Relief

I had blood work drawn on Monday. Beta was still rising, up to 500 now, but my projesterone was almost dropped in half. The NP was so much more open to me not having the Methotrexate now then they were last week, and I'm relieved. When I flat out told her I was not comfortable with it unless there was a risk to my health, she asked if I would at least be willing to go for an Ultrasound. ABSOLUTLY! I went this morning, and could definitly see a sac that was bigger than what we saw last week, but still empty. I'm waiting on the call from the RE's office, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all being ok. And actually feeling pretty good myself; physicially and emotionally.

Maybe its because spotting started last night. Maybe its because I'm not having any unusual pain. Maybe its because I have a friend who's 3 year old is in the hospital with breathing issues, and she needs me to be there for her. Whatever the reason, I'm ok. Actually I'm better than ok, I'm good. I hae to admit I'm scaring myself a little but here. Even my MIL was concerned that I'm not more upset than I am. Never in a million years did I think that wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve, cry-at-sappy-hallmark-cards me would be this ok with a miscarriage. And its not that I'm holding out hope that the doctors are wrong. I KNOW this pregnancy is not going to happen.

Yet I'm good. I'm not stressed, I'm not crying all the time, I'm not angry, I'm not hurting. I'm sad a little, but its more like a flicker of light in my peripherial vision; it catches your attention for a moment and once you realize what it is, you can just ignore it. It's a very strange feeling this way, but I am truly glad that this is how it has panned out. Lord knows A would much rather not deal with me being a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck. Maybe he's rubbing off on me a little too much.

Show and Tell!!!

It's show and tell time again, and today I would like to share with you why I have the most awesome Husband in the world. Monday was a really rough day for me. I went and had blood drawn in the morning. Usually those results are back and I have a phone call by 10 am LATEST. When I hadn't heard from the docs office by noon, I called them. They didn't even have my results back yet!!! Finally I got a call at 4:15 while we were driving home. It turned out to be a good thing that the lab screwed up my STAT order, because as you all know, dear readers, the news was not good. I was a WRECK Monday night. Totally and completely inconsolable, and as my post was evident to, a little angry. A decided that he needed to give me one of my Christmas presents early. An that is today's show and tell.

He really debated about whether or not to give it to me at all, but I am so glad he did! While I may not have a baby on an US to show for it, I did conceive, and that's a HUGE step forward for me. In 2+ years of this journey, that's something I have never been able to claim.

Oh and he got me a tile coaster that says the same thing...and thinks I should take it to work with me...I'm not quite ready to go there yet, maybe when I have a big baby bump, and maybe not even then. It just doesn't seem like an appropriate sentiment for the office..you know?

Finding peace

At the US today, they found a small but empty sac in my uterus and no signs of an ectopic (thank God for small blessings). The RE wanted to give me the methotrexate injection today, but we asked if since there was sign of an ectopic, we could just stop the progesterone supplements and let it resolve naturally. He agreed to give it a week, but if I haven't started bleeding by next Monday, I have to go for a repeat beta and we will re-evaluate. If my levels are dropping, he will let me keep going, if not, he wants me to have the shot then. If somehow my levels explode (1600+), I'll probably demand another US before we do anything.(assuming he doesn't ask for it first)

For some reason, sitting in the office after the US results were read, I got this overwhelming sense of peace. I think because A and I had decided to only take the methotrexate if there was evidence of an ectopic (or another danger to my physical well being), knowing I shouldn't be forced to medically terminate this pregnancy made this all a little easier. I am a firm believer that abortion is not the choice for me, and taking the injection just feels too much like an abortion for my comfort. It's one thing if my health and well being (or possible future pregnancies) are at risk, but just to make this go faster doesn't sit well with me.

By letting it resolve naturally, I am putting everything in God's hands, and that takes a great weight off my shoulders. A made the comment in the car on the way to the Dr. today that this whole thing in a way HAS been an answer to my prayers. I was so worried that the answer was "No" and this is God's way of telling me the answer is "Not right now". There is something else in store for me, something that being pregnant would not allow. I don't know what it is, I don't know when I will, but I have to have faith that God knows what he is doing and would not put me through this pain if it weren't absolutely necessary.

