Relief

I had blood work drawn on Monday. Beta was still rising, up to 500 now, but my projesterone was almost dropped in half. The NP was so much more open to me not having the Methotrexate now then they were last week, and I'm relieved. When I flat out told her I was not comfortable with it unless there was a risk to my health, she asked if I would at least be willing to go for an Ultrasound. ABSOLUTLY! I went this morning, and could definitly see a sac that was bigger than what we saw last week, but still empty. I'm waiting on the call from the RE's office, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all being ok. And actually feeling pretty good myself; physicially and emotionally.

Maybe its because spotting started last night. Maybe its because I'm not having any unusual pain. Maybe its because I have a friend who's 3 year old is in the hospital with breathing issues, and she needs me to be there for her. Whatever the reason, I'm ok. Actually I'm better than ok, I'm good. I hae to admit I'm scaring myself a little but here. Even my MIL was concerned that I'm not more upset than I am. Never in a million years did I think that wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve, cry-at-sappy-hallmark-cards me would be this ok with a miscarriage. And its not that I'm holding out hope that the doctors are wrong. I KNOW this pregnancy is not going to happen.

Yet I'm good. I'm not stressed, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not angry, I'm not hurting. I'm sad a little, but its more like a flicker of light in my peripherial vision; it catches your attention for a moment and once you realize what it is, you can just ignore it. It's a very strange feeling this way, but I am truly glad that this is how it has panned out. Lord knows A would much rather not deal with me being a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Maybe he's rubbing off on me a little too much.