Alive and all is well

I know it's been yet another 2 weeks since I posted.  Sorry about that.  Know that for the most part all is well.  Everyone is doing fine physically, I'm just having a roller coaster emotional time right now with the holidays and the anniversary of the miscarriage and family and all the other wonderful stuff that comes with this time of year.  I have a post about it all that has been brewing for about a month in my drafts, but its not done yet, and that's part of why I haven't posted.  I keep thinking I'll finish it up and post it so I don't post something else, and its just not where I want it yet.  Once I finally get it don't I think you'll understand.

A bullet list update since my last post.

• We drove 800 miles the weekend of December 10th - 12th to visit my mom and her husband.  That was an ....oh lets just say interesting....trip to say the least.  Time with mom was good, but her husband just doesn't get it.  We spent FAR too much much time in the car that weekend (30 hours total), and ended up driving back through the blizzard that hit the Midwest on the 12th.
• Work has been absolutely INSANE!  I am SO looking forward to taking the week between Christmas and New Year's off to work on finishing the office and prepping the nursery for painting.
• We are making great progress on finishing up the office.  All the painting is done, the trim is up, one desktop is all together, the other will be done tonight.  All we have left is to stain the desks (ok all A has left :-)) and put the legs on and then set it up!  I can't wait!  It will mean that I get my family room back!
• We spent Saturday with my Dad's family for a Christmas brunch and then the evening back at dad's house.  It was an awesome relaxing time and it was just perfect. 
• Yesterday I ended up having to transport a dog for the rescue group because the woman who was going to do it is VERY pregnant, and went into labor.  Unfortunately this put my total car time up to 9 hours for this weekend.  On top of last weekend and the work int he office, my back is SCREAMING at me today.
• We FINALLY decided on Nursery Furniture!!! YEA!!!  Now as soon as the paining is done we can order it.  There's a matching crib and changing table, I just have to find a dresser and a bookcase in a similar color, which shouldn't be too difficult since it's all natural colored.  With all the dark paint we're using, I wanted light furniture.
• I've decided I'm not going to divulge the theme of the nursery here until it's done, but just give you little teases as we work on it.  Those of you who know what it is, shhhhh no telling. 

That's all for now.  New pictures and a survey later in the week I promise!

Strange Dreams & 21(almost) weeks

So there has been an unexpected side effect to this pregnancy that has surfaced lately...very.strange.dreams.  Totally and completely bizarre situations and circumstances have been popping up about nightly.  Everything from last week's images of my husband being surrounded by mostly naked pin-up models which I became half conscious during the middle of and totally started a conversation with him that was following the path of the dream.  He had NO CLUE what I was babbling about!  To Sunday night's perfectly rational conversation with little man while he was still in my womb, (but I could hear his voice loud and clear...strangely he sounded just like A) about how I just need to not stress and everything will be OK. (This was the night after Paige lost her baby).  And then last night random scenes of someone hunting down and trying to shoot A and I and nearly succeeding except for the intervention of an old friend we haven't seen or heard from in about 3 years, who got shot instead.  I told you totally bizarre.  I kind of get where Sunday's came from, and the pin-up one could be because as we were channel surfing right before bed, we stopped on a show on the Travel channel that was all about bikini destinations, but the shooting one, NO CLUE.  Its just totally weird.  And they're just so VIVID, and I'm remembering most of everything that happened, which is even weirder for me.

Yesterday's Dr. appointment went pretty good.  Little man was moving around so much that the nurse had a hard time getting a reading on his heartbeat.  She found it just fine, but he was SO active he kept interfering with her counts.  We did finally get a 152 reading though, so right on with where we were 4 weeks ago.  My Blood pressure was 120/80, so still good.  Unfortunately, as I suspected, the weight conversation didn't go so well.  I've put on 4 pounds since my last appointment 212.4 according to the Dr.'s scale eek!), most of it in the last week.  Dr. O told me that if he could wave his magic wand, I would actually LOOSE 10-12 pounds before this baby is born!  I asked him what he realistically was expecting, and he said no more than another 10-12 gained.  The good news is he said the best thing I can do is find a place to swim since it's easy on the joints and I'll be extra buoyant right now :-)  That's awesome!  I love to swim, I swam in high school, and truth is I've been wanting to get back into it.  The bad news is that means I have to squeeze my bloated body into a swimsuit UGH!  So today I will be researching where are possibilities in town to go and swim.  I'm also trying out a prenatal yoga class starting next Monday.  And it looks like it will definitely be back on the low amylose diet for A and I.  That will probably start next week after we get back from my mom's and clean out the groceries in the fridge right now.  My biggest struggle is going to be breakfast.  I'm really not an egg person on a regular basis, in fact, I've been on a BIG biscuit and gravy kick lately.  That's gonna have to stop.  In the summer I can do fruit and yogurt and be happy, but in the winter it's going to be tougher.  Throw that on top of having to get up a little earlier in order to eat breakfast at home instead of buying it a work (which I should be doing anyway I know) and its going to be a challenge.  I'll get there though, I have to.

OK enough rambling.  Here's the survey:
How far along: 20 weeks 6 days
Total weight gain/loss: (switching to the Dr.'s scale, I don't trust mine anymore) +7.4, 212.4
Maternity clothes: All maternity or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). Some regular shirts fit, but only on good show off my bump days :-)  I have GOT to get some leggings and maternity pants.  It is FAR to cold for skirts all the time!!!
Stretch marks: One new one on my belly, left side. The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY! I've started using Palmer's Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness, tightness, and itching away. Loving it!
Sleep: Much better.  I'm waking up around 3:30 or 4 every night, adjusting the pillow and then usually right back to sleep.  I probably should get up to pee, but I know if I do I won't go back to sleep as quickly, and then when the alarm goes off, I REALLY have to go, so it forces me to get up.
Movement: Lots and lots just in the last 2 days!  My little boiler is going strong :-D
Cravings: Nothing weird.  We've been eating at the Mexican restaurant a lot lately on my prompting, and I've been using more rosemary than usual in my cooking.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce.  Just the smell makes me nauseous, which is bad because A puts hot sauce on almost EVERYTHING!  Nothing else has been really bad.
Gender: Team BLUE!!!!
Symptoms: Nausea is tapering off to once or twice a week. Heartburn and Sciatica and in full force I keep a bottle of antacids in my purse, in my desk at work, in both bathrooms at home and in the family room!
What I miss: Deer Sticks :-(  A got his first dear this year a couple weeks ago and when it cam back from the processor there was 9 pounds of sticks, and I can't have any of it.  They're smoked, not cooked :-(
What I look forward to: Working on the nursery when I'm off the week between Christmas and New Year's
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: We chose a crib (I think) and got a LOT of work done on the office.  Carpets are cleaned, primer and first paint color are up.  We should have it all done by the end of next weekend, which will be a WEEK ahead of schedule!!!
Medical Concerns: um...just my weight really.  I'm so glad to have to really think of something to put here.
Weekly Wisdom: I learned the hard way over Thanksgiving that I'm not as sensitive to how much or little others want to hear about the pregnancy/baby stuff as I thought I was.  My advice based of that interaction, wait for questions and answer them concisely.  If people want more information they will ask for more.  Always respond to a question about baby stuff with a question about the other person's life/kids/work/whatever.  Finding the balance between keeping people informed and jeopardizing conversations is REALLY HARD.  I need to make a better effort.
Best moment this week: Feeling that first for real undeniable kick Sunday night.  Way too cool!

Well Shoot!

Here I go again letting 2 weeks pass without posting!  SORRY!!!!

Things have been pretty hectic on the real life front and pretty quiet on the Baby front since our scan 2 weeks ago.  I have my next general checkup this afternoon, and other than that I really only have one piece of baby news...

HE MOVES!!!!!!

That's right, I'm actually feeling for-real movement.  It started late Sunday evening with just 3 or 4 kicks in about 5 minutes, and then nothing.  Yesterday after dinner, there it was again.  And now today, it's been a non stop bubbling in my belly!  I absolutely LOVE it!  But it's also making it VERY hard to concentrate!

I have to admit, I've been really wondering what it was going to feel like, and I think I've come up with the perfect description.  Think about heating up a thick, creamy soup on the stove top (like broccoli cheese or something).  No imagine what it looks like as it comes to a slow boil and those bubbles rise to the top and join together and then just POP! come through the thick surface of the soup.  That's what all these little kicks and punches feel like.  Soup bubbling in my gut.  And all of them are below my belly button (no real surprise since my uterus isn't really any higher than that yet.)  I've been trying to count, but I keep getting distracted and losing track. 

