Crying in Church

Let me preface this post by saying 2 things:

1. Although I am a VERY emotional person, I am a very PRIVATELY emotional person. I hate it when I lose it in public places, especially somewhere where I can't hide.

2. I run the sound for the praise band at our church and A sings and plays guitar in that band. We both play a VERY active role in the service each week, and really feel that the way we connect with God is through music. Oh, and I love listening to him sing.

Today started our Advent sermon series, which is titled "Gifts", and today's sermon was about the gift of Hope Christ offers to us even in our darkest hours. As part of the worship team, we knew ahead of time the theme for the series and each week. As such, one of the songs the band director picked this week was "From the Inside out" by Hillsong and it just happens to be one of my and A's favorites, and one he sings lead on.

There have only been a couple of times when I have truly felt touched by the Holy Spirit...like God was talking directly to me. The first was the first time A ever sang with the band. It was a Maundy Thursday service (and the first I had ever been too) and one of the songs was "Above All" The idea that one man could...and would...give his life so I could live eternal life in heaven was so profound to me that night, I couldn't help myself, I had the big old crocodile tears right there in the pew.

The second was a little over a year ago, at a Chris Tomlin worship concert. He has a version of "Amazing Grace" that is just beautiful. When we were at this concert (with that friend who has been telling me to give this all to God no less) I had just hit the first point of desperation. We were having no luck getting pregnant, didn't know why at this point, and still had 3 months or so before my doctor would even see me because it hadn't been a year yet. After the message, Chris went right into Amazing Grace. He hit that first chorus, and the emotions just over took me. I realized that if I could just give it to him, my chains would be gone.

Fast forward to today, and once again A is singing, and this time its "From the Inside out" by Hillsong. The lyrics in the chorus are
"My heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord
My soul cries out"

With the conversation we had on Tuesday and all the reflecting I've been doing this week, it just really hit me hard today. And there I was sitting in front of the sound board, fighting off the urge to just ball like I did Tuesday night. There was no fighting the crocodile tears, but I at least kept the sobs at bay...until the message. If I could just give control over to God he would give me Hope. His light will shine when I feel all hope is lost. All I have to do is ask Him to tear open the heavens and pour it out upon me. Today I prayed these lyrics over and over, and until I truly feel that I have accomplished it, I will continue to pray:

My heart and my soul,
Lord I give You control.
Consume me from the inside out Lord
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord
My soul cries out