Thank you world for the slap in the face

Today's beta was only 192. I go in tomorrow for a ultrasound and assuming they don't find anything, (which they don't expect to) I will get a Methotrexate injection to induce a miscarriage. God I can't even type that without busting into tears. I am just so upset right now.

I take it all back, everything I said about wanting to experience the joy of being pregnant...this pain is so much worse than if I just hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place...and 3 days before Christmas at that. Merry fricking Christmas to me. Now not only will I have the holiday as a reminder of what I don't have, it will be a reminder of what I lost...FANTASTIC

I'm not going to work tomorrow, and probably not the rest of the week. We'll just have to see.

God this SUCKS!

I hate all this waiting

Really I just want some answere. Good or bad, I just want to KNOW!.

I realized I never updated after my beta last Wednesday. I was so wrapped up in getting ready for family to come this weekend, I totally forgot to post. BAD BLOGGER! Anyway, my numbers did continue to rise, although again, not as much as they wanted, I was only at a 76. They're concerend about an ectopic now, and sent me more another beta and progesterone test this morning. With all of my other tests I've had a phone call by 10:00 am, some as early as 8:30. I've been at the lab around the same time (give or take 10 minutes) every time. I KNEW there was going to be a problem when the vials didn't have the bright orange STAT labels on them. I asked the nurse if she had them, and she assured me she would put them on, but I'm begining to think she didn't. Either that or my numbers are so screwed up that they don't know what to do with me and are waiting to talk to the Dr. at their noon conference call. I'm seriously hoping for the fomer and fearing the latter.

I really hate waiting.

The results are in...

40.6!

It's official, according to the Dr.'s office, we caught it early, and I am preggers!!!! I go for one more blood draw on wednesday and assuming that is between 80 and 100 (or more) They will schedule my first US! I know the numbers are still really low, but they are positive so I will be too.

I am beyond excited right now. I just can't thank you, my followers and readers enough for all your support and kind words during the last few weeks. It seems like when you hit your lowest low, as I felt I had a couple weeks ago, the highs are so much higher. I hope that all of you who are still waiting for your positives get them so very soon. I wish for everyone to be able to experience the joy I have right now.

Pause..until Monday

2nd beta results are in.

17.4

Not the 21 or 25 we were hoping for, but still an increase. And increases are good. I go back on Monday for another test. If the numbers go up I keep on keeping on. If the numbers go down or stay the same (less than 20), I stop the meds and let nature do its thing. My cloud 9 is a little deflated, but I'm still being optimistic.

Something in my heart says that this is truly meant to be, but I can't help being a little scared. I'm still going to go ahead with my plans to tell my Dad this weekend, but not the whole extended family like we had originally thought. I think I'm going to need the excitement and happiness over the weekend to get me through.

Thank you for all the kind words and support I've gotten over the last week. It's amazing how my emotions have been all over the place. A keeps saying I'd better be knocked up, becuase if I'm not with these moods swings, I've got serious problems :-)

Show and Tell

I have found a great new blog, Stirrup-Queens, and one of the things Mel does each week is show and Tell. This week I've decided to join in. Head on over to Mel's Blog to see the rest of this week's class. Here is mine


There is a lot that goes with this picture, most good, a little bad, but primarily it is a reminder to me of happier (although naive) times. This picture was taken on the cruise that A and I went on in January 2008, just at the beginning of our TTC journey. I had gone off the pill in September, and we were in the "not preventing" stage until the cruise to give my body the recommended 3-4 months to adjust after being on the pill for as long as I had been. His co-workers nicknamed it the "motion of the ocean" cruise. I had grand expectations of actually concieving on this trip (I was in fact probably going to ovulate our last day out). I had no concept of how difficult this journey would be. It was all new and exciting. I didn't know what BBT or OPK or BFP even meant at this point, I just knew that A was finally ready to really kick things into high gear! I have this picture sitting on my desk at work and hanging on the wall at home to help me remember on my worst days as we have gone through all of this that I was excited at one point, and I should remain that way. That no matter what happens or how long it takes, I have to remain excited about the process and keep baby-making fun!

