Appointment Update

OK I just have to say, I LOVE MY RE!!!

It was all good news today. He's really happy with how things worked out. He even told me I was right for refusing the methotrexate!!! We're a go for doing another IUI with the next cycle! I am totally excited. I thought for sure that we'd be in a holding pattern until at least March. His reaction was we found something that worked and it was a totally fluke that I ended up with a blighted ovum, so we are going to do it again. We are however going to change one of my meds because the injectables gave me uber headaches when we upped the dose last time. Hopefully it will go as well from a stimulating standpoint.

Top it all off, the Dr. RE is totally willing to let my regular OB/GYN (Dr. O) do my monitoring and IUI's with him "supervising" so I don't have to pay out of network costs!!!! And this was HIS idea when I mentioned that our insurance changed!!! This also means not more hour long drives and taking a half day off to do an IUI. I have to still talk to Dr. O, but from what Dr. RE said, he's done this with other patients. The Ins gal at the RE's office let slip that there are about a dozen patients in my office that are also patients at the RE and were switching insurance, so I'm guessing he's had to deal with this a lot lately.I have an appointment with Dr. O next week to have my annual exam and talk to him about it. Hopefully I won't get my visitor before then, and we can start right away with the next cycle!

I LOVE good news. I really needed this today.

Follow-up today

This afternoon is my follow-up appointment with Dr. RE after the miscarriage. I am looking forward to it, mostly because I'm anxious to find out what he wants to do next. I'm thinking an IUI, but I don't know. Either way, it's probably on hole until at least March, but that's OK. We STILL haven't gotten the continuation of care approval, in fact they originally DENIED it because the Dr. is "out of the network". Um excuse me, isn't that the whole point of continuation of care coverage? To allow for in network coverage for an out of network doctor so you can continue to receive care while searching for a new doctor? It's being reviewed now. And here's the worst of it...Dr. RE IS in the network...if I drive 3+ hours to his home office. When I see him in the satellite office (less than 1 hour away) it's considered out of network because the clinic is out of network, and they do the billing, not the home office. The kicker...the clinic is just bureaucratic red tape away from merging with the local hospital...which IS in the network, and when that goes through, the clinic will then be in network. So we're talking maybe 6 months here. But we're also talking and additional $500 deductible and only 60% coverage if I see him out of network vs. 90% coverage in.

UGH. I hate that money and insurance coverage dictate what treatments people can and can't receive! We will probably continue to see Dr. RE regardless because he is just that awesome, but it still is just ridiculous!

What we don't tell our DH's aka the New Years Eve Conversation Post

Ok so here it is Finally. I have been so surprised at how many of my message board friends have expressed this same sentiment, so now I'm curious, how many of you, my blogger friends are the same as I was?

On New Years eve, we spent the evening with our best friends in the world (D-him & J-her)...who happen to be fertile as bunnies. They got pg the first time the first month off the pill. They got pg the second time when their daughter was just 10 weeks old and she was still breast-feeding ( I thought that wasn't possible?!?!?!). Their 2 kids are 50 weeks apart. Needless to say, they don't really get all the infertility stuff, but they are still our biggest supporters. They have know from the beginning that we were trying, and have know about our struggles all along. We went to their house for lunch Christmas day (2 days after finding out about the miscarriage) and were so absolutely supportive. We love their kids absolutely and completely, just as we do them, and would do anything for them.

Anyway, at dinner on New Years Eve, we got to talking about the miscarriage, and I mentioned one of the girls on the message board who had had several miscarriages, and A says "Oh you mean so and so". (Back up about 2 weeks, and DH had asked me a question about something I had posted on Baby.Zone. I realized that night that he had been stalking me on the message boards!!!! And to top it off, since my blog address was in my signature there, he had been reading my blog!!)

I laughed and mentioned that yes, and if he hadn't been stalking me on the message boards he wouldn't know who I was talking about. I joked that I was mortified that he had found me. D was aghast..why would I care that he had found my blog or was reading the message boards where I posted? They were in a public forum and he is, after all, my HUSBAND; I should be telling him everything that I'm posting anyway.

The truth is, I never consciously KEPT it from A that I was blogging, but I never came right out and told him I was either. And I do post things both on my blog and on the message boards that I didn't always tell him or talk to him about, mainly because I don't need to stress him out with my emotional ramblings.

A hates to see me cry, and hates to see me upset, and like a typical man tries to fix it when I'm upset. And frankly, although I know he's just trying to help, his method of being rational about something as irrational as say being jealous because one of my friends from college had her baby before I even got pg just make me feel worse. I know its unreasonable, I already feel bad about it, him reminding me that its irrational and unreasonable doesn't help. I know he's trying to help, but sometimes I don't need a fix, I need someone to just say "Wow that sucks", and the blog and message board community does that.

