Crying in Church

Let me preface this post by saying 2 things:

1. Although I am a VERY emotional person, I am a very PRIVATELY emotional person. I hate it when I lose it in public places, especially somewhere where I can't hide.

2. I run the sound for the praise band at our church and A sings and plays guitar in that band. We both play a VERY active role in the service each week, and really feel that the way we connect with God is through music. Oh, and I love listening to him sing.

Today started our Advent sermon series, which is titled "Gifts", and today's sermon was about the gift of Hope Christ offers to us even in our darkest hours. As part of the worship team, we knew ahead of time the theme for the series and each week. As such, one of the songs the band director picked this week was "From the Inside out" by Hillsong and it just happens to be one of my and A's favorites, and one he sings lead on.

There have only been a couple of times when I have truly felt touched by the Holy Spirit...like God was talking directly to me. The first was the first time A ever sang with the band. It was a Maundy Thursday service (and the first I had ever been too) and one of the songs was "Above All" The idea that one man could...and would...give his life so I could live eternal life in heaven was so profound to me that night, I couldn't help myself, I had the big old crocodile tears right there in the pew.

The second was a little over a year ago, at a Chris Tomlin worship concert. He has a version of "Amazing Grace" that is just beautiful. When we were at this concert (with that friend who has been telling me to give this all to God no less) I had just hit the first point of desperation. We were having no luck getting pregnant, didn't know why at this point, and still had 3 months or so before my doctor would even see me because it hadn't been a year yet. After the message, Chris went right into Amazing Grace. He hit that first chorus, and the emotions just over took me. I realized that if I could just give it to him, my chains would be gone.

Fast forward to today, and once again A is singing, and this time its "From the Inside out" by Hillsong. The lyrics in the chorus are
"My heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord
My soul cries out"

With the conversation we had on Tuesday and all the reflecting I've been doing this week, it just really hit me hard today. And there I was sitting in front of the sound board, fighting off the urge to just ball like I did Tuesday night. There was no fighting the crocodile tears, but I at least kept the sobs at bay...until the message. If I could just give control over to God he would give me Hope. His light will shine when I feel all hope is lost. All I have to do is ask Him to tear open the heavens and pour it out upon me. Today I prayed these lyrics over and over, and until I truly feel that I have accomplished it, I will continue to pray:

My heart and my soul,
Lord I give You control.
Consume me from the inside out Lord
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord
My soul cries out

A realization

I had a really rough night last night. A and I are involved in a Disciple Bible Study at church (a 36 week in depth study of the bible, basically cover to cover). We're in week 10, and have gotten to 1 & 2 Kings. This week's lesson was all about the prophets, Elijah and Elisha mostly. Near the end of the night, we started our "how does this apply to today's life" discussion, and one of the questions was "Who has been a prophet in your life? Who has brought you a warning?"

I have a good friend (lets call her Hannah) who is a former worship leader and knows all the struggles we are going through. For the last year, she has been encouraging me to give this all over to God. And I've failed. I'm a control freak. I've convinced myself that I have control in this situation, and I don't want to give it up. I realized that Hannah is my prophet. If God was going to speak to me through anyone, it would be her. I respect her relationship with Christ, and at times I am a little envious of it. Part of the reason I joined this study was to help me develop a relationship with God that was more like hers. But even coming to the realization that I do believe it is God talking to me through her, I still can't give it up. We got in the car after group, and A turned to me and said: "I want you to think about something long and hard between now and next week. You keep talking about it at Disciple, but you never follow through. What's wrong with asking for prayer?"

You see, we share prayer requests (joys and concerns) each week at the end of class. His point was, if I want to give this over to God, and am struggling with that, then what better group of people to ask to help me with that...through their prayer. And the truth is, there is no good reason. Just all the stupid little petty selfish hormonal reasons that I keep kidding myself about. It boils down to one thing...

If I can't pray for myself, how can I ask others to pray for me?

This thought hit me so hard last night. On top of a whole other barrage of emotions that are probably 100% hormone imbalance related, I realized that I feel like I've failed as a Christian (among other things). I talk the talk really well, but I struggle to walk the walk. I know what I probably need to do, but I can't follow through. I'm so scared that I won't like the answer. We recently read about Hannah and how she prayed for years and years for God to bless her with a child, and finally her prayers were answered. But I can't bring myself to do that. It seems so selfish. It seems like I am am asking for MY will to be done not God's. Even though it's really what I want to pray for, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to talk to God about ME what I'm not ready to say "yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42)

And that is why I need to ask others for prayer

So here I am, taking that first step. Blog friends, if you are the praying type, will you please pray for me. Not that this cycle works, not that I get pregnant (although that couldn't hurt), but that I can let go. Please pray that I can find the strength and wisdom to know the difference between those things I have control over and the things I need to give to God. Pray that I can find peace through this whole process and can accept God's path for me, whatever it may be. Pray that I can find a way to talk to God about me.

Officially in the 2ww

We had IUI #2 this morning. Just like last time, A's day 1 numbers were so-so and the day 2 numbers were through the roof. He is apparrantly a 24 hour kinda guy...no wonder the everyother day method wasn't working for us! He's totally excited that this means when it comes time for baby #2 eventually we'll be employing the every day method :-D

The CNP who did my procedure was SO excited both about my sono results from Saturday and A's wash results. She even said she didn't think I needed a blood draw on 7dpIUI to check my estrogen since it's always been good! She gave me a hug as we left (which was totally ok because I'm a hugger) and said I'll talk to you in 2 weeks.

