well what do we have here?

Hopefully this will work. The post I tried earlier from my blackberry did not come through, but hopefully this and the picture will. If not, we are on our way home and I will post it when we get there.
Anyway, on to the news you are all waiting for. We have...

1 heartbeat!!! Dr. RE did not even have to tell us! A and I saw it fluttering away and both busted out into tears! We are beyond excited! More to come later.

US day

OK so this is what I tried to post at 10 am this morning....my e-mail posting didn't work how I thought it would.

We're on our way to Dr. RE's office for the US. I don't know if my nausea right now is nerves or trying to read blogs on my blackberry while on the road. I'm excited, scared, anxious and a whole lot more. We brought a video camera with, so hopefully I'll have video of the heartbeat(s) to share later today.

(not so) Patiently Waiting

I know I've been absent, and the e-mails and questions about how I am have meant so much.  Sorry about that.  The truth is I've had a tough week.  We are t-minus 45 hours to Ultrasound, and I am so anxious!  I had a minor major meltdown on Tuesday.  I couldn't help but feel totally and completely scared that something isn't right with my little bean(s).  I'm 6 weeks now, and I'm still really nervous.  My symptoms had really tapered off.  The nausea was pretty much gone, the cramping had all but disappeared, in fact the only symptoms I was having was the sore girls and the bloating every day. Now this morning it all came back full force.  I had major cramping around 6 am.  If it weren't for the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed and wake the dogs, I probably would have gotten up and puked, but I really wanted to be able to go back to sleep once the cramping passed.  So I toughed it out and made it through.  I'm glad that some of the other symptoms that I know aren't also caused by the medications are back.  Its very reassuring.  Although I wish I knew if it is the morning sickness is causing the stomach cramps or the stomach cramps are causing the nausea.  They seem to come hand in hand. 

I'll try to be better about posting updates.  I'm hoping once we get past Monday my spirits will lift and I will stop feeling all these negative feelings.  Finally being pregnant after so many cycles of trying and failing and trying some more brings with it a whole slew of emotions I wasn't really prepared for.  I expected to feel relief and overwhelming happiness.  Instead I find myself even more anxious than I was during my 2ww post IVF.  Is everything OK?  Is there 1 or 2 in there?  Are they thriving or has something gone wrong?  It almost as if I'm expecting something to go wrong.  It just feels too good to be true, and experience has taught me that things that seem too good to be true probably are.  I know its totally stupid.  There's no reason to believe there's anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid.  *sigh* It sucks that infertility does this to us.  It sucks all the joy out of the first few weeks of pregnancy and replaces it with anxiety and doubt.  Lovely.

Chugging along...random thoughts

I'm just chugging along right now.  A and I have started measuring my belly at night just so we don't miss it if the swelling starts to get bad gradually over a couple of days.  My biggest concern right now is that the ohss will flare up really bad and catch me completely off guard.

I went back on the fiber supplement on Tuesday, and surprisingly I haven't had a cramping attack in 2 days (knock on wood).  I wonder if the constipation (which I had lost track of again) was causing the ohss cramping to be that much worse?

I'm not going to be able to keep this quiet at work for very long if I keep puking at 9 am.  I barely made it to the bathroom in time this morning.  And 3 women came in while I was at it! 

I turn 30 in 2 weeks!  It's amazing how insignificant that seems now.

Our Angel Baby's due date came and went on Tuesday without even a second thought from me.  I feel SO guilty about that.  I never want to forget that day, just like I never want to forget the struggles we've been through to get to this point.  I never want to be that women who slips back into the fertile mindset just because I got knocked up.  A will say I'm being silly that out angel baby was never really a baby and would have never been know if it wasn't for treatments, and I need to move forward, but this feels like the first step on a very slippery slope.

I am sleeping more soundly than I have in a VERY long time.  I wake up in the morning in the exact same position as when I laid down.  Some nights I have the "roll-over syndrome" where  you roll over thinking you haven't been asleep at all yet and realize its morning!  I feel most rested those mornings, yet I'm still contemplating crawling into bed at 9 every night...and yet I never do.

Speaking of which, it is now 10:30 and I have to be up at 6.  I really need to go to bed.  Night!

Hellooooo Morning Sickness and Defining Weeks

Guess who came for a visit this morning?  Good old make me pray to the porcelain goddess.  And first thing this morning BEFORE I had a chance to eat or drink anything.  Helllllooooo Dry heaves..BLECH.

