Bryan is Here!!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Finding peace

At the US today, they found a small but empty sac in my uterus and no signs of an ectopic (thank God for small blessings). The RE wanted to give me the methotrexate injection today, but we asked if since there was sign of an ectopic, we could just stop the progesterone supplements and let it resolve naturally. He agreed to give it a week, but if I haven't started bleeding by next Monday, I have to go for a repeat beta and we will re-evaluate. If my levels are dropping, he will let me keep going, if not, he wants me to have the shot then. If somehow my levels explode (1600+), I'll probably demand another US before we do anything.(assuming he doesn't ask for it first)

For some reason, sitting in the office after the US results were read, I got this overwhelming sense of peace. I think because A and I had decided to only take the methotrexate if there was evidence of an ectopic (or another danger to my physical well being), knowing I shouldn't be forced to medically terminate this pregnancy made this all a little easier. I am a firm believer that abortion is not the choice for me, and taking the injection just feels too much like an abortion for my comfort. It's one thing if my health and well being (or possible future pregnancies) are at risk, but just to make this go faster doesn't sit well with me.

By letting it resolve naturally, I am putting everything in God's hands, and that takes a great weight off my shoulders. A made the comment in the car on the way to the Dr. today that this whole thing in a way HAS been an answer to my prayers. I was so worried that the answer was "No" and this is God's way of telling me the answer is "Not right now". There is something else in store for me, something that being pregnant would not allow. I don't know what it is, I don't know when I will, but I have to have faith that God knows what he is doing and would not put me through this pain if it weren't absolutely necessary.

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