In other news I have a feeling the doctor is  not going tobe happy with me today.  If the scale at home is correct, I've gained nearly 5 pounds in the last week since coming off the met.  YIKES!  Guess we now know why I haven't been putting on much weight.  My 15-20 pound max gain seemed so attainable until this morning :-(  Hopefully we can get things back in check, but it looks like I'll be going back on the low amylose diet.  I've really been enjoying my potatoes too. *pout*  Oh well, all for my little man.

Finally, if you're the praying type, please add Paige to your prayers.  She was due the same week as I am and lost her baby this weekend due to a ruptured amniotic sack.  I have to admit it scared the &$(% out of me to read that this weekend, and I can only imagine what she is going through right now.  I know how devastated I was to lose a baby at just 6 weeks, I can't imagine going 20 and then having this happen.  She's understandably having a really rough time right now and has totally lost her faith in G*d, and could really use some extra prayers.

I'll update with stats and a survey after my Dr appt.

Anatomical Scan

EEEKKK! I can't believe this day is finally here!  We had our 20 week US today a little early so we'd have pictures to share with family at Thanksgiving, and the verdict is....

The family tradition will continue!  Little Baby S is a BOY!!! He will hereafter be referred to as little man or Baby B.

I am beyond excited!  I really wanted a boy, and not just for A's family tradition stuff (which I'll explain in a minute), but also because it's what I've always wanted.  Ever since I was a young girl dreaming about my own family, I've always wanted sons.  Don't know if its because I grew up in a house with 2 other women and only one man or what, but that's what I've always dreamed of.  I have to admit, I was really afraid of what my reaction would be if it was a girl.  And I think that's part of why I wanted to find out so bad.  I've read a lot about gender disappointment, and I wanted to be able to get through that BEFORE the baby got here if it was going to be an issue.  It's not, and I'm relieved, I think that I probably would have been ok either way, but this saves me from all the emotions that go with being disappointed, and then feeling bad that your disappointed, etc.  It's kind of like the vicious circle a lot of infertiles go through when a friend gets pregnant.  We want to be happy for them, but at the same time we're upset that it happened to them and not us.  Then we're upset at ourselves for not just being happy for them..and around and around it goes.

So anyway, A's family tradition.  For 6 generations (he's the 6th) the firstborn of the first born son has been a son. A, his father his grandfather, his great grandfather, and the 2 before that were all the first born. The very first of these (A greats grandfather) middle name was his mother's maiden name, and all the firstborn sons since have had that same middle name. So naturally his whole family, well at least his dad's whole family, was convinced it HAD to be a boy, and the tradition would continue. I'm really glad it will, and thankfully I really like the middle name, it will fit with out preferred first name.

And now for your viewing pleasure, here's some pics of our boy.  I videoed the whole sonogram, but I can't upload it until later, so that will go up tonight probably.  Assuming I have time between baking an apple pie, packing to head to dad's for 3 days, and getting a foster ready to be adopted that is!  What a day!

Full Profilelegs turned away

Face Profile and legs turned away

Facing us and waving 



18 weeks

Wow that just seem unreal.  18 weeks, I'm really here.  I've actually had a really crappy week.  I've been feeling cruddy since Friday night, and discovered I have the beginnings of a nice fun sinus infection.  My General Practitioner gave me a prescription for an antibiotic hoping to fend off a more severe infection, and my chiropractor recommended a technique to help break the crap up.  I'm definitely going to give it a try tonight, in fact as soon as I'm done with this I'm headed up to try it and go to bed.  Here's the survey.
The survey:
How far along: 18 weeks 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: -0.5 from pre IVF
Maternity clothes:  All maternity pants or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). Some regular shirts fit, but only on good show off my bump days :-)
Stretch marks: One new one on my belly, left side.  The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY!  I've started using Palmers Cocoa Butter lotion for stretch marks, and it is taking most of the redness away.  Loving it!
Sleep: Sucks.  Mostly because I've been coughing.  Its tough to get healthy when you can't sleep.
Movement: Just some flutters.  I really can't wait for that to start for real!
Cravings: None really, broccoli cheese soup twice this week, but I think that because I've been sick.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce.  Anything really greasy doesn't sit well. Sometimes cooked fryer oil sets me off.
Gender: We'll find out in 1 week!!!! Can't wait.
Symptoms: Nausea is tapering off to once or twice a week.  Sciatica is in full force (thank GOD for chiropractors).  Tired a lot.
What I miss:  Not eating tums for dinner. Heartburn has been really bad!
What I look forward to: Feeling real movement
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: umm..oh discussing cribs and names
Medical Concerns: the sinus infection of course, and I'm still getting headaches, although these are sinus related I'm sure.
Weekly Wisdom: I'm going to repeat the little green brain wisdom.  It's saved my butt twice this week.
Best moment this week: Being reminded how awesome my hubby is.  Even though he doesn't like doctors and medicine, he was adamant that I go to the doctor ASAP when I started coughing up pretty colors.  I normally would have just toughed it out, but he insisted, and now I'm glad he did.

Week 17 update

I realized it's been forever since I did a survey, and we had an check-up at 17 weeks, so here's the update :-)

DR appoint Stats:

• My BP 132/76 Weird because it's high on the upper number and low on the lower number.  I usually sit at around the low 120's/mid 80's.  Doc isn't worried as long as it stays below 160/100
• Heartbeat is 150, right in the middle of normal.  I totally get it now why some women buy an at home dopplar, I'm in LOVE with hearing that heartbeat.
• Weight (by docs scale) 206.2 but I'm at the doctor at different times, wearing different clothes, and after eating, so I'm tracking weight gain by my home scale always measured first thing in the morning in my birthday suit :-)
• Measuring right on target according to my doctor's abdominal exam

The survey:
How far along: 17 weeks 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: I'm still down about a pound from Pre IVF!!
Maternity clothes:  All maternity pants or stretchy knit skirts (I LOVE my Old Navy roll top skirts!). Some regular shirts fit, but only on good show off my bump days :-)
Stretch marks: One new one on my belly, left side.  The ones on my hips from puberty are ANGRY!
Sleep: Sucks.  I'm lucky if I sleep through the night, mainly because I can't get comfortable.  I've been careful about not drinking too much within 2 hours of bedtime so my bladder isn't waking me up which is good.  I got a Shepard's hook pregnancy pillow, and it seems to be helping, so we'll see if it get better.
Movement: Just some flutters.  I really can't wait for that to start for real!
Cravings: None really, although I have had biscuits and gravy for breakfast every morning for 2 weeks.
Aversions: Still having issues with hot sauce.  Anything really greasy doesn't sit well. Sometimes cooked fryer oil sets me off.
Gender: We'll find out in 2 weeks!!!!
Symptoms: Nausea is tapering off to once or twice a week.  Sciatica is in full force (thank GOD for chiropractors).  Tired a lot.
What I miss:  Beer with my football, I didn't get any octoberfest this season :-(
What I look forward to: Feeling real movement
Moods: Up, down left, right, in, out....depends on the minute
Milestones: Passed my first Glucose test!
Medical Concerns: Nothing major, some headaches cropping up, seems to be directly tied to my ability to stay (or not stay) out of the Halloween candy.
Weekly Wisdom: Keep a "little green brain" with you at all times! And a pocket calendar if you don't use your phone for that. I have a little green notebook that I keep in my purse so I can write down important stuff...like when food day is at work or what I'm supposed to bring for a meeting.  I am SO bad at remembering things anyway, pregnancy brain has made it near impossible.  I would never get anything right if it wasn't for my little green brain and my droid calendar!
Best moment this week: Hearing that heartbeat again.  I can't get enough of it.  It makes me smile every time.  I think I'll record it on my phone next time, just so I can listen to it whenever :-)

Holy Cow! Twice in one week! (now with Pictures)

I know its crazy, but I'm actually posting twice in the same week!  I'm sitting here watching the football game and really procrastinating putting away all the inside Halloween decorations, so what do I have better to do but blog?  :-)


I pulled a ton of pictures off the camera and moved everything from my computer to our external hard drive, but realized that I have over 300 pictures that need to be sorted and organized!! I couldn't believe how much we had been slacking on getting all this done!  So this is my big project for this week, sorting all these pictures.  But in the mean time, here's the pics I promised.

Pre Pregnancy

8 Weeks (on my birthday, an awful cell phone picture, and OMG was I BLOATED)

12 weeks

















16 weeks (wow I need a haircut!)



















