Relief

I had blood work drawn on Monday. Beta was still rising, up to 500 now, but my projesterone was almost dropped in half. The NP was so much more open to me not having the Methotrexate now then they were last week, and I'm relieved. When I flat out told her I was not comfortable with it unless there was a risk to my health, she asked if I would at least be willing to go for an Ultrasound. ABSOLUTLY! I went this morning, and could definitly see a sac that was bigger than what we saw last week, but still empty. I'm waiting on the call from the RE's office, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all being ok. And actually feeling pretty good myself; physicially and emotionally.

Maybe its because spotting started last night. Maybe its because I'm not having any unusual pain. Maybe its because I have a friend who's 3 year old is in the hospital with breathing issues, and she needs me to be there for her. Whatever the reason, I'm ok. Actually I'm better than ok, I'm good. I hae to admit I'm scaring myself a little but here. Even my MIL was concerned that I'm not more upset than I am. Never in a million years did I think that wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve, cry-at-sappy-hallmark-cards me would be this ok with a miscarriage. And its not that I'm holding out hope that the doctors are wrong. I KNOW this pregnancy is not going to happen.

Yet I'm good. I'm not stressed, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not angry, I'm not hurting. I'm sad a little, but its more like a flicker of light in my peripherial vision; it catches your attention for a moment and once you realize what it is, you can just ignore it. It's a very strange feeling this way, but I am truly glad that this is how it has panned out. Lord knows A would much rather not deal with me being a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Maybe he's rubbing off on me a little too much.

Show and Tell!!!

It's show and tell time again, and today I would like to share with you why I have the most awesome Husband in the world. Monday was a really rough day for me. I went and had blood drawn in the morning. Usually those results are back and I have a phone call by 10 am LATEST. When I hadn't heard from the docs office by noon, I called them. They didn't even have my results back yet!!! Finally I got a call at 4:15 while we were driving home. It turned out to be a good thing that the lab screwed up my STAT order, because as you all know, dear readers, the news was not good. I was a WRECK Monday night. Totally and completely inconsolable, and as my post was evident to, a little angry. A decided that he needed to give me one of my Christmas presents early. An that is today's show and tell.

He really debated about whether or not to give it to me at all, but I am so glad he did! While I may not have a baby on an US to show for it, I did conceive, and that's a HUGE step forward for me. In 2+ years of this journey, that's something I have never been able to claim.

Oh and he got me a tile coaster that says the same thing...and thinks I should take it to work with me...I'm not quite ready to go there yet, maybe when I have a big baby bump, and maybe not even then. It just doesn't seem like an appropriate sentiment for the office..you know?

Finding peace

At the US today, they found a small but empty sac in my uterus and no signs of an ectopic (thank God for small blessings). The RE wanted to give me the methotrexate injection today, but we asked if since there was sign of an ectopic, we could just stop the progesterone supplements and let it resolve naturally. He agreed to give it a week, but if I haven't started bleeding by next Monday, I have to go for a repeat beta and we will re-evaluate. If my levels are dropping, he will let me keep going, if not, he wants me to have the shot then. If somehow my levels explode (1600+), I'll probably demand another US before we do anything.(assuming he doesn't ask for it first)

For some reason, sitting in the office after the US results were read, I got this overwhelming sense of peace. I think because A and I had decided to only take the methotrexate if there was evidence of an ectopic (or another danger to my physical well being), knowing I shouldn't be forced to medically terminate this pregnancy made this all a little easier. I am a firm believer that abortion is not the choice for me, and taking the injection just feels too much like an abortion for my comfort. It's one thing if my health and well being (or possible future pregnancies) are at risk, but just to make this go faster doesn't sit well with me.

By letting it resolve naturally, I am putting everything in God's hands, and that takes a great weight off my shoulders. A made the comment in the car on the way to the Dr. today that this whole thing in a way HAS been an answer to my prayers. I was so worried that the answer was "No" and this is God's way of telling me the answer is "Not right now". There is something else in store for me, something that being pregnant would not allow. I don't know what it is, I don't know when I will, but I have to have faith that God knows what he is doing and would not put me through this pain if it weren't absolutely necessary.