And that's why I started writing a blog, to work through these feelings so he doesn't have to always deal with crazy emotional me. So I can work through some of these things that I don't necessarily need his support, or anyone's physical support, but just need to get out somewhere. Its like that whole therapy method of writing a letter to someone you're mad at but not sending it, because sometimes just getting the emotions out is all you need and then you're all better.

I realize that I probably do need to share more of what I'm feeling through this journey with A, but its really hard. At my worst, I feel like I've failed him as a wife. The problems we're having are MY problems, not his. If he'd married someone else, he'd probably have both his kids by now. Instead he married broken me, and I don't want him to resent me for it (and I know he doesn't, but we're talking at my worst here) Even at my best I can be a crying, emotional wreck, and I know he doesn't like to see that either. So I found another outlet to get through all of this so he wouldn't worry about me losing it all the time.

Now that I know he reads it, I don't censor myself, but I do talk to him about most of what I'm posting before I do. And he now knows (at least I think) that a lot of what I post is just so I can work through it and move on. Because the truth is I am a woman, and I am going to have irrational and unreasonable emotions that he can't fix, and maybe I don't want him to fix them. More importantly, he can't fix me, at least not this broken part, and that's OK.

So here's my question. How many of you, fellow bloggers, don't share with your spouse/significant other that you blog/post on message boards? Are you actively hiding it from him/her or just not being totally forthcoming about it? Why?

Welcome to IComLeavWe

Welcome IComLeavWe-ers. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go checkout Mel's blog for all the nitty gritty details.

Since this is my first IComLeavWe I thought I would share a little about myself. For those of you who've been around for a while, there might be some new tidbits for you too, so sit tight.

IF Related:
A (my DH) and I have been TTC actively since January 2008. We were "not preventing" as my body regulated (HA!) after being on the pill for 10 years starting in November 2007. We've discovered along the journey that I have PCOS with insulin resistance. (which also helps explain the 100 pounds I put on over the last 10 years) Dr. RE (my reproductive specialist) put me on metformin and a very strict No-Amylose diet that has allowed me to actually ovulate on my own in a normal time frame (gasp!) and lose 35 pounds (OK 25 net, but I'm not counting my Thanksgiving to Christmas slide oops). I had a laparoscopy done in August only to find out my insides are "beautiful". We did an IUI in September and one in November. On December 9th I got my first positive beta ever. On December 21st, I found out my betas weren't rising and I would probably miscarry. On January 8th, we lost our first bean at 8 weeks 2 days. I'm handling the miscarriage a LOT better than I ever thought I would, and I am truly relieved. Tuesday I had a final beta, and my numbers are all back to Zero, so we go back to Dr. RE next week (assuming the continuation of care approval from my new insurance comes through)

The rest of my Life:
Wow it really seems like IF has defined me for the past 6 months or so since we started seeing Dr. RE, but the truth is, there's a Lot more to me than IF.

A and I are actively involved in our church (a large Methodist one). A sings and plays guitar in the praise band every Sunday, and I run the sound board and prep the visuals. We are also involved in a Disciple Bible study this year; its a 32 week cover to cover study of the bible, and I am loving it! I honestly believe that it is because of my growing faith that I was able to come through the last month mostly unscathed. Prayer really does work, just not always in the way we expect.

A and I are also involved in a Beagle Rescue. We currently have 3 dogs in our house; 1 is ours, Cleo, and the other 2 are our fosters Tess and Blue. Tess has had a rough go in life, she is a puppy mill survivor, and was totally unsocalized with people when she first came to us. As such, she is TERRIFIED of anything that walks upright. She's been with us just at a year, and she's making progress, but still runs from us and doesn't like to be touched. We HAD to give her a bath last night, and it took both of us just to get her into the bathroom. Blue is actually a foster that was adopted and returned. For some reason he was scared out of his mind of the dad of the family that adopted him. We don't know why, and he hasn't shown any signs of fear of men at our house, so the only thing we can come up with is the guys occupation must have made him smell like something that Blue is scared of (I don't know what that job is). Blue is super sweet and a big couch potato. I don't anticipate we'll have him as a foster very long.

A is also a semi-professional magician and I am his "lovely assistant". He does mostly birthday parties at this point, but what he really wants is to be a stage magician doing illusions (Think David Copperfield). We both have very strong views about the secrecy of magic and the brotherhood of magicians. Neither of us are fans of the David Blaine or Chris Angel style of magic, but then again neither of us really like to do Close up magic either. We both worked at a kiosk in our mall called Instant Magician for about 6 months. Doing the same tricks over and over for the mall rat hecklers is enough to turn anyone off close up stuff.

Well that's us in a nutshell. Thanks for stopping by! and don't forget to check out the others on the January IComLeavWe list!

Happy Birthday Dad!

