(not so) Patiently Waiting

I know I've been absent, and the e-mails and questions about how I am have meant so much.  Sorry about that.  The truth is I've had a tough week.  We are t-minus 45 hours to Ultrasound, and I am so anxious!  I had a minor major meltdown on Tuesday.  I couldn't help but feel totally and completely scared that something isn't right with my little bean(s).  I'm 6 weeks now, and I'm still really nervous.  My symptoms had really tapered off.  The nausea was pretty much gone, the cramping had all but disappeared, in fact the only symptoms I was having was the sore girls and the bloating every day. Now this morning it all came back full force.  I had major cramping around 6 am.  If it weren't for the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed and wake the dogs, I probably would have gotten up and puked, but I really wanted to be able to go back to sleep once the cramping passed.  So I toughed it out and made it through.  I'm glad that some of the other symptoms that I know aren't also caused by the medications are back.  Its very reassuring.  Although I wish I knew if it is the morning sickness is causing the stomach cramps or the stomach cramps are causing the nausea.  They seem to come hand in hand. 

I'll try to be better about posting updates.  I'm hoping once we get past Monday my spirits will lift and I will stop feeling all these negative feelings.  Finally being pregnant after so many cycles of trying and failing and trying some more brings with it a whole slew of emotions I wasn't really prepared for.  I expected to feel relief and overwhelming happiness.  Instead I find myself even more anxious than I was during my 2ww post IVF.  Is everything OK?  Is there 1 or 2 in there?  Are they thriving or has something gone wrong?  It almost as if I'm expecting something to go wrong.  It just feels too good to be true, and experience has taught me that things that seem too good to be true probably are.  I know its totally stupid.  There's no reason to believe there's anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid.  *sigh* It sucks that infertility does this to us.  It sucks all the joy out of the first few weeks of pregnancy and replaces it with anxiety and doubt.  Lovely.