Ok so here it is Finally. I have been so surprised at how many of my message board friends have expressed this same sentiment, so now I'm curious, how many of you, my blogger friends are the same as I was?
On New Years eve, we spent the evening with our best friends in the world (D-him & J-her)...who happen to be fertile as bunnies. They got pg the first time the first month off the pill. They got pg the second time when their daughter was just 10 weeks old and she was still breast-feeding ( I thought that wasn't possible?!?!?!). Their 2 kids are 50 weeks apart. Needless to say, they don't really get all the infertility stuff, but they are still our biggest supporters. They have know from the beginning that we were trying, and have know about our struggles all along. We went to their house for lunch Christmas day (2 days after finding out about the miscarriage) and were so absolutely supportive. We love their kids absolutely and completely, just as we do them, and would do anything for them.
Anyway, at dinner on New Years Eve, we got to talking about the miscarriage, and I mentioned one of the girls on the message board who had had several miscarriages, and A says "Oh you mean so and so". (Back up about 2 weeks, and DH had asked me a question about something I had posted on Baby.Zone. I realized that night that he had been stalking me on the message boards!!!! And to top it off, since my blog address was in my signature there, he had been reading my blog!!)
I laughed and mentioned that yes, and if he hadn't been stalking me on the message boards he wouldn't know who I was talking about. I joked that I was mortified that he had found me. D was aghast..why would I care that he had found my blog or was reading the message boards where I posted? They were in a public forum and he is, after all, my HUSBAND; I should be telling him everything that I'm posting anyway.
The truth is, I never consciously KEPT it from A that I was blogging, but I never came right out and told him I was either. And I do post things both on my blog and on the message boards that I didn't always tell him or talk to him about, mainly because I don't need to stress him out with my emotional ramblings.
A hates to see me cry, and hates to see me upset, and like a typical man tries to fix it when I'm upset. And frankly, although I know he's just trying to help, his method of being rational about something as irrational as say being jealous because one of my friends from college had her baby before I even got pg just make me feel worse. I know its unreasonable, I already feel bad about it, him reminding me that its irrational and unreasonable doesn't help. I know he's trying to help, but sometimes I don't need a fix, I need someone to just say "Wow that sucks", and the blog and message board community does that.
And that's why I started writing a blog, to work through these feelings so he doesn't have to always deal with crazy emotional me. So I can work through some of these things that I don't necessarily need his support, or anyone's physical support, but just need to get out somewhere. Its like that whole therapy method of writing a letter to someone you're mad at but not sending it, because sometimes just getting the emotions out is all you need and then you're all better.
I realize that I probably do need to share more of what I'm feeling through this journey with A, but its really hard. At my worst, I feel like I've failed him as a wife. The problems we're having are MY problems, not his. If he'd married someone else, he'd probably have both his kids by now. Instead he married broken me, and I don't want him to resent me for it (and I know he doesn't, but we're talking at my worst here) Even at my best I can be a crying, emotional wreck, and I know he doesn't like to see that either. So I found another outlet to get through all of this so he wouldn't worry about me losing it all the time.
Now that I know he reads it, I don't censor myself, but I do talk to him about most of what I'm posting before I do. And he now knows (at least I think) that a lot of what I post is just so I can work through it and move on. Because the truth is I am a woman, and I am going to have irrational and unreasonable emotions that he can't fix, and maybe I don't want him to fix them. More importantly, he can't fix me, at least not this broken part, and that's OK.
So here's my question. How many of you, fellow bloggers, don't share with your spouse/significant other that you blog/post on message boards? Are you actively hiding it from him/her or just not being totally forthcoming about it? Why?
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