My dad turned 60 this last weekend. He doesn't care too much for birthdays anymore (he's morphing not aging), but my sister planned a special dinner for him Friday night and his brother came over and his girlfriend flew in from Florida to surprise him and everything. And I couldn't be there because of a conference that I was basically 2nd in command at on Saturday. My dad lives 2 hours away, and there was just no way I could drive 4 out of 7 hours to get home after 11 and be at the office at 6:30 the next day. I'm really bummed about it, but had a great phone conversation with him later that night. There is nothing I can say that truly expresses how blessed I am to have him for a father, he has been our biggest cheerleader and our biggest supporter through everything so far, good and bad. He calls to check up on me at least twice a week when we are in cycle, and at least once a week off cycle. I honestly think he was more upset about the miscarriage than I was by the end of the week we found out. He will make an amazing grandfather, and I can't WAIT to give him that opportunity. I just had so hoped that he'd at least be having it to look forward to in this milestone year.

On the IF front, I had a follow up beta today and we are all the way back down to zero. Nurse Wonderful called with the news today, and she checked up on me 3 times last week. I am going to be SO bummed if we don't get the continuation of care approved and we have to look into switching REs.

I'm working on the New Year's eve conversation post I promise...at this rate its going to be February 1st before I get it up, but its turning into a doozey that I need to edit down a bit. I'll give you a clue though to wet your appetite...what action do so many of us infertiles keep secret from our husbands/SOs and why do we do it? Stay tuned

Official

I know I made promises about a post about a new years eve conversation, and that will still come, once I'm feeling (physically) better.

We are no longer waiting to miscarry, it started Thursday night. Yesterday afternoon SUCKED. Hurt like HELL, but things have tapered off now thankfully, and Dr. RE's wonderful nurse called me in a script for stronger pain meds.

I'm doing ok. The emotional side has been really just being scared by how severe I physically feel. I wasn't prepared for this.

A new start in 2010

Happy post Holidays everyone! I hope you had a GREAT New Year's eve. We spend the evening with our friends who had just brought their three year old home from the hospital. The 2 bottles of wine and case of beer we went through led to an interesting discussion...and that post is coming...but for know I have to write the obligatory resolution post, mainly because its been on my mind all day.

Like just about everyone else out in the blogsphere, I have been contemplating what changes to myself I want to bring about in 2010. So much has changed in my life in 2009, heck so much has changed in the last 2 weeks, I can't even begin to fathom the amount of change I'm going to go through in 2010. But there are definitely some things I want to change.

I don't like resolutions. I give up resolutions by February 1st. Always have, probably always will. It's just so cliche in my mind. However, January 1st is a great time to start new goals for myself (Or in my case January 5th since this is the first I'm really sitting down and thinking about it.) So without further ado...my goals for 2010:

1. Read my bible and pray daily. A and I are in a bible study that asks for daily reading and I have been terrible about keeping up. I usually am in a mad dash over the weekend to read the entire weeks lessons before Tuesday's class. I get SO MUCH MORE out of what I read when I actually read it every day. This leads directly into the second part, each daily lesson ends with a prayer time, so if I am doing my lesson, I will naturally fall into my daily conversation with God.
2. Clean my house EVERY WEEK. I know this sounds silly, but this is a big thing for me. I HATE to clean and as such, my house only gets really clean when people are coming over..then I spend 3 days freaking out because it's such a mess and I don't think I'll ever get it done in time. If I spend just an hour or 2 EVERY WEEKEND cleaning up, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, I can eliminate that stress and be more comfortable entertaining more often (which I love to do). Plus it will probably help me physically feel better too, since I have asthma and all.
   
3. Update my financial software EVERY DAY. A and I use a software package to help manage our finances, and I have been REALLY slacking. We are starting fresh with 2010 and kicking it into high gear so that we can truly become financially independent and secure, not just doing ok. Especially with all the unknowns with IF heading into the next year. Which leads into...
   
4. Don't let IF (and everything IF including message boards and blogging *GASP*) take over my life EVER AGAIN. There was a time in 2009 when I became so centered on getting pregnant and having a baby that it defined me. Every free moment (and even some I didn't have free) were devoted to anything IF. Research, message boards, reading blogs, just moping, whatever. Infertility does not define who I am, I define how infertility effects me. Yes it sucks, but I must still be ME after all of this.
5. Take some ME time every month, at least 1 whole day. I have to remember that if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of A or my future baby, or my friends, or my job, or my volunteer work, or anything else. If I fall apart, I'm no good to all those who depend on me, so I have to make sure I give myself time to unwind and just have a little fun...which leads to
6. Finish what I started with my weight loss. I was 35 pounds down and had 35 to go. I started this in July 2009, there's nothing to say I can't finish by July 2010. I have slacked over the last 6 weeks and haven't been on a scale in 4, so I"m sure I've back slid a little, but I can do it. And not for anyone else but ME. The feeling I get when I put on clothes like I used to wear and feel SEXY makes it all worth it. I can only imagine how GREAT I will feel once I actually get to where I want to be!
   

That's the big stuff. There's a couple little things...more that falls into a new daily routine after work, but this is what's really important.

A's hollering that it's time to go get dinner and head to bible study, so I'll work on the New Year's eve story tomorrow. Have a great night!!!