A realization

I had a really rough night last night. A and I are involved in a Disciple Bible Study at church (a 36 week in depth study of the bible, basically cover to cover). We're in week 10, and have gotten to 1 & 2 Kings. This week's lesson was all about the prophets, Elijah and Elisha mostly. Near the end of the night, we started our "how does this apply to today's life" discussion, and one of the questions was "Who has been a prophet in your life? Who has brought you a warning?"

I have a good friend (lets call her Hannah) who is a former worship leader and knows all the struggles we are going through. For the last year, she has been encouraging me to give this all over to God. And I've failed. I'm a control freak. I've convinced myself that I have control in this situation, and I don't want to give it up. I realized that Hannah is my prophet. If God was going to speak to me through anyone, it would be her. I respect her relationship with Christ, and at times I am a little envious of it. Part of the reason I joined this study was to help me develop a relationship with God that was more like hers. But even coming to the realization that I do believe it is God talking to me through her, I still can't give it up. We got in the car after group, and A turned to me and said: "I want you to think about something long and hard between now and next week. You keep talking about it at Disciple, but you never follow through. What's wrong with asking for prayer?"

You see, we share prayer requests (joys and concerns) each week at the end of class. His point was, if I want to give this over to God, and am struggling with that, then what better group of people to ask to help me with that...through their prayer. And the truth is, there is no good reason. Just all the stupid little petty selfish hormonal reasons that I keep kidding myself about. It boils down to one thing...

If I can't pray for myself, how can I ask others to pray for me?

This thought hit me so hard last night. On top of a whole other barrage of emotions that are probably 100% hormone imbalance related, I realized that I feel like I've failed as a Christian (among other things). I talk the talk really well, but I struggle to walk the walk. I know what I probably need to do, but I can't follow through. I'm so scared that I won't like the answer. We recently read about Hannah and how she prayed for years and years for God to bless her with a child, and finally her prayers were answered. But I can't bring myself to do that. It seems so selfish. It seems like I am am asking for MY will to be done not God's. Even though it's really what I want to pray for, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to talk to God about ME what I'm not ready to say "yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42)

And that is why I need to ask others for prayer

So here I am, taking that first step. Blog friends, if you are the praying type, will you please pray for me. Not that this cycle works, not that I get pregnant (although that couldn't hurt), but that I can let go. Please pray that I can find the strength and wisdom to know the difference between those things I have control over and the things I need to give to God. Pray that I can find peace through this whole process and can accept God's path for me, whatever it may be. Pray that I can find a way to talk to God about me.