I hosted a Thirty One catalog party in in October, and my order came in this week.  My SIL is a consultant, and I am just in LOVE with everything I have bought so far.  This time around I bought a new bag for work stuff, I've been bringing a lot more stuff back and forth to home lately, and I'm just sick of carrying it by hand.  And as we get into winter, I'm going to have to start wearing slip resistant shoes for walking through the parking lot, which means I'll be carrying my work shoes in.  All the more reason to have a big enough bag to carry it all in, keeps my hands free.  I also got several organizers to use with my crafting stuff, and I'm loving how much easier it is to find stuff!  As I use all of my new bags and purse, I think I'll do a little review of each on here.  SIL uses one as her diaper bag, and although I'm not fond of any of the current prints for that purpose, I'm hoping that I'll find one in the spring prints I like (out in February).  If your interested in looking at the catalog, checkout the site.  If you think you want to order, let me know and I'll get you hooked up with my SIL.

Other baby news, I'm on movement watch constantly right now.  I think I'm looking forward to that more than the anatomical scan right now.  Just that constant reminder that our little one is still in there and doing ok will do a lot to ease some of my worries I think.  I'm still doing really well in the weight gain area, only up 0.2 lbs since last week.  I'm trying to go back to my PCOS diet, slightly modified, as a way of keeping the dreaded Gestational Diabetes at bay.  I'm not back to avoiding ALL the blood sugar spiking foods, but I'm working really hard to keep it limited to one serving a day.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I missed baked potatoes!!! I also had banana for the first time in over a year and it was OH so good!  I got a pregnancy pillow last week...2nd hand but practically new, it's in the washer right now.  Hopefully that will help me sleep a little better.  Right now A is getting a little overwhelmed by all the pillows I have in the bed trying to get comfortable.  I think there was 5 on the bed this morning, all for me :-)

I did it again :-(

Seriously, how is it that nearly 2 weeks have passed since I posted last?  It really doesn't seem like that long!

Things have been absolutely nuts for me lately.  It's the whole Halloween thing.  A and I are HUGE Halloween nuts.  We volunteered for 11 years at a local Haunted House before it closed after the 2007 season.  In the 3 years since we've built a mini haunt in our yard.  Here's a video of this year's haunt. I didn't help with the build as much this year as in years past obviously, but I did get to play a crazy escaped mental patient with my psycho baby doll.  I LOVED it.

In baby news, I had my glucose test last week.  It SUCKED!  My advice for anyone who has to go through it, if you don't have to fast DON'T.  I was so nauseous after drinking that orange crap I struggled to keep it down for the necessary hour.  When I got to work, I munched on crackers until about lunch, and then I finally felt like eating real food around 2pm, and my test was at 8am!!!   Won't have the results till my next appointment, but I'm guessing if it was really bad they would have called sooner.  Next appointment is next Tuesday, and we'll have the anatomy scan the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.  Oh and the chiropractor is helping SO much with the leg issues.  I still get the tingling every day, but the sharp stabbing and burning pain only comes infrequently now instead of every day.

I've started feeling more and more of the uterine flutters that are known to happen around this time, but nothing real from the baby yet.  I'm really looking forward to really starting to feel movement.  There's still a part of me that doesn't think this can be real, that this is all just a dream.  I don't know when it's going to all sink in, but I'm really looking forward to that.

Otherwise I'm feeling pretty good.  The nausea and heartburn have lessened quite a bit.  All in all I've been really lucky so far.  I've had it pretty easy and, knock on wood, that will continue. 

A has been giving me a lot of crap for not posting more regularly, and the truth is I feel really bad about it.  Thank you for sticking with me even if I am only posting once a week.  I actually started this post 3 days ago, and its taken me this long to finish it.  I'm setting a goal for myself to post at least once a week going forward.  Hopefully I'll be able to keep to that.  Oh and I do have some belly pics, I just have to get them off the camera and I'll post them.  By next week I promise!

A bullet list update

All right, all right, I'm a terrible awful no good very bad blogger.  Somehow the last 3 weeks came and went and I never got on and posted.  It may have something to do with the fact that I'm so crazy at work right now I have NO desire to be on the computer after work.  Or maybe its because I'm just being lazy, I don't know, what I do know is that if I don't post soon, I think A's going to start taking over my blog!!!

Here's what's been happening in the last 4 weeks since my last real post:

• I have had CRAZY stuff going on with my right leg.  Basically sciatic nerve issues that have been causing this tingling in the upper outside part of my thigh.  At first it only came in the evenings, but its gotten to the point where I have that itchy tingling feeling all day some days.  When it started waking me up at night (feeling like a hot poker was being shoved in my leg) screaming in pain, I decided to do something about it.  I had my first appointment with a chiropractor last Friday, and another adjustment Monday, and already I can tell its helping.  The night after the adjustment has been bad, but the others I don't wake up because of my leg...just other stuff.  Bad thing is he's making me give up my heels :-(  Good thing is I had an excuse to buy new shoes.  Now if I could only find flats I like.
• The nausea has finally tapered off, still all at night, but down to only 2 or 3 days a week now, when it hits though, its stronger than before. 
• Most of the OHSS symptoms are gone, although the one remaining one is that I'm showing WAY early!  In the last 2 weeks, I've had more people comments on my cute pregnant belly than I can believe.  Oh and I'm totally in Maternity or stretchy clothes right now.  I have just a couple regular shirts that work, but all my bottoms are new.
• I've started feeling the fluttering uterus spasms I've read so much about, that twitching feeling in your abdomen.  I know its not the baby I'm feeling, but it's still really cool.
• I started working on the pregnancy scrapbook, and am going to be working really hard to keep it up to date so I won't have a 1 year old and still not have it done.  That is my one fear, I see so many of my girlfriends who scrapbook are currently working on LAST YEAR's Halloween page.  I really don't want to get that far behind.  If I'm going to do this, I want to do it right.  The lucky break is I've joined a group of women at my church who get together once a month (at the end of the month) and spend 3 hours scrap booking or crafting or whatever.  I plan to use that time to keep up to date, hopefully.  We'll see how it goes.
• I had my latest Dr. appointment yesterday.  Everything looks good, and I had my first experience with the Dopplar.  The nurse struggled to find the HB, but the doctor came in and found it right away.  I wasn't expecting to get to hear the HB yesterday, so that was a really nice treat. 
• I'm still down 2 lbs from pre-IVF and 7 from retrieval, go figure!  I'm definitely not complaining about that, although it does worry me a bit that I hear some women gain as much as 15 lbs in the first trimester.  Granted I hope to only gain about 15-20 total.
• I have to have my glucose tolerance test next week.  Definitely not looking forward to that.
• I need to add 20-40 minutes of light to moderate exercise into my weekly routine.  I'm struggling to figure out what that will be.  I'm thinking that a prenatal yoga class is a definite, but the highly recommended studio in town only offers it once a week so I've got to find something else too.  I was a swimmer in high school, so I'm thinking a pool somewhere might be a good idea.
• We've decided not to do the NT scan.  My OB believes that, at least in this area, it causes more stress than it relieves because it is still so subjective and often times inconclusive.  He feels that at my age, chances are so low that although possible for us to have issues, since we wouldn't terminate anyway, is it really worth the stress?  I have a tendency to agree.  If we decide we really want to know, we'll discuss amnio down the road.

That's the quick and dirty.  I"m going to try really hard to post more, and post more about things other than the pregnancy.  We'll see how that goes :-)

Still alive

I'm still alive I promise. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been feeling really overwhelmed with everything lately; mostly a product of my own inability to say no to anyone. The good news is we made it to 12 weeks.

I can't believe it I'm actually almost out of the first trimester!!!! This is so unreal! I promise I'll get a big update up this weekend, but A has been giving me so much crap for not posting, I wanted to let you all know I'm ok.

US Appointment - and Welcome to ICLW!

For those of you visiting for the first time from ICLW, welcome, and thanks for visiting.  I will tell you right now that I am pregnant, if you didn't already figure that out by the ticker at the top of my page.  My Husband A and I are SO excited about it right now.  I just had my Second US appointment this morning, and I finally feel like I can relax and start to enjoy being pregnant.  Its amazing to me how much infertility made me feel like I couldn't really get attached to this pregnancy until now.  I totally understand if you are still struggling with IF, secondary IF, or just generally not being pregnant yet and don't want to stick around.  I've been there, I've resented some of my IF sisters who got preggers before me (there I said it.  I don't like to admit that I've been that petty, but I have, and I'm gonna guess we all have at some point or another.).  If you don't want to stick around to hear me gush about my pregnancy, I get it.  I'm trying to level out my posting to not always be about having a baby, but the truth is it's the main thing in my life right now.  I appreciate you stopping by, and I hope you'll find something useful in my ramblings.