The second thing this picture does for me is reminds me I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I made the dress I am wearing in this picture, and it was a HUGE challenge for me. I am a pretty decent seamstress, so the dress in general wasn't that hard, it was a fairly simple pattern, my problem is I am a different size on top than I am on bottom. So in order to make a failry fitted dress look good, I had to customize the pattern for me. I didn't realize the undertaking this would be when I started the dress a week before we left, but I perservered and got it done in time to take it with!

Finally (and the one negative this picture has), I am at the heaviest I have ever been in this picture. Most people would look at this and say it's not bad, I 'don't look heavy, but what you have to understand is that 10 years ago I weighed more than 100 lbs less than I do in this picture. Just 4 years earlier I had been almost 50 lbs lighter. I was skinny (perhaps too much so) my entire life. When I went to college and let my weight get ahead of me, and then got married and let it get worse, I honestly believe that may be part of what caused my downward spiral into infertility. Insulin Resistance can lay dormant for years and be triggered into action by poor diet and weight gain. This picture helps me to never forget where I was and why I don't wasy to be back there. This picture is a constant reminder that I am in control of my weight and only I can do anything about it. Now, almost all the way back down to the weight I was when we got married, and 30 lbs of that in the last 6 months, I feel confident that I am in control of everything I can be in control of. The rest I leave up to God.

That's my Show and Tell for today. Don't for get to go check out the others in today's class.

OMG OMG OMG

Beta results are in....

12.6!!!!!!

The nurse is "cautiously optimistic" that I am pregnant. They really would like to see a 25 or higher at this point, but anything over a 5 is good. I go back Friday for a repeat and anything over a 21 will confirm.

AHHHHHHHH!

Tomorrow...Tomorrow...

You're only a day away!

Why does it seem like 14 days can last forever? Tomorrow is my beta. I don't know what to think. I've been feeling really wierd for the last...well since Thanksgiving. Lots of strange symptoms I don't usually have, ones I do usually have lasting longer, some completly absent. I've been having all these wierd twinges and sudden bouts of nausea that go away as quickly as they come. I hate to get myself all worked up just to be let down. I have a dollar store test sitting on my kitchen table for the morning, so I can prepare myself for the nurse's phone call. I'm scared to take it.

I can't look and that starm white blankness again. I have such big plans for having a wonderful Christmas and don't want them to be dashed. We're going to see family this weekend and having family at our house next weekend, and they all know (mainly because my parents can't keep their big mouths shut) that my beta is tomorrow. I don't want to face all the questions. I don't want to deal with having to tell people over and over again I'm not pregnant...again.

Another blogger friend posted earlier this week (or maybe it was last week I can't seem to find the post now) that all she wanted for christmas was a dead baby. She, like me, has never even known the joy of getting pregnant. She expressed that maybe if she had at least been pregnant and miscarried, people would understand the pain she was feeling. Unstead, people offer useless advice and tell you your time will come and don't get that EVERY month requires some level of mourning. If she had the dead baby in her history maybe then people would understand.

While I can't say I would ever wish for a miscarriage, I understand where she is coming from. At least then you have something tangible to mourn. At least then you have others to morun the loss with you. At least then its not as taboo. At least then you're not a complete failure as a mother. You've been a mother, if only for a short time. You may not have children yet in this life, but there is hope for you.

All of these negative thoughts may be in vain. I may be pregnant right now. I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to know. Part of me wants to stay in limbo where there's still a little shred of hope, a small light at the end of the tunnel. I guess tomorrow will tell.

Addresses

To all who read my blog:

At this time of year I am reminded of all the small gifts in life. Right now one of the biggest gifts for me has been this blog. Having an outlet for my fears, frustrations and hopes has made a HUGE difference in my life over the past several months. Even if you don't comment, I would like to acknowledge you. Please send me an e-mail with your snail mail address so I can.

Thanks!
Nicole

Prayers for a friend...

Another blogger friend is struggling right now with the fall through of her open adoption. Long story short, everything was a go up until AFTER the baby was born, and now the birth mother has reneged. Please keep Bon and her husband from icanhazbebe in your prayers as they struggle with all the emotions that this situation has presented.