OK now seriously, why don't we have Internet code names for things like Morning Sickness? I mean come on we have Aunt Flo and Baby Dance and all sorts for the infertility discussions, but none for the pregnancy ones?  Or am I just so new to this that I don't know them yet...HRMMM that is a possibility I guess.

Totally switching topics, I got an interesting call yesterday from my sister (who reads my blog) and she and my dad (who also reads) were totally confused as to how I could be 4 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I just had the transfer 2 weeks ago, how was that possible?  I realized that I have quite a few folks who read my blog that are not well versed with infertility and pregnancy, and this was actually confusing for me at first too.

The human gestation period is actually 40 weeks, not the 9 months commonly thought, and is commonly calculated from the first day of the Last Menstrual Period (LMP).  Most women area already considered 4 weeks pregnant (28 days from their LMP) when they find out that they are pregnant and only have 36 weeks to go (hence the 9 month idea).  The idea is that the egg is starting to develop on Day 1 of the LMP, so that is the official first day of pregnancy, if it happens.  All of this assumes that the woman has a "normal" 28 day cycle and ovulates on day 14.  Since we all know that "normal" is very rare, this is why calendar pregnancy duration and measured pregnancy duration (via ultrasound) can vary by up to a week.  For us, we KNOW conception occurred on July 29th (retrieval day), so I know exactly where I should be time wise.  Measuring ahead or behind will be an indication of how well the baby(ies) are developing.

Medical lecture over.  I hope you took notes, there will be a test next week :-)

I swear it's only 4 weeks

OK Seriously, this is going to get old REAL quick.  I am wearing a button down shirt today that I also happened to wear to church on Sunday.  On Sunday, it was a little tight across the chest, but not so bad otherwise.  Today, I'm straining EVERY button as it poorly attempts to cover my swollen belly.  I seriously look like I'm already 12 weeks pregnant here people.  I mean I anticipated going through the "I feel fat not pregnant" phase, but I didn't expect it to start at 4 and a half weeks!  At least the fact that its getting worse is an indication that the little bean(s) a sticking good; pregnancy causes OHSS symptoms to be worse.

Good news is my progesterone is way up...155!  I'm still on the Promet.rium suppositories, but I do consider myself lucky that I avoided the PIO shots so many others have had to suffer through.  Still no morning sickness.  Some bouts of nausea, mostly when I'm over hungry or having a OHSS cramp attack, but I haven't actually gotten sick yet.  Definitely have the fatigue, I'm pooping out around 9pm lately, and I used to be a total night owl. 

For those of you who follow and aren't pregnant yet, I totally understand if you want to stop following me.  I'm going to try really hard to not make every post about the pregnancy, but the truth is, everything in my life right now is about this (these) baby (babies).  I'm still not quite really believing it yet.  Its just been so long of be infertile...so my negatives...and the only positive ending so badly.  I hope once we see a heartbeat on the 30th I will really start to relax and enjoy this.  Crappy bloating and all :-)

2nd beta

Came back today at 209!!! It hasn't really sunk in yet I don't think. Probably because how I feel from hour to hour varies so much. I've had meeting all evening and I ran to T@rget to try and find a belly band (which they didn't have in my size booo), and I totally over did it. I'm so pooped and hurting right now I can't even drag my butt to the shower (even though I know I will feel better after).

The good news is our first US is scheduled for August 30th...only 2 Weeks from today!  I can't  believe it will be that soon.  maybe it will sink in by then.

The wonderful world of OHSS

I am still a little in shock and not really believing that I'm pregnant.  Hopefully after today's numbers come back it will sink in a little more.  I am however feeling quite cruddy, thanks primarily to our lovely friend Ovarian Hyper Simulation Syndrome, OHSS.  It started Friday morning as we were waiting at the hospital for my first blood draw with MONSTER stomach cramps, all above my belly button.  A and I chalked it up to minor dehydration as I realized I had only had 1 glass of water to drink since 4pm the previous day.  Then Saturday morning about an hour after I got up, the same thing.  And this time I knew I was plenty hydrated.  Sunday morning, they were so bad they woke me up from a dead sleep at 5:30am!  At this point I had resolved to ask the nurse about it when she called with my blood results on Monday.  Until the cramps started up again around 1:30 while we were having lunch...and so bad I could barely stay upright.  I called the after hours answering service right then and there.  Dr. RE called me back himself within 5 minutes (I LOVE that he does that) and I explained all the symptoms.  Here's the gist of how the conversation went