No on to today's awesome news!  Everything look great with the baby!  We're measuring 1-2 days ahead at 9 weeks 6 days or 10 weeks depending on which measurement she looked at.  The baby's heartbeat was 174, and my blood pressure is 120/80.  Our official due date is April 20, right in line with my ticker above!  We also got some really cool pictures today, here are the 2 best:

I cannot begin to tell you how excited we are.  I really hope all of you who are still waiting get to feel this excitement REAL soon!

9 weeks

Wow I can't believe I'm at 9 weeks already!  It seems like the time is just FLYING!!  It also seems like I'm never going to be able to actually get these surveys done on time..oh well.  At least I'm getting them done :-)

How far along: 9 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: I'm down another 2 lbs from last week, Up 0.5 lbs from pre-treatment.  I blame it on the fact I can't eat near as much as I used too without feeling STUFFED!

Maternity clothes: Belly band and some shirts.  Mostly just stretchy skirts and a couple used to be too big pants.  I did but my first pair of maternity jeans this week, but I haven't worn them yet.

Stretch marks: Just some flaring around existing ones

Sleep: Turned to crap this week.  I keep getting this weird tingling in my right leg like it's falling asleep...and only when I lay down.  It's making falling asleep really hard.

Movement: Too soon for that.

Cravings: None really

Aversions: Anything with a strong odor...good or bad.  Hot sauce is constantly making me want to puke. 

Gender: We'll find out when we can.

Symptoms: Nausea about every day.  I've only puked a couple times thankfully.  Heartburn from about 2:30 pm on every day.  The nausea is really bad after dinner.

What I miss: Actually doing active things (like mowing the lawn)  I'm still on limited activity and limited lifting. Oh and Beer with my football!

What I look forward to: Ultrasound on Tuesday!!!  Seeing my little bean again, actually looking like a baby.

Moods: Still all over the place.  Poor A!

Milestones: none this week.

Medical Concerns: getting over the ohss and this crazy new stuff with my leg.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't have a conversation with someone who pushes your buttons when you're pregnant and having a bad day.

Best moment this week:  Being reminded how lucky I am have to have A...how he puts up with my insanity I don't know.

Worst moment this week: Having a big argument with my mom

Is it Friday yet?

Why is it that regular work weeks seem so long after a couple short weeks in a row? Throw on top that I'm working on a major project for our company's CEO at work, and its been crazy stressful and just all around insane this week. I did get some great compliments today from the 3 of 4 managers and above who are between me and the big wigs on the work we've put together for this (me and another coworker) so its was good to know our hard work and scrambling with last minute changes has paid off. I was just so frustrated today because I couldn't seem to convince people that as much as I wanted to talk about football, I just didn't have the time today! Oh well we got thru it! Tomorrow is a department picnic, so it should be a nice relaxing afternoon. Much needed after a week like this!

T-minus 4 days till the ultrasound! I can't wait!!!

Starting the surveys

I decided that at 8 weeks I would start tracking things using the ever popular pregnancy surveys, more for my own notes than anything.  I'm getting a scrapbook together that I'm going the start with 8 weeks and go all the way through labor.  I realistically know that I'm not going to work on it each week, so hopefully these surveys will help jog my memory for journaling.

How far along: 8 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: I've actually lost 2 lbs from IVF, Up 2.5 lbs from pre-treatment.

Maternity clothes: Belly band and some shirts.  Mostly just stretchy skirts and a couple used to be too big pants.

Stretch marks: Just some flaring around existing ones

Sleep: Actually better than I have in a long time.  As long as the dogs aren't up at 7 that is.

Movement: Too soon for that.

Cravings: None really

Aversions: Anything with a strong odor...good or bad.  Hot sauce is constantly making me want to puke.

Gender: We'll find out when we can.

Symptoms: Nausea about every day.  I've only puked a couple times thankfully.  Heartburn from about 2:30 pm on every day.

What I miss: Honestly, Sex.  Between the bloat and the other symptoms, even though we got the ok from the Doc, its just not happening.

What I look forward to: Ultrasound in 10 Days.  Seeing my little bean again, actually looking like a baby.

Moods: All over the place.  Poor A!

Milestones: none this week.

Medical Concerns: getting over the ohss.

Weekly Wisdom: Lots of small meals keep nausea and discomfort at bay

Best moment this week:  Just been status quo

Worst moment this week:  Status quo

Wow!

Wow.  That's all I can say.  Wow.  My favorite christian blogger, Jon Acuff, does a series called "Serious Wednesday" posts.  His blog is usually a comedic look at Christianity, but on Wednesdays he steps out of the comedy and gets a little serious.  Today's post really hit home for me, and I think it will for those of you who are christian and on this IF journey still.

In baby news, everything is status quo.  I'm working on a longer post about the US and waht's coming, but I just haven't had a lot of time.  This last and upcoming week are INSANE!

well what do we have here?

Hopefully this will work. The post I tried earlier from my blackberry did not come through, but hopefully this and the picture will. If not, we are on our way home and I will post it when we get there.
Anyway, on to the news you are all waiting for. We have...

1 heartbeat!!! Dr. RE did not even have to tell us! A and I saw it fluttering away and both busted out into tears! We are beyond excited! More to come later.

US day

OK so this is what I tried to post at 10 am this morning....my e-mail posting didn't work how I thought it would.

We're on our way to Dr. RE's office for the US. I don't know if my nausea right now is nerves or trying to read blogs on my blackberry while on the road. I'm excited, scared, anxious and a whole lot more. We brought a video camera with, so hopefully I'll have video of the heartbeat(s) to share later today.

(not so) Patiently Waiting

I know I've been absent, and the e-mails and questions about how I am have meant so much.  Sorry about that.  The truth is I've had a tough week.  We are t-minus 45 hours to Ultrasound, and I am so anxious!  I had a minor major meltdown on Tuesday.  I couldn't help but feel totally and completely scared that something isn't right with my little bean(s).  I'm 6 weeks now, and I'm still really nervous.  My symptoms had really tapered off.  The nausea was pretty much gone, the cramping had all but disappeared, in fact the only symptoms I was having was the sore girls and the bloating every day. Now this morning it all came back full force.  I had major cramping around 6 am.  If it weren't for the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed and wake the dogs, I probably would have gotten up and puked, but I really wanted to be able to go back to sleep once the cramping passed.  So I toughed it out and made it through.  I'm glad that some of the other symptoms that I know aren't also caused by the medications are back.  Its very reassuring.  Although I wish I knew if it is the morning sickness is causing the stomach cramps or the stomach cramps are causing the nausea.  They seem to come hand in hand. 

I'll try to be better about posting updates.  I'm hoping once we get past Monday my spirits will lift and I will stop feeling all these negative feelings.  Finally being pregnant after so many cycles of trying and failing and trying some more brings with it a whole slew of emotions I wasn't really prepared for.  I expected to feel relief and overwhelming happiness.  Instead I find myself even more anxious than I was during my 2ww post IVF.  Is everything OK?  Is there 1 or 2 in there?  Are they thriving or has something gone wrong?  It almost as if I'm expecting something to go wrong.  It just feels too good to be true, and experience has taught me that things that seem too good to be true probably are.  I know its totally stupid.  There's no reason to believe there's anything wrong, but I'm still paranoid.  *sigh* It sucks that infertility does this to us.  It sucks all the joy out of the first few weeks of pregnancy and replaces it with anxiety and doubt.  Lovely.

Chugging along...random thoughts

I'm just chugging along right now.  A and I have started measuring my belly at night just so we don't miss it if the swelling starts to get bad gradually over a couple of days.  My biggest concern right now is that the ohss will flare up really bad and catch me completely off guard.

I went back on the fiber supplement on Tuesday, and surprisingly I haven't had a cramping attack in 2 days (knock on wood).  I wonder if the constipation (which I had lost track of again) was causing the ohss cramping to be that much worse?

I'm not going to be able to keep this quiet at work for very long if I keep puking at 9 am.  I barely made it to the bathroom in time this morning.  And 3 women came in while I was at it! 

I turn 30 in 2 weeks!  It's amazing how insignificant that seems now.

Our Angel Baby's due date came and went on Tuesday without even a second thought from me.  I feel SO guilty about that.  I never want to forget that day, just like I never want to forget the struggles we've been through to get to this point.  I never want to be that women who slips back into the fertile mindset just because I got knocked up.  A will say I'm being silly that out angel baby was never really a baby and would have never been know if it wasn't for treatments, and I need to move forward, but this feels like the first step on a very slippery slope.