Beta is scheduled for December 9th. Let the waiting begin.

Trigger Tonight

I finally get to trigger tonight! I'm a little nervous about it though, although DR. RE doesn't seem to think I should be. I have 7 total follicles over 15, but only 2 are over 18 and only one was at 20 as of my USthis morning. I've always thought it would be great to have twins, ever since I was a little girl I'm nervous about more than that though. The doc doesn't think that any of the follicles but the 18 and the 20 will release when I trigger tonight, so keep your fingers crossed for me. IUI's are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday Morning, beta on the 10th. Just in time for me to know when we get together with my Dad's family on the 12th!!!

Still holding...

Had my US and Bloodwork this morning. My follicles are growing nicely. There are now 4 that are 13 or bigger, 3 on the left side (which should THE side this cycle). Bad news though, my E2 levels dropped, and they're still under 100.

I realized I had NO idea what this level indicated so I wnt and did some research with Dr. Google. Here's what I found out:

Estradiol (E2) Cycle Day 3: 25-75 pg/ml Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Day 4-5 of meds: 100+ pg/ml or 2x Day 3 There are no charts showing E2 levels during stimulation since there is a wide variation depending on how many follicles are being produced and their size. Most doctors will consider any increase in E2 a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3.

Surge/hCG day: 200 + pg/ml The levels should be 200-600 per mature (18 mm) follicle. These levels are sometimes lower in overweight women.

So here I am at Day 5 of injections, and I'm only at 71. With 4 maturing follicles, according to this information, I should be closer to 1000! UGH! SO I'm doubling my injection dose for the next 2 days, and I have to go for another US and more blood on Saturday. Hopefully this will take care of it and I will get my IUI on Sunday and Monday or Monday and Tuesday.

Plus side is now A only has to miss 1 morning day of hunting at the most. That is a BIG relief and a huge weight of guilt off my shoulders.

Holding Pattern

I am currently in a holding pattern until an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow. Things have been really weird the last week, including AF showing in FULL glory last Friday, a full WEEK after my 2 days of light flow. They had me start the injections Saturday anyway, since another protocal they do does that med day 3-8. I went for my first US and blood work yesterday, and everything is progressing well. I had 2 follicles (16 and 13 mm) on my left side and a 13 on my right side. So we continue 2 more days of meds and go back in the morning. Fingers Crossed.

Unfortunatley, this puts us at probably having the IUI Friday& Saturday or Saturday & Sunday. This totally SUCKS for A because he is a deer hunter and this weekend in First Shotgun season in Illinois. He only gets 7 days a year to shotgun hunt (he bow hunts too, but hasn't had much, ok any, luck yet this year) 3 days in November and 4 in December. And the November is THIS Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. There's just no real way for us to make this happen and him go hunt in the am. (For those who don't know, deer hunting is best right at sunrise or the hour before sundown) The RE's office is an hour away, so he HAS to go with to make the "deposit"The time frame is too close in case of traffic or other issues to attempt to do it at home and me go myself. To make it worse, they only do the IUI's in the morning (7, 8, and 9). I feel really bad about it. I gave him a hard time about it a couple weeks ago when I realized that we were going to be close, but I didn't actually think we were going to hit THIS weekend. And now here we are, and I feel like a total @ss.

Why can't our bodies just cooperate???

And we are a go

We're a go for the next cycle. Dr. RE thinks this light cycle was just a fluke. Meds start tonight, injections over the weekend, ultrasound and blood work a week from today.

And....deep breath....exhale...relax

4 days of Craziness

Wow the last 4 days have been INSANE in my world of IF. Here's what's been happening

Friday: Mild cramping, BFN HPT, pretty sure AF will arrive over the weekend. Call Dr. RE's office to find out what they want to do. I'm supposed to have a baseline US on CD 2 and then start meds that night. That might be Sunday, might be Monday, but getting a US appointment can be a pain since I live out of town and have it done locally. Do they want to schedule it for Monday? No if I don't start, they'll charge me for the cancellation if its not at least 2 hours in advance, and when you have the first appt of the morning that's impossible. Nurse says if I start call monday am and they'll try and get me in Monday afternoon somewhere. Calls in prescription, says to start on CD 2 if I start on Saturday.

Saturday: AF shows mid-day, but really light. No usual symptoms, no cramping, no heavy flow..strange.

Sunday: Same as Saturday, very light AF. Take first of 5 doses of meds.

Monday: AF GONE! after 2 days??? Very Strange. Call Dr. RE's office have baseline US scheduled for 1:30 at hospital. Go in, tech is of no help, offers NO information, won't even let me see screen (grrr). Go back to work to wait for phone call. Fast forward to 6pm, still no call from Dr. RE's office. I call after hours line. Since US was at hospital and had to be sent, On-call nurse doesn't have access to it electronically and hasn't seen it. She's concerned that I might be pg...implanting late. Take HPT at home tonight, if negative take meds if comfortable, or wait for US results in morning. HPT is negative after 4 hours holding it. Skip meds anyway, I'm not Taking any chances.

Tuesday AM: Nurse calls, US shows lots of little follicles forming, thin lining. Could have been a fluke, but she still uneasy. Dr. RE calls to check in around noon, she'll check with him. Do nothing until she calls back. He may want to see me when he comes to town (1 hour away instead of 3) tomorrow.

UGH I am freaking a little here!!!