Dr. RE:Have you been excessively thirsty?  ME: Yes. 
Dr. RE:Are you feeling bloated? ME: Yes. 
Dr. RE:Is your upper abdomen firm to the touch? ME: Yes. 
Dr. RE:Sounds like OHSS.  ME: OK what do I do? 
Dr. RE:Take it easy, stay hydrated, and keep out of the heat.
ME: So you're saying I need to tough it up and be a big girl?
Dr. RE: *Laughs* Basically yes.
ME: And I don't need to be worried?
Dr. RE: not for now.  If your belly swells really bad, then call again, but for now its pretty normal with how high you E2 was at retrieval and how many follicles we got.

So I am on "Take it easy" orders.  Oh Yea FUN! (NOT!)

And here I wait for the phone cal with today's results....grrrr I hate waiting!

Got the Call..and made all my calls

And the Results are...




69.2!!!

We're shooting for a 150 or higher on Monday.

WOOOHOOO!!!

10dp5dt: Let the waiting begin

Blood is drawn...now we wait.  It will be anywhere between 10am and 5pm when I get the phone call from the doctors office.  Last time it was after 4, so I'm not holding my breath.  Also just to let you know so you're not checking every hour for results, I won't post here until this evening. (probably 6ish central)  I have several people who read the blog that I want to tell myself, and I won't post until I've talked to all of them.  I know, I know you're anxious too, but I made that mistake the first time (before I knew my family was reading the blog), and I don't want to do that again.

On the symptom front, I had violent diarrhea last night and as a result I had major stomach cramps this morning.  It was the worst thing I had ever experienced to date.  A thinks I was dehydrated since I only had one glass of water last night from 5 until bedtime, and this morning after my blood draw I downed a 16oz glass of OJ in less than 5 minutes without even thinking about it!  So I'm on a mission to drink as much as I can during the day today and hope I'm ok.  I do feel much better already.

9dp5dt: Impatient

UGH This week is going SO SLOOOOOW.  I have totally been bit by the impatience bug.  I have however resisted the tests in my cabinet...OK no so much resisted as realized the one is expired (stupid dollar store test) and I don't want to take the chance of a false result, and the digital I refuse to use until I know it will say "Pregnant".  That big old NOT just breaks my heart too much.  Plus, I need to be able to take pictures of it to tell people, 2 lines just doesn't mean anything to TOO many people.

Speaking of 2 lines...did you know I have never before seen them come up on a test?  Not once.  Not even when I miscarried.  That time I had my beta before I POAS, and after my beta I went and bought the digital 2 pack.  That other digital has been sitting in my bathroom cabinet for 8 months!  If I've resisted this long I can probably wait another 24 hours right?  24 hours isn't so bad right?  Its only the longest 24 hours of my life!

8dp5dt:: Called out

A called me out this afternoon.  I'm not feeling as normal as I keep saying I feel.  I'm having a lot of little things that HE thinks are all pregnancy signs, and I think are probably PMS symptoms.
Here's the list.

• Sore boobies (from the prometrium no doubt)
• mild cramping but in weird places...either lower or higher than normal either way up in my belly or way down near my bikini line.
• crazy thirst (I've drank more water in the last 2 days than I have in the last week
• peeing a lot (probably from all the extra water)
• Today some mild nausea set in before lunch (but I was starving! so its no big surprise, the 2 go hand in hand for me often)
• Heartburn like CRAZY (but we eat a lot of heartburn inducing foods)

I just don't know.   Part of me wants to be excited and optimistic, but part of me is cautious and guarded.

I had a crazy realization today.  I'm almost scared to BE pregnant.  Infertility and that big open blank white space are so familiar.  Tracking cycles, injecting myself, dates with Mr. Wandy, disappointing phone calls are what I'm used to.  Being pregnant is new and unknown and a little a lot scary.  I usually don't balk at change...but this is different.  I've wanted this for so long, and its such a real possibility right now, but I can't imagine this ever coming to an end.  Its weird feeling this way.  The next 48 hours hold a lot.  I CAN make it!