I am sleeping more soundly than I have in a VERY long time.  I wake up in the morning in the exact same position as when I laid down.  Some nights I have the "roll-over syndrome" where  you roll over thinking you haven't been asleep at all yet and realize its morning!  I feel most rested those mornings, yet I'm still contemplating crawling into bed at 9 every night...and yet I never do.

Speaking of which, it is now 10:30 and I have to be up at 6.  I really need to go to bed.  Night!

Hellooooo Morning Sickness and Defining Weeks

Guess who came for a visit this morning?  Good old make me pray to the porcelain goddess.  And first thing this morning BEFORE I had a chance to eat or drink anything.  Helllllooooo Dry heaves..BLECH.

OK now seriously, why don't we have Internet code names for things like Morning Sickness? I mean come on we have Aunt Flo and Baby Dance and all sorts for the infertility discussions, but none for the pregnancy ones?  Or am I just so new to this that I don't know them yet...HRMMM that is a possibility I guess.

Totally switching topics, I got an interesting call yesterday from my sister (who reads my blog) and she and my dad (who also reads) were totally confused as to how I could be 4 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I just had the transfer 2 weeks ago, how was that possible?  I realized that I have quite a few folks who read my blog that are not well versed with infertility and pregnancy, and this was actually confusing for me at first too.

The human gestation period is actually 40 weeks, not the 9 months commonly thought, and is commonly calculated from the first day of the Last Menstrual Period (LMP).  Most women area already considered 4 weeks pregnant (28 days from their LMP) when they find out that they are pregnant and only have 36 weeks to go (hence the 9 month idea).  The idea is that the egg is starting to develop on Day 1 of the LMP, so that is the official first day of pregnancy, if it happens.  All of this assumes that the woman has a "normal" 28 day cycle and ovulates on day 14.  Since we all know that "normal" is very rare, this is why calendar pregnancy duration and measured pregnancy duration (via ultrasound) can vary by up to a week.  For us, we KNOW conception occurred on July 29th (retrieval day), so I know exactly where I should be time wise.  Measuring ahead or behind will be an indication of how well the baby(ies) are developing.

Medical lecture over.  I hope you took notes, there will be a test next week :-)

I swear it's only 4 weeks

OK Seriously, this is going to get old REAL quick.  I am wearing a button down shirt today that I also happened to wear to church on Sunday.  On Sunday, it was a little tight across the chest, but not so bad otherwise.  Today, I'm straining EVERY button as it poorly attempts to cover my swollen belly.  I seriously look like I'm already 12 weeks pregnant here people.  I mean I anticipated going through the "I feel fat not pregnant" phase, but I didn't expect it to start at 4 and a half weeks!  At least the fact that its getting worse is an indication that the little bean(s) a sticking good; pregnancy causes OHSS symptoms to be worse.

Good news is my progesterone is way up...155!  I'm still on the Promet.rium suppositories, but I do consider myself lucky that I avoided the PIO shots so many others have had to suffer through.  Still no morning sickness.  Some bouts of nausea, mostly when I'm over hungry or having a OHSS cramp attack, but I haven't actually gotten sick yet.  Definitely have the fatigue, I'm pooping out around 9pm lately, and I used to be a total night owl. 

For those of you who follow and aren't pregnant yet, I totally understand if you want to stop following me.  I'm going to try really hard to not make every post about the pregnancy, but the truth is, everything in my life right now is about this (these) baby (babies).  I'm still not quite really believing it yet.  Its just been so long of be infertile...so my negatives...and the only positive ending so badly.  I hope once we see a heartbeat on the 30th I will really start to relax and enjoy this.  Crappy bloating and all :-)

2nd beta

Came back today at 209!!! It hasn't really sunk in yet I don't think. Probably because how I feel from hour to hour varies so much. I've had meeting all evening and I ran to T@rget to try and find a belly band (which they didn't have in my size booo), and I totally over did it. I'm so pooped and hurting right now I can't even drag my butt to the shower (even though I know I will feel better after).

The good news is our first US is scheduled for August 30th...only 2 Weeks from today!  I can't  believe it will be that soon.  maybe it will sink in by then.

The wonderful world of OHSS

I am still a little in shock and not really believing that I'm pregnant.  Hopefully after today's numbers come back it will sink in a little more.  I am however feeling quite cruddy, thanks primarily to our lovely friend Ovarian Hyper Simulation Syndrome, OHSS.  It started Friday morning as we were waiting at the hospital for my first blood draw with MONSTER stomach cramps, all above my belly button.  A and I chalked it up to minor dehydration as I realized I had only had 1 glass of water to drink since 4pm the previous day.  Then Saturday morning about an hour after I got up, the same thing.  And this time I knew I was plenty hydrated.  Sunday morning, they were so bad they woke me up from a dead sleep at 5:30am!  At this point I had resolved to ask the nurse about it when she called with my blood results on Monday.  Until the cramps started up again around 1:30 while we were having lunch...and so bad I could barely stay upright.  I called the after hours answering service right then and there.  Dr. RE called me back himself within 5 minutes (I LOVE that he does that) and I explained all the symptoms.  Here's the gist of how the conversation went

Dr. RE:Have you been excessively thirsty?  ME: Yes. 
Dr. RE:Are you feeling bloated? ME: Yes. 
Dr. RE:Is your upper abdomen firm to the touch? ME: Yes. 
Dr. RE:Sounds like OHSS.  ME: OK what do I do? 
Dr. RE:Take it easy, stay hydrated, and keep out of the heat.
ME: So you're saying I need to tough it up and be a big girl?
Dr. RE: *Laughs* Basically yes.
ME: And I don't need to be worried?
Dr. RE: not for now.  If your belly swells really bad, then call again, but for now its pretty normal with how high you E2 was at retrieval and how many follicles we got.

So I am on "Take it easy" orders.  Oh Yea FUN! (NOT!)

And here I wait for the phone cal with today's results....grrrr I hate waiting!

Got the Call..and made all my calls

And the Results are...




69.2!!!

We're shooting for a 150 or higher on Monday.

WOOOHOOO!!!

10dp5dt: Let the waiting begin

Blood is drawn...now we wait.  It will be anywhere between 10am and 5pm when I get the phone call from the doctors office.  Last time it was after 4, so I'm not holding my breath.  Also just to let you know so you're not checking every hour for results, I won't post here until this evening. (probably 6ish central)  I have several people who read the blog that I want to tell myself, and I won't post until I've talked to all of them.  I know, I know you're anxious too, but I made that mistake the first time (before I knew my family was reading the blog), and I don't want to do that again.

On the symptom front, I had violent diarrhea last night and as a result I had major stomach cramps this morning.  It was the worst thing I had ever experienced to date.  A thinks I was dehydrated since I only had one glass of water last night from 5 until bedtime, and this morning after my blood draw I downed a 16oz glass of OJ in less than 5 minutes without even thinking about it!  So I'm on a mission to drink as much as I can during the day today and hope I'm ok.  I do feel much better already.

9dp5dt: Impatient

UGH This week is going SO SLOOOOOW.  I have totally been bit by the impatience bug.  I have however resisted the tests in my cabinet...OK no so much resisted as realized the one is expired (stupid dollar store test) and I don't want to take the chance of a false result, and the digital I refuse to use until I know it will say "Pregnant".  That big old NOT just breaks my heart too much.  Plus, I need to be able to take pictures of it to tell people, 2 lines just doesn't mean anything to TOO many people.

Speaking of 2 lines...did you know I have never before seen them come up on a test?  Not once.  Not even when I miscarried.  That time I had my beta before I POAS, and after my beta I went and bought the digital 2 pack.  That other digital has been sitting in my bathroom cabinet for 8 months!  If I've resisted this long I can probably wait another 24 hours right?  24 hours isn't so bad right?  Its only the longest 24 hours of my life!

8dp5dt:: Called out

A called me out this afternoon.  I'm not feeling as normal as I keep saying I feel.  I'm having a lot of little things that HE thinks are all pregnancy signs, and I think are probably PMS symptoms.
Here's the list.

• Sore boobies (from the prometrium no doubt)
• mild cramping but in weird places...either lower or higher than normal either way up in my belly or way down near my bikini line.
• crazy thirst (I've drank more water in the last 2 days than I have in the last week
• peeing a lot (probably from all the extra water)
• Today some mild nausea set in before lunch (but I was starving! so its no big surprise, the 2 go hand in hand for me often)
• Heartburn like CRAZY (but we eat a lot of heartburn inducing foods)

I just don't know.   Part of me wants to be excited and optimistic, but part of me is cautious and guarded.