Crying in Church

Let me preface this post by saying 2 things:

1. Although I am a VERY emotional person, I am a very PRIVATELY emotional person. I hate it when I lose it in public places, especially somewhere where I can't hide.

2. I run the sound for the praise band at our church and A sings and plays guitar in that band. We both play a VERY active role in the service each week, and really feel that the way we connect with God is through music. Oh, and I love listening to him sing.

Today started our Advent sermon series, which is titled "Gifts", and today's sermon was about the gift of Hope Christ offers to us even in our darkest hours. As part of the worship team, we knew ahead of time the theme for the series and each week. As such, one of the songs the band director picked this week was "From the Inside out" by Hillsong and it just happens to be one of my and A's favorites, and one he sings lead on.

There have only been a couple of times when I have truly felt touched by the Holy Spirit...like God was talking directly to me. The first was the first time A ever sang with the band. It was a Maundy Thursday service (and the first I had ever been too) and one of the songs was "Above All" The idea that one man could...and would...give his life so I could live eternal life in heaven was so profound to me that night, I couldn't help myself, I had the big old crocodile tears right there in the pew.

The second was a little over a year ago, at a Chris Tomlin worship concert. He has a version of "Amazing Grace" that is just beautiful. When we were at this concert (with that friend who has been telling me to give this all to God no less) I had just hit the first point of desperation. We were having no luck getting pregnant, didn't know why at this point, and still had 3 months or so before my doctor would even see me because it hadn't been a year yet. After the message, Chris went right into Amazing Grace. He hit that first chorus, and the emotions just over took me. I realized that if I could just give it to him, my chains would be gone.

Fast forward to today, and once again A is singing, and this time its "From the Inside out" by Hillsong. The lyrics in the chorus are
"My heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord
My soul cries out"

With the conversation we had on Tuesday and all the reflecting I've been doing this week, it just really hit me hard today. And there I was sitting in front of the sound board, fighting off the urge to just ball like I did Tuesday night. There was no fighting the crocodile tears, but I at least kept the sobs at bay...until the message. If I could just give control over to God he would give me Hope. His light will shine when I feel all hope is lost. All I have to do is ask Him to tear open the heavens and pour it out upon me. Today I prayed these lyrics over and over, and until I truly feel that I have accomplished it, I will continue to pray:

My heart and my soul,
Lord I give You control.
Consume me from the inside out Lord
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord
My soul cries out

A realization

I had a really rough night last night. A and I are involved in a Disciple Bible Study at church (a 36 week in depth study of the bible, basically cover to cover). We're in week 10, and have gotten to 1 & 2 Kings. This week's lesson was all about the prophets, Elijah and Elisha mostly. Near the end of the night, we started our "how does this apply to today's life" discussion, and one of the questions was "Who has been a prophet in your life? Who has brought you a warning?"

I have a good friend (lets call her Hannah) who is a former worship leader and knows all the struggles we are going through. For the last year, she has been encouraging me to give this all over to God. And I've failed. I'm a control freak. I've convinced myself that I have control in this situation, and I don't want to give it up. I realized that Hannah is my prophet. If God was going to speak to me through anyone, it would be her. I respect her relationship with Christ, and at times I am a little envious of it. Part of the reason I joined this study was to help me develop a relationship with God that was more like hers. But even coming to the realization that I do believe it is God talking to me through her, I still can't give it up. We got in the car after group, and A turned to me and said: "I want you to think about something long and hard between now and next week. You keep talking about it at Disciple, but you never follow through. What's wrong with asking for prayer?"

You see, we share prayer requests (joys and concerns) each week at the end of class. His point was, if I want to give this over to God, and am struggling with that, then what better group of people to ask to help me with that...through their prayer. And the truth is, there is no good reason. Just all the stupid little petty selfish hormonal reasons that I keep kidding myself about. It boils down to one thing...

If I can't pray for myself, how can I ask others to pray for me?