Thank you world for the slap in the face

Today's beta was only 192. I go in tomorrow for a ultrasound and assuming they don't find anything, (which they don't expect to) I will get a Methotrexate injection to induce a miscarriage. God I can't even type that without busting into tears. I am just so upset right now.

I take it all back, everything I said about wanting to experience the joy of being pregnant...this pain is so much worse than if I just hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place...and 3 days before Christmas at that. Merry fricking Christmas to me. Now not only will I have the holiday as a reminder of what I don't have, it will be a reminder of what I lost...FANTASTIC

I'm not going to work tomorrow, and probably not the rest of the week. We'll just have to see.

God this SUCKS!

I hate all this waiting

Really I just want some answere. Good or bad, I just want to KNOW!.

I realized I never updated after my beta last Wednesday. I was so wrapped up in getting ready for family to come this weekend, I totally forgot to post. BAD BLOGGER! Anyway, my numbers did continue to rise, although again, not as much as they wanted, I was only at a 76. They're concerend about an ectopic now, and sent me more another beta and progesterone test this morning. With all of my other tests I've had a phone call by 10:00 am, some as early as 8:30. I've been at the lab around the same time (give or take 10 minutes) every time. I KNEW there was going to be a problem when the vials didn't have the bright orange STAT labels on them. I asked the nurse if she had them, and she assured me she would put them on, but I'm begining to think she didn't. Either that or my numbers are so screwed up that they don't know what to do with me and are waiting to talk to the Dr. at their noon conference call. I'm seriously hoping for the fomer and fearing the latter.

I really hate waiting.

The results are in...

40.6!

It's official, according to the Dr.'s office, we caught it early, and I am preggers!!!! I go for one more blood draw on wednesday and assuming that is between 80 and 100 (or more) They will schedule my first US! I know the numbers are still really low, but they are positive so I will be too.

I am beyond excited right now. I just can't thank you, my followers and readers enough for all your support and kind words during the last few weeks. It seems like when you hit your lowest low, as I felt I had a couple weeks ago, the highs are so much higher. I hope that all of you who are still waiting for your positives get them so very soon. I wish for everyone to be able to experience the joy I have right now.

Pause..until Monday

2nd beta results are in.

17.4

Not the 21 or 25 we were hoping for, but still an increase. And increases are good. I go back on Monday for another test. If the numbers go up I keep on keeping on. If the numbers go down or stay the same (less than 20), I stop the meds and let nature do its thing. My cloud 9 is a little deflated, but I'm still being optimistic.

Something in my heart says that this is truly meant to be, but I can't help being a little scared. I'm still going to go ahead with my plans to tell my Dad this weekend, but not the whole extended family like we had originally thought. I think I'm going to need the excitement and happiness over the weekend to get me through.

Thank you for all the kind words and support I've gotten over the last week. It's amazing how my emotions have been all over the place. A keeps saying I'd better be knocked up, becuase if I'm not with these moods swings, I've got serious problems :-)

Show and Tell

I have found a great new blog, Stirrup-Queens, and one of the things Mel does each week is show and Tell. This week I've decided to join in. Head on over to Mel's Blog to see the rest of this week's class. Here is mine


There is a lot that goes with this picture, most good, a little bad, but primarily it is a reminder to me of happier (although naive) times. This picture was taken on the cruise that A and I went on in January 2008, just at the beginning of our TTC journey. I had gone off the pill in September, and we were in the "not preventing" stage until the cruise to give my body the recommended 3-4 months to adjust after being on the pill for as long as I had been. His co-workers nicknamed it the "motion of the ocean" cruise. I had grand expectations of actually concieving on this trip (I was in fact probably going to ovulate our last day out). I had no concept of how difficult this journey would be. It was all new and exciting. I didn't know what BBT or OPK or BFP even meant at this point, I just knew that A was finally ready to really kick things into high gear! I have this picture sitting on my desk at work and hanging on the wall at home to help me remember on my worst days as we have gone through all of this that I was excited at one point, and I should remain that way. That no matter what happens or how long it takes, I have to remain excited about the process and keep baby-making fun!