I had a crazy realization today.  I'm almost scared to BE pregnant.  Infertility and that big open blank white space are so familiar.  Tracking cycles, injecting myself, dates with Mr. Wandy, disappointing phone calls are what I'm used to.  Being pregnant is new and unknown and a little a lot scary.  I usually don't balk at change...but this is different.  I've wanted this for so long, and its such a real possibility right now, but I can't imagine this ever coming to an end.  Its weird feeling this way.  The next 48 hours hold a lot.  I CAN make it!

BTW, I called the vet, and he's not super worried about the seizures.  Its been a month since her last episode, and that's spaced far enough apart that medicating will be harder on her body than the seizures are.  Since she's just a foster and not ours, hes hesitant to medicate unless they get more frequent or more severe.  So for now we just watch her.  She's 24 hours seizure free and I am so relieved.  

7dp5dt: Feeling Normal

Well here we are 7dp5dt.  12dpo.  Three days till my Beta.  And I feel mostly normal.  No crazy symptoms, no major twinges, not much of anything.  And I've started all of my typical PMS symptoms..constipation is back, boobies are sore (but that's happened every time I've been on the Prometrium), and I'm totally short tempered and b!tchy (sorry A!)

I've had a couple of strange feelings in my gut.  Cramp like, but in the wrong places, and not as constant as cramps usually are, more sharp stabbing type, but not very strong.

Throw on top of all that there's a dollar store test and a CBE digital in the cabinet that are calling my name.  Kakunaa has the mantra that I must keep telling myself....I will NOT POAS...I will NOT POAS....Just 3 more days.

And while I was in the middle of typing this the foster dog had another seizure.  She had peed in her crate the past 2 days again, and now we know why.  We're suspecting 3 seizures in the last 24 hours, with 1 confirmed. I wish I knew what was causing this.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program

For a quick prayer request...

Eileen over at We got Hitched has had a really rough pregnancy with her twins.  She's probably spent 20 of the 34 weeks in the hospital, and is having her c-section today or tomorrow because her health is declining so quickly.  She really wanted to make it to 36 weeks, but the babies are looking awesome, and hopefully will only have to stay in the hospital until they gain enough weight.

We will return to our regular stuff later today when I have some time...7dp5td, and there's definitely some weird stuff going on.

4dp5dt: Dreams

Its been and interesting day.  Started out about 5:30 am with me waking up crying.  I don't remember a lot about the dream, but I do remember just being furious with someone who I felt was totally getting things that she didn't deserve that I did.  Yea I know totally unreasonable, but its a dream remember.  Anyway, it ended with this person being pregnant, and I was not only not not pregnant, but somehow knew that I never would be pregnant.  I don't have any idea who this woman was, but I was beyond angry about all of it.  And beyond devastated that she had all these things that I didn't, couldn't and wouldn't.

The morning continued with the dog going nuts at 6:30 am and waking up the whole house (there's 3 beagles in out house, only one is ours the other 2 are fosters).  It turns out that for the first time in 3 years there were bunnies in our yard and she saw them through the open bedroom window.  So much for sleeping in, once the fosters are awake and start barking I can't get back to sleep.

I went to the market and picked up 4 dozen ears of corn with the intention of coming home and cleaning them and getting them ready to put up for the winter, but by the time I got home I was worn out already so I dozed for a bit.  A got up around 11 (finally) and I laid on the couch until about 2 before I finally go motivated to work on the corn.  I got it done about 4:30, and A and I met my sister for dinner.  I didn't really do all that much today, but I'm pooped out.

The truth is I haven't been able to get that dream out of the back of my mind all day.  And I haven't told A about it yet.  I know he's going to be annoyed that I didn't, but I just didn't need to hear his rationalizations about it was just a dream and it didn't mean anything, I know all that.  It doesn't mean that I'm not going to wonder what the hell brought it on.  I had a similar experience the night before the transfer.  Again I don't remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing.  I mean really who cries in their sleep???  Its just weird.  And I don't need to give him one more thing to worry about me.  He's got enough going on trying to keep me from over doing it.  I'm not trying to be bad, I'm just trying to do the things I normally do.  The truth is its hard to remember to take it easy because I don't feel pregnant. I don't really feel anything weird.  I had some funny pains in my guy earlier today, but that could have been my intestines actually working again. (YEA!) 

OK I just realized it's way after 10, and its no wonder I'm tired.  It's past my bedtime.  Here's hoping for a later morning and a better day tomorrow.

3dp5dt: Finally some Relief!!!

***Warning***  This post may be a bit too TMI for some folks.
Its been a rough couple of days.  Ever since the retrieval, I've been...shall we say plugged up....Throw on top of that we weren't eating the greatest, pretty bad gas, and I was sore from the retrieval, transfer, and sitting around for 3 days doing nothing that I have been pretty miserably uncomfortable.  On top of all that, I am soooo tired the last couple days.  9:00 rolls around and I'm ready to crawl into bed.  And I've been having a hard time getting up in the mornings.  But today I finally got some relief!!!  I cannot tell you how much better I feel.
Now I'm going to go to bed and plan on enjoying my weekend of sleeping in and doing nothing but what I want.
***TMI over***

300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup

Today is the 300th (200th) Friday Blog Roundup on Stirrup Queens  We are celebrating with cake, and although tonight I had ice cream (a strawberry shake in fact)  here's the cupCAKEs I would have liked to celebrate with

Yummy!  Chocolate with chocolate frosting and sprinkles!!!! My favorite!  The other challenge with this was to share what the ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) Blogsphere means to you.  Truth be told, I don't think I could have made it through all the last 3 years without the online ALI community.  From the message boards to the blogs it is so comforting to know that there are other couples out there who are going through all the exact things we are.  Other couples that are feeling the same roller coaster of emotions that we are.  Infertility can be such an isolating experience.  Its so taboo, no one wants to talk about it.  Those who do want to ask don't know what to ask or how to ask, so they don't.  Out in the online community, we can talk about our challenges, our frustrations, our joys and our sorrows.  Slowly but surely we are bringing infertility our of the dark and into the light for the disease that it is.  For that, I am eternally grateful!

1dp5dt: :-(

Just got the call from the lab.  No freezer babies for us.  The other 3 never made it to full blast stage.

Now I'm worried. They said this is no reflection on the 2 that we put back.  Those 2 were the strongest.  But still I'm worried.  The odds are against us.  5 of 7 embryos died.  I know I have to be strong...but I'm scared.  All the what ifs are running around like crazy in my brain.

I did ask what the grade of our 1 blast was...2BB, so that's pretty good.  I just have to remain hopeful.

Baby on mind posted this video on her blog today...and although she posted it for a different wait, it really hit home for me.



I just have to keep the message of this song in my mind the next 10 days...I can make it, I can stay positive.

Crap

I didn't need this.  For better or for worse, we hadn't told my mother we were doing an IVF cycle.  She was less than supportive when we announced the pregnancy the first time around.  Sure she was happy for us but thought we were being stupid telling everyone so soon.  Oh and she was mad that I had told my father first...never mind the fact that I wanted to tell her in person, and I happened to see him the week before I saw her.

Anyway so about 2 hours hour ago, my phone rings, and surprisingly it's my mother...great...just what I need tonight.  Ok I'll tell her we took a long weekend and had a mini vacation, but thats it.  Its not lying outright, its just not telling her everything.  Lots of people keep their fertility treatments from their parents.  So I tell her where we went, and her first response is "Isn't that where your RE is?"  %^&$#*@  No turning back now..so I fess up.  And surprise surprise her response is "and why did you feel the need to hide this from your mother?"  Um that's why because you make it all about YOU.  Because I didn't want the stress of someone who wasn't 100% supportive around me?  Because you make comments like just because SIL is preggo with her second (which I was selfishly upset over because it was unexpected and shortly after we got our diagnosis ) doesn't mean I need to run out and get pregnant too.

I really need to not let her get to me.  Especially not right now.  So I won't.  I flat out told her I didn't tell her before because I didn't need the stress of her not being supportive.  And unless she could be supportive now, I didn't really want to talk to her.

I was a little more blunt than I would have otherwise been, but she caught me off guard.  I will not let my mother ruin this for me!

Transfer Day

Transfer was this morning and things went great.  Here are our beautiful little embryos!

 The one in the upper right is a full blast.  The one in the lower left is an early blast.  This picture was taken 2 hours before transfer.  When we went in for the transfer, the embryologist told us that they had expanded even more from the pictures.  The whole thing was just surreal! (It might have had to do with my valium induced state of relaxation)  I was so overcome with emotion, fueled by Dr. RE's excitement and optimism, I cried.



