..then I spend 3 days freaking out because it's such a mess and I don't think I'll ever get it done in time. If I spend just an hour or 2 EVERY WEEKEND cleaning up, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, I can eliminate that stress and be more comfortable entertaining more often (which I love to do). Plus it will probably help me physically feel better too, since I have asthma and all.
Update my financial software EVERY DAY. A and I use a software package to help manage our finances, and I have been REALLY slacking. We are starting fresh with 2010 and kicking it into high gear so that we can truly become financially independent and secure, not just doing ok. Especially with all the unknowns with IF heading into the next year. Which leads into...
Don't let IF (and everything IF including message boards and blogging *GASP*) take over my life EVER AGAIN. There was a time in 2009 when I became so centered on getting pregnant and having a baby that it defined me. Every free moment (and even some I didn't have free) were devoted to anything IF. Research, message boards, reading blogs, just moping, whatever. Infertility does not define who I am, I define how infertility effects me. Yes it sucks, but I must still be ME after all of this.
Take some ME time every month, at least 1 whole day. I have to remember that if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of A or my future baby, or my friends, or my job, or my volunteer work, or anything else. If I fall apart, I'm no good to all those who depend on me, so I have to make sure I give myself time to unwind and just have a little fun...which leads to
Finish what I started with my weight loss. I was 35 pounds down and had 35 to go. I started this in July 2009, there's nothing to say I can't finish by July 2010. I have slacked over the last 6 weeks and haven't been on a scale in 4, so I"m sure I've back slid a little, but I can do it. And not for anyone else but ME. The feeling I get when I put on clothes like I used to wear and feel SEXY makes it all worth it. I can only imagine how GREAT I will feel once I actually get to where I want to be!

That's the big stuff. There's a couple little things...more that falls into a new daily routine after work, but this is what's really important.

A's hollering that it's time to go get dinner and head to bible study, so I'll work on the New Year's eve story tomorrow. Have a great night!!!

Relief

2009-12-30T09:40:00.002-06:00

I had blood work drawn on Monday. Beta was still rising, up to 500 now, but my projesterone was almost dropped in half. The NP was so much more open to me not having the Methotrexate now then they were last week, and I'm relieved. When I flat out told her I was not comfortable with it unless there was a risk to my health, she asked if I would at least be willing to go for an Ultrasound. ABSOLUTLY! I went this morning, and could definitly see a sac that was bigger than what we saw last week, but still empty. I'm waiting on the call from the RE's office, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all being ok. And actually feeling pretty good myself; physicially and emotionally.

Maybe its because spotting started last night. Maybe its because I'm not having any unusual pain. Maybe its because I have a friend who's 3 year old is in the hospital with breathing issues, and she needs me to be there for her. Whatever the reason, I'm ok. Actually I'm better than ok, I'm good. I hae to admit I'm scaring myself a little but here. Even my MIL was concerned that I'm not more upset than I am. Never in a million years did I think that wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve, cry-at-sappy-hallmark-cards me would be this ok with a miscarriage. And its not that I'm holding out hope that the doctors are wrong. I KNOW this pregnancy is not going to happen.

Yet I'm good. I'm not stressed, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not angry, I'm not hurting. I'm sad a little, but its more like a flicker of light in my peripherial vision; it catches your attention for a moment and once you realize what it is, you can just ignore it. It's a very strange feeling this way, but I am truly glad that this is how it has panned out. Lord knows A would much rather not deal with me being a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Maybe he's rubbing off on me a little too much.

Show and Tell!!!

2009-12-24T07:53:00.006-06:00

It's show and tell time again, and today I would like to share with you why I have the most awesome Husband in the world. Monday was a really rough day for me. I went and had blood drawn in the morning. Usually those results are back and I have a phone call by 10 am LATEST. When I hadn't heard from the docs office by noon, I called them. They didn't even have my results back yet!!! Finally I got a call at 4:15 while we were driving home. It turned out to be a good thing that the lab screwed up my STAT order, because as you all know, dear readers, the news was not good. I was a WRECK Monday night. Totally and completely inconsolable, and as my post was evident to, a little angry. A decided that he needed to give me one of my Christmas presents early. An that is today's show and tell.

He really debated about whether or not to give it to me at all, but I am so glad he did! While I may not have a baby on an US to show for it, I did conceive, and that's a HUGE step forward for me. In 2+ years of this journey, that's something I have never been able to claim.

Oh and he got me a tile coaster that says the same thing...and thinks I should take it to work with me...I'm not quite ready to go there yet, maybe when I have a big baby bump, and maybe not even then. It just doesn't seem like an appropriate sentiment for the office..you know?

Finding peace

2009-12-22T18:38:00.002-06:00

At the US today, they found a small but empty sac in my uterus and no signs of an ectopic (thank God for small blessings). The RE wanted to give me the methotrexate injection today, but we asked if since there was sign of an ectopic, we could just stop the progesterone supplements and let it resolve naturally. He agreed to give it a week, but if I haven't started bleeding by next Monday, I have to go for a repeat beta and we will re-evaluate. If my levels are dropping, he will let me keep going, if not, he wants me to have the shot then. If somehow my levels explode (1600+), I'll probably demand another US before we do anything.(assuming he doesn't ask for it first)

For some reason, sitting in the office after the US results were read, I got this overwhelming sense of peace. I think because A and I had decided to only take the methotrexate if there was evidence of an ectopic (or another danger to my physical well being), knowing I shouldn't be forced to medically terminate this pregnancy made this all a little easier. I am a firm believer that abortion is not the choice for me, and taking the injection just feels too much like an abortion for my comfort. It's one thing if my health and well being (or possible future pregnancies) are at risk, but just to make this go faster doesn't sit well with me.

By letting it resolve naturally, I am putting everything in God's hands, and that takes a great weight off my shoulders. A made the comment in the car on the way to the Dr. today that this whole thing in a way HAS been an answer to my prayers. I was so worried that the answer was "No" and this is God's way of telling me the answer is "Not right now". There is something else in store for me, something that being pregnant would not allow. I don't know what it is, I don't know when I will, but I have to have faith that God knows what he is doing and would not put me through this pain if it weren't absolutely necessary.

Thank you world for the slap in the face

2009-12-21T17:10:00.002-06:00

Today's beta was only 192. I go in tomorrow for a ultrasound and assuming they don't find anything, (which they don't expect to) I will get a Methotrexate injection to induce a miscarriage. God I can't even type that without busting into tears. I am just so upset right now.

I take it all back, everything I said about wanting to experience the joy of being pregnant...this pain is so much worse than if I just hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place...and 3 days before Christmas at that. Merry fricking Christmas to me. Now not only will I have the holiday as a reminder of what I don't have, it will be a reminder of what I lost...FANTASTIC

I'm not going to work tomorrow, and probably not the rest of the week. We'll just have to see.

God this SUCKS!