This thought hit me so hard last night. On top of a whole other barrage of emotions that are probably 100% hormone imbalance related, I realized that I feel like I've failed as a Christian (among other things). I talk the talk really well, but I struggle to walk the walk. I know what I probably need to do, but I can't follow through. I'm so scared that I won't like the answer. We recently read about Hannah and how she prayed for years and years for God to bless her with a child, and finally her prayers were answered. But I can't bring myself to do that. It seems so selfish. It seems like I am am asking for MY will to be done not God's. Even though it's really what I want to pray for, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to talk to God about ME what I'm not ready to say "yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42)

And that is why I need to ask others for prayer

So here I am, taking that first step. Blog friends, if you are the praying type, will you please pray for me. Not that this cycle works, not that I get pregnant (although that couldn't hurt), but that I can let go. Please pray that I can find the strength and wisdom to know the difference between those things I have control over and the things I need to give to God. Pray that I can find peace through this whole process and can accept God's path for me, whatever it may be. Pray that I can find a way to talk to God about me.

Officially in the 2ww

We had IUI #2 this morning. Just like last time, A's day 1 numbers were so-so and the day 2 numbers were through the roof. He is apparrantly a 24 hour kinda guy...no wonder the everyother day method wasn't working for us! He's totally excited that this means when it comes time for baby #2 eventually we'll be employing the every day method :-D

The CNP who did my procedure was SO excited both about my sono results from Saturday and A's wash results. She even said she didn't think I needed a blood draw on 7dpIUI to check my estrogen since it's always been good! She gave me a hug as we left (which was totally ok because I'm a hugger) and said I'll talk to you in 2 weeks.

Beta is scheduled for December 9th. Let the waiting begin.

Trigger Tonight

I finally get to trigger tonight! I'm a little nervous about it though, although DR. RE doesn't seem to think I should be. I have 7 total follicles over 15, but only 2 are over 18 and only one was at 20 as of my USthis morning. I've always thought it would be great to have twins, ever since I was a little girl I'm nervous about more than that though. The doc doesn't think that any of the follicles but the 18 and the 20 will release when I trigger tonight, so keep your fingers crossed for me. IUI's are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday Morning, beta on the 10th. Just in time for me to know when we get together with my Dad's family on the 12th!!!

Still holding...

Had my US and Bloodwork this morning. My follicles are growing nicely. There are now 4 that are 13 or bigger, 3 on the left side (which should THE side this cycle). Bad news though, my E2 levels dropped, and they're still under 100.

I realized I had NO idea what this level indicated so I wnt and did some research with Dr. Google. Here's what I found out:

Estradiol (E2) Cycle Day 3: 25-75 pg/ml Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Day 4-5 of meds: 100+ pg/ml or 2x Day 3 There are no charts showing E2 levels during stimulation since there is a wide variation depending on how many follicles are being produced and their size. Most doctors will consider any increase in E2 a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3.

Surge/hCG day: 200 + pg/ml The levels should be 200-600 per mature (18 mm) follicle. These levels are sometimes lower in overweight women.

So here I am at Day 5 of injections, and I'm only at 71. With 4 maturing follicles, according to this information, I should be closer to 1000! UGH! SO I'm doubling my injection dose for the next 2 days, and I have to go for another US and more blood on Saturday. Hopefully this will take care of it and I will get my IUI on Sunday and Monday or Monday and Tuesday.

Plus side is now A only has to miss 1 morning day of hunting at the most. That is a BIG relief and a huge weight of guilt off my shoulders.

Holding Pattern

I am currently in a holding pattern until an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow. Things have been really weird the last week, including AF showing in FULL glory last Friday, a full WEEK after my 2 days of light flow. They had me start the injections Saturday anyway, since another protocal they do does that med day 3-8. I went for my first US and blood work yesterday, and everything is progressing well. I had 2 follicles (16 and 13 mm) on my left side and a 13 on my right side. So we continue 2 more days of meds and go back in the morning. Fingers Crossed.