Of the other 5 that fertilized, 3 were in early blast stage and 2 were only 8 cell.  They're going to wait until tomorrow and see how they are before freezing, but we anticipate only the 3 blasts will be good enough. 

We drove home the 3 hours....or Rather A drove home and I slept most of the way, and now I'm chilling on the couch.  A is being really overprotective about this whole bed rest thing though.  I went to go restart the dryer and make sure the upstairs toilet wasn't still leaking, and I got ripped a new one!  I mean seriously!  I can handle walking to the Laundry room!  But NO..I'm allowed on the couch, toilet or the bed, that's it.  Stinker!!  Oh well I'll suck it up and be a good girl.

10 things I learned while stimming for IVF

I've been really trying to get my self in a calm state of mind (definitely easier said than done let me tell you) but it's meant a lot of thinking.  Through all that thinking, I've come up with this list of 10 things I've learned over the last month or so.  I thought I would share it with all of you who may either have an IVF coming or for myself as reminders should we (heaven forbid) have to do this again.

1. The amount an injection stings is directly correlated to the amount the injection site is going to bruise.  More Sting=More bruise
2. The farther from my belly button the injection is, the more it stings, therefor the more it bruises.  The top of my pubic line is all sorts of pretty colors right now :-(
3. Bring on the FAT clothes!!!! I haven't fit into my usual pants in a week.  Luckily I had a box of in between clothes that were set aside for when I got to big for regular clothes but hadn't bought maternity clothes yet.
4. If the bloat doesn't get you, the fatigue will.  Be prepared to not feel rested...ever
5. Combine bloating, fatigue, general sore belly and you get ZERO sex drive
6. Combine bloating, fatigue, general sore belly and no sex and you get cranky wife and frustrated husband
7. Always order extra syringes and needles, especially if your mail order pharmacy doesn't charge for them like mine.  1 needle and syringe cost me $12 at the local drugstore!!!!
8. Invest in a all cotton, no wire bra that is one cup size bigger than you usually wear.  You're going to want the extra support at night.
9. Take out stock in panty liners.  You'll be glad when you get to the 2www and the stock price skyrockets because you're buying so many :-)
10. Remember that your husband has to deal with you going through all this.  He may not be experiencing it directly, but he is experiencing through YOU.  He sees your pain, discomfort, frustrations, and happy moments.  As much as the crap you go through is tough for you, its even tougher for him because he can't fix it.  That inherent need that all men have to make it better cannot be satisfied, and that makes this process tough for him.

Fertilization Report

11 Total eggs retrieved
10 mature enough to inseminate
7 fertilized!!!

We will be doing the transfer on Tuesday.  EEEK!

Lab called

and woke me up from my nap (boo).  A's sample had low motility and low morphology so they went ahead and did ICSI on all the eggs, not just the 4 originally planned.  Me in my only half awake state forgot  to ask how many eggs total there were.  SHOOT!

Fertilization report will come tomorrow.  I didn't see Dr. RE after the retrieval, but A did and he seemed really optimistic, so fingers crossed!

Retreival done

We got at least 1o, maybe more.  I'm gonna go nap now.

Retreival on...

THURSDAY!!!

I don't have a ton of time, but I wanted to post an update.  Apparently my ovaries really like Follis.tim and Meno.pur.  I have 13 follicles that are ready to trigger and 2-3 more than will be by tomorrow.  EEEK!  Blood Levels are

E2: 1748!!!
Progesterone 1.1
LH 0.9

I'll post more tonight when I get home.

Saturday US and BW update and frustrations

I went this morning for another US and more blood work, and while I didn't have Mr. Fab tech I didn't have to deal with Ms. Crappy tech either.  I had the Saturday on call tech, and although she wasn't the most gentle I'm beginning to think that with the current state of my ovaries, ever Mr. Fab would make me uncomfortable.  She was pleasant and carried on good conversation with me.  Until she felt the need to tell me about her friend who decided that they were done with treatments and *poof* she got pregnant a month later when they weren't even really trying!  WOW how FANTASTIC for her.
Anyway, that was at 8 am this morning.  I got a promise from both the lab and the US tech that the results would be to the doctors office by 9.  They are an hour ahead of us so that meant the results would be at the office before they "closed" for the day.  The office closes at 10 on Saturdays and the phones roll to the answering service, but the nurses are there until noon.  A and I ran out to do some stuff around town after I mowed the lawn this morning, but I made sure one of us was near my phone the whole time. 2 o'clock game and went and still no phone call so I finally gave in and called the after hours line.  I left a message for them to call me back on the cell phone (the number I have told them time and time again to call me on) and still hadn't gotten a call at 3:15.  I finally called the house voice mail around 3:30 and sure enough the nurse had called that number.  GRRRR  We have a cell phone attached to our house number that we never turn on because the only people who usually call that number are telemarketers. 
SO because the nurse just left me a message, all I know is that things are progressing well and my E2 is up to 687. I don't know how many or the size of my follicles, I don't know my progesterone or LH, and I don't know my lining status.I do know that if things keep progressing the way they are, we will be triggering Monday night and retrieving Wednesday morning.  I have to got back for one more US and more blood draws on Monday morning. 

Ok Deep breaths...its not the end of the world that I don't have all the details I know...but the control freak in me really wants to have all the details and know all the information.  It really goes back to my main frustration with this office and being 3 hours away.  But I LOVE Dr. RE, so I'll deal with it.  Hopefully we won't have to do this again and all will be good.

So tired of being tired!

You know some of the medication side effects I expected...the bloating, the bruising, the mood swings...but this I didn't expect. I am so FRICKING TIRED!  I crashed on the couch about 9 pm last night, after sleeping for nearly 9 hours the night before, and I am sitting here in the last 15 minutes of work (shhh don't tell) desperately trying to stay awake long enough to get home and crash out on the couch again.  Its a really good thing its Friday and other than my US appointment at 8 tomorrow and church on Sunday, I don't have anything I HAVE to do all weekend.  (OK maybe a little work since I'll be out most of next week, but that's not on a time table)

Oh Yea, since I crashed last night, I never updated with my results!  Here you go:
Follicles (Right): 12, 11, 10, 10, 10, 9, 9 (7 total over 7mm)
Follicles (Left): 13, 12, 11, 8, 8, 8, 7 (also 7 over 7mm)
E2: 252
Progesterone: 0.8
LH 0.5
Lining: I forgot to ask!

So things are looking good.  If everything at or over 10 keeps going, we'll have 8 eggs to harvest!  Dr. RE really wants 10, so those 8's and 9's better pick it up.  I go back for another date with Mr. Wandy (and hopefully Mr. Fab Tech) on Saturday. If the research I've done is right, we're looking at retrieval probably Wednesday or Thursday which means transfer Monday or Tuesday (if we make 5 days).  I'm totally nervous right now!  Less than a week away!

Update - Appt with Mr. Wandy today

This is going to be a little random, so I apologize in advance.  I don't have too much going on...but things are going to start to get interesting.

I've leveled out emotionally mostly, but I bet A would say differently.  I've at least stopped randomly crying.  I'm still easily irritated, and I think its mainly because of the daily headache I have, and the bloating isn't helping, but truly those are the only two really side effects I've had.  I did feel like crap the first day of the FSH injections, but I'm sure that was just my body reacting to the meds...plus I forgot that I was only supposed to use HALF the saline to reconstitute the meno.pur OOPS!  I had this enormous lump on my belly ALL DAY and it was really uncomfortable. 

I've got this injection thing down to a routine now, although I still hesitate each time right before I stick myself.  I was doing great until my lu.pron on Sunday stung really bad and gave me an ENORMOUS bruise.  It was my first one (bruise I mean), and it just sucked!  So now I'm a little gun shy.

I feel so blessed to have been given an opportunity to help another couple struggling with IF.  Maddy was going to have to skip a cycle because finances were tight, and it just so happens that she is on one of the meds that I have extras of!   Now if I could just figure out all this stupid customs requirements, I can send this off to her in Canada!

*Family members and those who know A and I well may want to skip this one*  I feel really bad for A.  I've not really felt like ...um ...getting busy since the injections began.  Throw on top of it that I've been kinda bleeding since last Friday, and all loving has been nixed.  I know he's getting frustrated, and its not fair to him, but I'm just not feeling even helping him out. I'm such a bad wife!