The second thing this picture does for me is reminds me I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I made the dress I am wearing in this picture, and it was a HUGE challenge for me. I am a pretty decent seamstress, so the dress in general wasn't that hard, it was a fairly simple pattern, my problem is I am a different size on top than I am on bottom. So in order to make a failry fitted dress look good, I had to customize the pattern for me. I didn't realize the undertaking this would be when I started the dress a week before we left, but I perservered and got it done in time to take it with!

Finally (and the one negative this picture has), I am at the heaviest I have ever been in this picture. Most people would look at this and say it's not bad, I 'don't look heavy, but what you have to understand is that 10 years ago I weighed more than 100 lbs less than I do in this picture. Just 4 years earlier I had been almost 50 lbs lighter. I was skinny (perhaps too much so) my entire life. When I went to college and let my weight get ahead of me, and then got married and let it get worse, I honestly believe that may be part of what caused my downward spiral into infertility. Insulin Resistance can lay dormant for years and be triggered into action by poor diet and weight gain. This picture helps me to never forget where I was and why I don't wasy to be back there. This picture is a constant reminder that I am in control of my weight and only I can do anything about it. Now, almost all the way back down to the weight I was when we got married, and 30 lbs of that in the last 6 months, I feel confident that I am in control of everything I can be in control of. The rest I leave up to God.

That's my Show and Tell for today. Don't for get to go check out the others in today's class.

OMG OMG OMG

Beta results are in....

12.6!!!!!!

The nurse is "cautiously optimistic" that I am pregnant. They really would like to see a 25 or higher at this point, but anything over a 5 is good. I go back Friday for a repeat and anything over a 21 will confirm.

AHHHHHHHH!

Tomorrow...Tomorrow...

You're only a day away!

Why does it seem like 14 days can last forever? Tomorrow is my beta. I don't know what to think. I've been feeling really wierd for the last...well since Thanksgiving. Lots of strange symptoms I don't usually have, ones I do usually have lasting longer, some completly absent. I've been having all these wierd twinges and sudden bouts of nausea that go away as quickly as they come. I hate to get myself all worked up just to be let down. I have a dollar store test sitting on my kitchen table for the morning, so I can prepare myself for the nurse's phone call. I'm scared to take it.

I can't look and that starm white blankness again. I have such big plans for having a wonderful Christmas and don't want them to be dashed. We're going to see family this weekend and having family at our house next weekend, and they all know (mainly because my parents can't keep their big mouths shut) that my beta is tomorrow. I don't want to face all the questions. I don't want to deal with having to tell people over and over again I'm not pregnant...again.

Another blogger friend posted earlier this week (or maybe it was last week I can't seem to find the post now) that all she wanted for christmas was a dead baby. She, like me, has never even known the joy of getting pregnant. She expressed that maybe if she had at least been pregnant and miscarried, people would understand the pain she was feeling. Unstead, people offer useless advice and tell you your time will come and don't get that EVERY month requires some level of mourning. If she had the dead baby in her history maybe then people would understand.

While I can't say I would ever wish for a miscarriage, I understand where she is coming from. At least then you have something tangible to mourn. At least then you have others to morun the loss with you. At least then its not as taboo. At least then you're not a complete failure as a mother. You've been a mother, if only for a short time. You may not have children yet in this life, but there is hope for you.

All of these negative thoughts may be in vain. I may be pregnant right now. I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to know. Part of me wants to stay in limbo where there's still a little shred of hope, a small light at the end of the tunnel. I guess tomorrow will tell.

Addresses

To all who read my blog:

At this time of year I am reminded of all the small gifts in life. Right now one of the biggest gifts for me has been this blog. Having an outlet for my fears, frustrations and hopes has made a HUGE difference in my life over the past several months. Even if you don't comment, I would like to acknowledge you. Please send me an e-mail with your snail mail address so I can.

Thanks!
Nicole

Prayers for a friend...

Another blogger friend is struggling right now with the fall through of her open adoption. Long story short, everything was a go up until AFTER the baby was born, and now the birth mother has reneged. Please keep Bon and her husband from icanhazbebe in your prayers as they struggle with all the emotions that this situation has presented.