BTW, I called the vet, and he's not super worried about the seizures.  Its been a month since her last episode, and that's spaced far enough apart that medicating will be harder on her body than the seizures are.  Since she's just a foster and not ours, hes hesitant to medicate unless they get more frequent or more severe.  So for now we just watch her.  She's 24 hours seizure free and I am so relieved.  

7dp5dt: Feeling Normal

Well here we are 7dp5dt.  12dpo.  Three days till my Beta.  And I feel mostly normal.  No crazy symptoms, no major twinges, not much of anything.  And I've started all of my typical PMS symptoms..constipation is back, boobies are sore (but that's happened every time I've been on the Prometrium), and I'm totally short tempered and b!tchy (sorry A!)

I've had a couple of strange feelings in my gut.  Cramp like, but in the wrong places, and not as constant as cramps usually are, more sharp stabbing type, but not very strong.

Throw on top of all that there's a dollar store test and a CBE digital in the cabinet that are calling my name.  Kakunaa has the mantra that I must keep telling myself....I will NOT POAS...I will NOT POAS....Just 3 more days.

And while I was in the middle of typing this the foster dog had another seizure.  She had peed in her crate the past 2 days again, and now we know why.  We're suspecting 3 seizures in the last 24 hours, with 1 confirmed. I wish I knew what was causing this.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program

For a quick prayer request...

Eileen over at We got Hitched has had a really rough pregnancy with her twins.  She's probably spent 20 of the 34 weeks in the hospital, and is having her c-section today or tomorrow because her health is declining so quickly.  She really wanted to make it to 36 weeks, but the babies are looking awesome, and hopefully will only have to stay in the hospital until they gain enough weight.

We will return to our regular stuff later today when I have some time...7dp5td, and there's definitely some weird stuff going on.

4dp5dt: Dreams

Its been and interesting day.  Started out about 5:30 am with me waking up crying.  I don't remember a lot about the dream, but I do remember just being furious with someone who I felt was totally getting things that she didn't deserve that I did.  Yea I know totally unreasonable, but its a dream remember.  Anyway, it ended with this person being pregnant, and I was not only not not pregnant, but somehow knew that I never would be pregnant.  I don't have any idea who this woman was, but I was beyond angry about all of it.  And beyond devastated that she had all these things that I didn't, couldn't and wouldn't.

The morning continued with the dog going nuts at 6:30 am and waking up the whole house (there's 3 beagles in out house, only one is ours the other 2 are fosters).  It turns out that for the first time in 3 years there were bunnies in our yard and she saw them through the open bedroom window.  So much for sleeping in, once the fosters are awake and start barking I can't get back to sleep.

I went to the market and picked up 4 dozen ears of corn with the intention of coming home and cleaning them and getting them ready to put up for the winter, but by the time I got home I was worn out already so I dozed for a bit.  A got up around 11 (finally) and I laid on the couch until about 2 before I finally go motivated to work on the corn.  I got it done about 4:30, and A and I met my sister for dinner.  I didn't really do all that much today, but I'm pooped out.

The truth is I haven't been able to get that dream out of the back of my mind all day.  And I haven't told A about it yet.  I know he's going to be annoyed that I didn't, but I just didn't need to hear his rationalizations about it was just a dream and it didn't mean anything, I know all that.  It doesn't mean that I'm not going to wonder what the hell brought it on.  I had a similar experience the night before the transfer.  Again I don't remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing.  I mean really who cries in their sleep???  Its just weird.  And I don't need to give him one more thing to worry about me.  He's got enough going on trying to keep me from over doing it.  I'm not trying to be bad, I'm just trying to do the things I normally do.  The truth is its hard to remember to take it easy because I don't feel pregnant. I don't really feel anything weird.  I had some funny pains in my guy earlier today, but that could have been my intestines actually working again. (YEA!) 

OK I just realized it's way after 10, and its no wonder I'm tired.  It's past my bedtime.  Here's hoping for a later morning and a better day tomorrow.

3dp5dt: Finally some Relief!!!