I had my first monitoring US this morning.  I have to wait until this afternoon for the results.  As much as I just LOVE my appointments with Mr. Wandy they are made oh so much better by the crappy US tech at the hospital.  The women's center has 2 primary US techs, one guy and one woman, from here on know as Mr. Fab tech and Ms. Crappy tech.  Mr. Fab tech is AMAZING!  He's polite and ever so concerned about my modesty (because half of the medical professionals in out area haven't all ready been up my who-ha).  He always keeps me updated about whats on the screen that I can't see, even though he's not supposed to, and is just a general delight to spend an not so delightful procedure with.  Ms Crappy tech on the other hand is not so wonderful.  First off, she always hands me the wand OVER my belly instead of from under between my legs.  This means that I have to uncover to *ah-hem* insert Mr. Wandy, and inevitable she gets the blue goo on the sheet. So now I'm cold and I have blue goo on the sheet and me. GREAAAAT.  Now did I mention that Ms. Crappy tech is a very small woman?  Well she is, and that means that she makes grand large movements to compensate for it.  Including wide swings of Mr. Wandy back and forth looking for my swollen ovaries.  And she's none to gentle about it!!!  I just wanted to scream at her "They're not punching bags lady!"  Then she doesn't talk at all during the exam..NOT ONE WORD!  so I sit there uncomfortable in the silence with nothing to concentrate on but her jabbing at my uterus while she takes FOREVER!  oh yeah did I mention she's SLOW?  Mr. Fab tech take about 10 minutes to check and double check my ovaries and he's done.  Ms. Crappy tech?  I was in there for 20 minutes and she STILL wasn't done.  When she finally finished up, I managed to sneak a peek at the summary screen while she was printing the results.  It looked like a lot of follicles, at least 8 were listed, but I couldn't make out any of the sizes, and she of course was not telling me.

OK rant over.  Now that things are starting to get interesting, I will try really really hard to post more often.  A was getting on my case the other day that I wasn't posting and if I wanted people to read I actually had to post once in a while. Not that I'm so worried about having 300 followers or anything, but I do hate to neglect those I have.  I promise I'll be better.

One final thought, if you have a few extra prayers, please say them for Eileen.  She is 30 1/2 weeks pregnant with twins and has been having a really rough time.  From my guesses she's spent over half of her pregnancy in the hospital with one complication or another, and found out Monday she will be there until these babies are born.  The icing on the cake, she started having contractions yesterday!  She really wanted to make it to her scheduled C-section on August 31st, but her doctors really want he to make it to August at least.  I know that this community has amazing powers of prayer, and she could really use that right now.

Emotional Meltdown #1

I think it was inevitable...between starting the injections this weekend by myself, one of the fosters (dogs not kids) having 5 seizures over the course of 26 hours while A was still out of town, finally getting to the day of a major conference that I have been planning since March, a house that looks like a tornado came through it and house guests coming on Thursday, a major deadline that has to be met come hell or high water on Wednesday,   and then add to that the stress I've been feeling from a volunteer position at my church...I had a major meltdown tonight.  I'm still not 100% recovered...I start thinking about what happened tonight to trigger the waterworks and I think I'm going to start up again. 

Why is it so hard to choose between what is best for the greater whole and what is best for you?  I am really struggling about whether or not I should continue in my current volunteer position at my church.  A thinks that I should just quit...either that or he's just saying that so I will actually take some action.  The truth is I really haven't felt worshipful for weeks...maybe months.  Don't get me wrong, I have moments of worship, but its nights like tonight that I begin to question why I am really doing this.  Why do I put so much heart and effort in if no one else does.  I'm so frustrated because I know how things can be and (in my opinion) should be and what it will take to get there, and no one else seems to want to make it happen.

Or maybe its just the Lu.pron talking....they don't call it Loopy Lu.pron for nothing  *sigh*

And it begins

I'm exhausted, but I had to put up pictures of the pharmacy I received in the mail today...

And the bottom shelf of my fridge

That's what $6600 of Meds looks like.  I'm SO glad we have good insurance.  All of that cost us MUCH less that the $6600 cash price.

The Lu.pron started today.  And A is out of town so I get to do it all by myself.  Yea Fun.  Oh well bed time.

Pre Cycle Appointment

I haven't posted yet because there's not really much to report.  The pre-cycle appointment went off without much of a hitch.  Nothing unexpected, my cycle is right where I thought it would be (give or take a day), and I'm just generally anxious to get started.  One amazing thing I discovered in prep for this appointment was that I can get up to 10 300IU cartridges of Folll.istim and 30 vials of Meno.pur for one copay each!!!!  We are TOTALLY ordering extra this cycle and I will then either have it on hand if we need it again (hopefully NOT!) or I can donate it to the clinic and can help some other couple who don't have AMAZING medication coverage!  (Including a good friend who is starting an IUI cycle in about 2 weeks!!!)

I have also been blessed to find I have a cycle buddy, Kakunaa, who is actually starting Lup.ron on the SAME DAY I am. (Friday!  Holy crap that's 2 days from now!!!)  If you don't read her blog, I encourage you to go over and check her out.  She's also given me a blog award...but I'll have to write that post later tonight.

So that's the news for now.  I hope you all are having a great short week!

HOLY &!@^#$%$*#(*&

Talk about when it rains it pours!  Let me catch you up since I've been so MIA lately.  I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post!  Sorry about that.

I hit Cycle Day 1 last Sunday and started the birth control.  A still can't get over the fact that I have to go on birth control while we're trying to get pregnant, but I think he's finally accepting it even if he's not understanding it.  I called the Dr, RE's office on Monday and left a message on the Nurses' line that I had started the BC and needed the rest of my protocol.  I wasn't too worried about it, I figured we still had 2 weeks before I really needed to know anything. 

I don't know if the BC I'm on for this is a stronger dose than what I used to take or what, but I had the hardest time getting used to it.  I had the WORST migraine last Monday, and have just been over tired and cranky for most of the last 10 days.   I have to give A credit, I have been so Up and Down and Round and Round, and he's been so patient with me.  I am so blessed to have him as my husband and my soul mate.

So here we get to Yesterday, and I haven't gotten a call back from Dr. RE's office, so I call the nurses line again.  I'm in my weekly staff meeting and my phone rings.  It's on vibrate, but I forgot it was in my pocket.  I ignored the call and continued in my meeting.  About 20 minutes later it rang again, and we were almost done, so I ignored the call again.  It rang a third time almost immediately, so I finally gave up, excused myself from the meeting, and answered it.  It was the Nurse with my protocol...and here's what it is...

On BCP 6/20-7/15

 

Start cycle appt. 7/6-7/9 (final payment due)

 

Lupron start 7/9 in evening... 20 Units each evening, once you start FSH you decrease Lupron to 10 Units.

 

FSH start (Bravelle and Menopur) 7/18

 

First Ultrasound back 7/23

 

Retrieval around 7/29... give or take a day.  transfer 3 to 5 days after retrieval

I got the info and started freaking out...Start cycle appointment???? This was never mentioned!!! That's next week!!!  And our PAYMENT is due?!?!?!!?  What payment?!?!?!? We have awesome insurance for IVF, and I was told before that there would be no payment due until after insurance was billed!!! CRAP!!!!  A in his always calm and optimistic mindset reminds me to take a deep Breath, just call the insurance gal...and call and schedule the appointment it will all be ok. 

So I called, and it's all good.  We do have to go to Dr. Re's office 3 hours away next week for the Start Cycle appointment.  Blood work for A and I both, baseline US, and injection classes (Yea Fun NOT!)  We're driving out Monday night, the appointment is Tuesday at 8:45, and we'll come back Tuesday afternoon/evening.

I can't believe how fast this all came up.  We're going for retrieval a week earlier than I expected.  I have a couple of concerns with the protocol, mainly the use of Bravelle.  The last time we upped the dose of it, I had a non-stop headache, and I'm pretty sure my dose will be at least that high.  Never mind that Follistim is 1/2 as much on my copay. (although either drug is CHEAP compared to what other people have to pay.)  What I did realize what we're saving in good insurance coverage we're making up in driving, hotel, food, and boarding costs.  I think we'll still come out way ahead thanks to some great connections we have (it really helps to know people in the hotel business) but it is a little scary.  I'm nervous, scared, excited, anxious, apprehensive, and ready to plow forward all in the same breath.  The way my feelings about all this have varied over the last 24 hours have been about the same as my moods over the 10 days.  Its UNREAL.

So those of you who have been here before, any pearls of wisdom?  The only medication I'm worried about is the Lupron.  From what I've read those have to go into my tookis, and that means A will have to do them.  Now A is not really a fan of needles anyway, and he hated watching me give myself the shots before.  I'm not sure how he'll do having to give me shots.

Ok this has ended up being really long, and I'm sorry I took so long to come back.  Thanks for sticking with me!