Unfortunatley, this puts us at probably having the IUI Friday& Saturday or Saturday & Sunday. This totally SUCKS for A because he is a deer hunter and this weekend in First Shotgun season in Illinois. He only gets 7 days a year to shotgun hunt (he bow hunts too, but hasn't had much, ok any, luck yet this year) 3 days in November and 4 in December. And the November is THIS Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. There's just no real way for us to make this happen and him go hunt in the am. (For those who don't know, deer hunting is best right at sunrise or the hour before sundown) The RE's office is an hour away, so he HAS to go with to make the "deposit"The time frame is too close in case of traffic or other issues to attempt to do it at home and me go myself. To make it worse, they only do the IUI's in the morning (7, 8, and 9). I feel really bad about it. I gave him a hard time about it a couple weeks ago when I realized that we were going to be close, but I didn't actually think we were going to hit THIS weekend. And now here we are, and I feel like a total @ss.

Why can't our bodies just cooperate???

And we are a go

We're a go for the next cycle. Dr. RE thinks this light cycle was just a fluke. Meds start tonight, injections over the weekend, ultrasound and blood work a week from today.

And....deep breath....exhale...relax

4 days of Craziness

Wow the last 4 days have been INSANE in my world of IF. Here's what's been happening

Friday: Mild cramping, BFN HPT, pretty sure AF will arrive over the weekend. Call Dr. RE's office to find out what they want to do. I'm supposed to have a baseline US on CD 2 and then start meds that night. That might be Sunday, might be Monday, but getting a US appointment can be a pain since I live out of town and have it done locally. Do they want to schedule it for Monday? No if I don't start, they'll charge me for the cancellation if its not at least 2 hours in advance, and when you have the first appt of the morning that's impossible. Nurse says if I start call monday am and they'll try and get me in Monday afternoon somewhere. Calls in prescription, says to start on CD 2 if I start on Saturday.

Saturday: AF shows mid-day, but really light. No usual symptoms, no cramping, no heavy flow..strange.

Sunday: Same as Saturday, very light AF. Take first of 5 doses of meds.

Monday: AF GONE! after 2 days??? Very Strange. Call Dr. RE's office have baseline US scheduled for 1:30 at hospital. Go in, tech is of no help, offers NO information, won't even let me see screen (grrr). Go back to work to wait for phone call. Fast forward to 6pm, still no call from Dr. RE's office. I call after hours line. Since US was at hospital and had to be sent, On-call nurse doesn't have access to it electronically and hasn't seen it. She's concerned that I might be pg...implanting late. Take HPT at home tonight, if negative take meds if comfortable, or wait for US results in morning. HPT is negative after 4 hours holding it. Skip meds anyway, I'm not Taking any chances.

Tuesday AM: Nurse calls, US shows lots of little follicles forming, thin lining. Could have been a fluke, but she still uneasy. Dr. RE calls to check in around noon, she'll check with him. Do nothing until she calls back. He may want to see me when he comes to town (1 hour away instead of 3) tomorrow.

UGH I am freaking a little here!!!

Good News

I got good...no amazing news today...and no I'm not preggo on our break cycle (at least that I know of yet, but I did have some spotting yesterday and today, which I think is 8-9 DPO based on my CM...STOP!!!)

Anyway, I found out that our new insurance options are WAY better than I thought for IF, in fact they're even better than our current coverage. 100% coverage for procedures with NO deductible or Co-pay, and injectables will be a $40 co-pay per script!!! Only bad news is our RE isn't in the network, we actually he is but the clinic we see him at isn't. Let me explain.

Dr. RE has an office in a major city 3 hours away. He comes to a clinic 1 hours away once a week to see patients and perform surgeries. Obviously we go to the one closer. When we see him there, the CLINIC sends the bill, not Dr. RE, so it's their network status that matters not his. If we drive to his clinic 3 hours away, we get the in network coverage. And for 100% coverage, I'll make that drive.

Good news is the clinic is in talks with the local hospital to merge, and the hospital is in network. If the merge goes through, the clinic would HAVE to join the network!!! and they should have a decision by December 1st!!! I can't tell you how excited I was to hear this. 1 hour is way better than 3.

Now if I can just keep from obsessing for the next week. I was at dollar tree yesterday to pick up some stuff for Halloween, and couldn't stop myself; I bought 2 tests. A doesn't know, he'd probably kill me if he did, I'm not even sure that he has any idea where I am in my cycle or the we did the deed on what I think was the optimal day (purely coincidence). DR. RE said if AF hadn't shown by day 35 to take a test and call him if it was negative. That's a another 2 whole weeks from now!!! I'm going to lose my mind.