***Warning***  This post may be a bit too TMI for some folks.
Its been a rough couple of days.  Ever since the retrieval, I've been...shall we say plugged up....Throw on top of that we weren't eating the greatest, pretty bad gas, and I was sore from the retrieval, transfer, and sitting around for 3 days doing nothing that I have been pretty miserably uncomfortable.  On top of all that, I am soooo tired the last couple days.  9:00 rolls around and I'm ready to crawl into bed.  And I've been having a hard time getting up in the mornings.  But today I finally got some relief!!!  I cannot tell you how much better I feel.
Now I'm going to go to bed and plan on enjoying my weekend of sleeping in and doing nothing but what I want.
***TMI over***

300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup

Today is the 300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup on Stirrup Queens  We are celebrating with cake, and although tonight I had ice cream (a strawberry shake in fact)  here's the cupCAKEs I would have liked to celebrate with

Yummy!  Chocolate with chocolate frosting and sprinkles!!!! My favorite!  The other challenge with this was to share what the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) Blogsphere means to you.  Truth be told, I don't think I could have made it through all the last 3 years without the online ALI community.  From the message boards to the blogs it is so comforting to know that there are other couples out there who are going through all the exact things we are.  Other couples that are feeling the same roller coaster of emotions that we are.  Infertility can be such an isolating experience.  Its so taboo, no one wants to talk about it.  Those who do want to ask don't know what to ask or how to ask, so they don't.  Out in the online community, we can talk about our challenges, our frustrations, our joys and our sorrows.  Slowly but surely we are bringing infertility our of the dark and into the light for the disease that it is.  For that, I am eternally grateful!

1dp5dt: :-(

Just got the call from the lab.  No freezer babies for us.  The other 3 never made it to full blast stage.

Now I'm worried. They said this is no reflection on the 2 that we put back.  Those 2 were the strongest.  But still I'm worried.  The odds are against us.  5 of 7 embryos died.  I know I have to be strong...but I'm scared.  All the what ifs are running around like crazy in my brain.

I did ask what the grade of our 1 blast was...2BB, so that's pretty good.  I just have to remain hopeful.

Baby on mind posted this video on her blog today...and although she posted it for a different wait, it really hit home for me.



I just have to keep the message of this song in my mind the next 10 days...I can make it, I can stay positive.

Crap

I didn't need this.  For better or for worse, we hadn't told my mother we were doing an IVF cycle.  She was less than supportive when we announced the pregnancy the first time around.  Sure she was happy for us but thought we were being stupid telling everyone so soon.  Oh and she was mad that I had told my father first...never mind the fact that I wanted to tell her in person, and I happened to see him the week before I saw her.

Anyway so about 2 hours hour ago, my phone rings, and surprisingly it's my mother...great...just what I need tonight.  Ok I'll tell her we took a long weekend and had a mini vacation, but thats it.  Its not lying outright, its just not telling her everything.  Lots of people keep their fertility treatments from their parents.  So I tell her where we went, and her first response is "Isn't that where your RE is?"  %^&$#*@  No turning back now..so I fess up.  And surprise surprise her response is "and why did you feel the need to hide this from your mother?"  Um that's why because you make it all about YOU.  Because I didn't want the stress of someone who wasn't 100% supportive around me?  Because you make comments like just because SIL is preggo with her second (which I was selfishly upset over because it was unexpected and shortly after we got our diagnosis ) doesn't mean I need to run out and get pregnant too.

I really need to not let her get to me.  Especially not right now.  So I won't.  I flat out told her I didn't tell her before because I didn't need the stress of her not being supportive.  And unless she could be supportive now, I didn't really want to talk to her.

I was a little more blunt than I would have otherwise been, but she caught me off guard.  I will not let my mother ruin this for me!

Transfer Day

Transfer was this morning and things went great.  Here are our beautiful little embryos!

 The one in the upper right is a full blast.  The one in the lower left is an early blast.  This picture was taken 2 hours before transfer.  When we went in for the transfer, the embryologist told us that they had expanded even more from the pictures.  The whole thing was just surreal! (It might have had to do with my valium induced state of relaxation)  I was so overcome with emotion, fueled by Dr. RE's excitement and optimism, I cried.



Of the other 5 that fertilized, 3 were in early blast stage and 2 were only 8 cell.  They're going to wait until tomorrow and see how they are before freezing, but we anticipate only the 3 blasts will be good enough. 

We drove home the 3 hours....or Rather A drove home and I slept most of the way, and now I'm chilling on the couch.  A is being really overprotective about this whole bed rest thing though.  I went to go restart the dryer and make sure the upstairs toilet wasn't still leaking, and I got ripped a new one!  I mean seriously!  I can handle walking to the Laundry room!  But NO..I'm allowed on the couch, toilet or the bed, that's it.  Stinker!!  Oh well I'll suck it up and be a good girl.