Bryan is Here!!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Once Infertile, Always Infertile

At least emotionally anyway.  I think I've figured out why posting in the last month or so has been tough.  I've really been struggling with a barrage of emotions that I don't know how to deal with, and some of which I don't like.  I've realized that I'm not over all the crappy emotions that come with unexpected pregnancy announcements.  You know the ones, the people who you either thought would never in a million years have kids, or who you figured from comments they had made that they were struggling and just weren't ready to talk about it yet, or they said they were done and "oops".   I had one of those come up recently and it hit me really hard.  Harder than I'd really like to admit even here.

It was one of the toughest nights of my life.  I was upset because she got pregnant so easily...and not just upset, green monster jealous upset.  What made her so special that I had to wait 3 years and she only had 3 months?  I was upset with myself for being upset and not happy for her.  I was upset with A for not understanding why I was upset.  I was upset at myself for getting upset with him.  I was upset that she was suddenly the only pregnant person around.  I was furious with myself for being so selfish.  Do you see where this is going?  All these irrational feelings (and more) that were in total conflict with each other and yet I couldn't stop the barrage.

This was over a month ago, and it still hits me almost every day.  I feel like such a tool for feeling a lot of it.  Part of me thought being pregnant would be this magic switch that would just make all the bad feelings about other people being or getting pregnant go away.  The truth is, I'm now not sure I will ever get over it.  It totally sucks that A and I had to go through all we did to get to where we are.  3 years of waiting, 2 years of treatments, thousands of dollars of medication and procedures (thank God for good insurance) and I still don't really understand why.  Do I think we'll be better parents now then we would have been 3 years ago, Yes.  Do I think something good came out of our wait, Yes.  We've learned so much by watching the parenting styles of those around us.  We value EVERY second with each other and this baby right now, and I imagine it will continue once the little man is born. We will still make our own mistakes I'm sure, but I'm hoping that they will be less because of what we've read, observed, and been through.  Even though there will be struggles and frustrations, sleepless nights and fights, I hope that I will be able to look at my son and be grateful for the blessings.

Yet there will always be a part of me that says "that's not fair" when the high school girl down the street comes home pregnant or the barely 20 something newlywed has an oops.  And I don't like it.  But I don't know how to change it.  I don't know how to let go of the jealousy and the anger and the pain.  I can only hope that finally being able to hold my son will one day take some of that away.  I think it's too much to hope that it will all go away.  Just like with any loss, (and infertility even without miscarriages is a loss in my mind) the pain will lessen with time, but it never really goes away. 

I just hold on to the hope that it WILL lessen with time.  And in the mean time, I got really good at smiling and nodding these last 3 years, so I'll just fall back on that.


  1. I am the SAME way. When I was first pregnant, I got green with envy when 2 of my friends got pregnant with #2, both oopsies both times. And both nearly 10 years younger than me. I get excited for people, but sad that it will never be like that for me. That my infertility will never go away. That I won't ever know what it's like to make a baby by making love. Grrr. You aren't alone, I promise.

  2. You are so no alone. Within a few weeks of letting the cat out of the bag about being pregnant, two friends let me know they were also pregnant (and both due a few days/week before me). I am thrilled for them, but I guess in the back of my mind I had a picture of myself as the only one and after all our struggles I was going to rule the month of March with my baby. :) It was a fleeting moment of jealously, I guess because I felt like we worked so much harder for it that I deserved it more.
    We are all so practiced at the smile and nod...hang in there. I have to believe it gets better with time for sure.


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