I'm still here

I'm still alive, still doing OK, just taking a break from everything IF. We're taking this cycle of from any treatment, Dr's orders, so I'm just kinda coasting. We're currently at MIL helping her clean out her house, and its been a tough week, but I'll tell you all about it when I get home next week.

On a really BAD front, we found out this week that work is discontinuing the HMO insurance option and now our only insurance option is either a PPO or a High deductible health plan. Instead of the FANTASTIC coverage for IF we had with the HMO ($40 per procedure co-pay all the way up to IVF) we're no looking at only about 60% coverage, and maybe less because my RE isn't in the network. GRRRRR We've got one more IUI attempt before Jan 1, since we have to take october and probably december off. If it doesn't work, I'm not sure how much more we'll be able to do. I was so relieved jthat our insurance was SO good, and now to lose it is a really devestating blow.

And the verdict is...

negative. Just like I figured. I'm bummed, but not too much. I was prepared for it. Now we'll take a month off and try again in November.

Beta Today

Well today is the day. Beta day. I'm not feeling hopeful. I feel like I have every other cycle. Crampy, crabby, gassy...all the usual. I visited the vampires this morning and should have my results sometime this afternoon. I'll let you know when I get official results.

Still waiting

My beta is on Thursday. I SO want to test at home, but I know its an effort in futility, I had a booster shot of HSG at 7dpIUI, so it will come up positive even if I'm not pregnant probably until tomorrow at the earliest. I'm seriously considering testing Thursday morning at home, just so I don't have my initial reaction (good or bad) at work. A keeps telling me that I am going to question it until the blood work comes back no matter what, so I should just wait.

Right now I'm doing what I always do during my 2ww. Analyzing every little twinge, cramp, headache, tenderness, and symptom. So much feels like typical pms symptoms, yet I haven't started spotting yet (I'm sure the progesterone supplements are helping with that). Normally I spot for 4-5 days first, so even if I'm not pg, the prog has eliminated that which is nice. I started with some mild cramping last night, but nothing as strong as I usually get...UGH Listen to me I'm still doing it.

I swear this is going to be the LONGEST.WEEK.EVER!

IUI #2 was WAY better

We went in this morning for IUI # 2 and OH MY Goodness was this one better! A's numbers were almost 10 TIMES more than yesterday! Right now I cautiously optimistic about this, but I still have 2 weeks to wait to find out! My beta is scheduled for 10/08, and A made me promise not to test before then, but I'm not sure I'll be able to hold out. I'm thinking maybe the 5th or 6th I might actually test. I'll be 13 days past the IUI at that point, that should be more than enough to give me an answer. Plus there's that excitement of actually seeing those 2 lines before you know they are coming, and I'll probably get the call at work, so I'd really rather be prepared for whatever the news is so I don't freak out there. We shall see. In the mean time it's still a LOT of waiting.

IUI - Good and Bad

The IUI went ok this morning. Everything was great from my end. Catheter went in super easy, and I know our timing is right on because I have lots of ovulation symptoms today. Bad part, A's pre and post wash numbers SUCKED!!! :-(

I don't understand it. 6 months ago his numbers were "low side of normal" according to my OB. How does that drop so much in that little time??? We're hoping it was just a fluke, that they'd been sitting too longm but I'd be lying if I didn't say the news totally deflated me. I was so excited about this cycle and the IUI, and now I'm not really all that hopeful.

We did lean something today. The statement "It only takes one sperm" is actually totally false. It takes about 50,000 releasing their enzymes to break down the calcium barrier around the egg enough for 1 sperm to get in. I never knew that!

We go back tomorrow morning for a second attempt, and I'm hoping for some better numbers. If not, A will be going to see a boy doctor. I was really hoping this was going to be the end of our journey, but it looks like its just another intersection.

Blood work & Ultrasound

I had blood work and an ultrasound done this morning to check the status of my reaction to the meds, but I won't know the officialy results till after noon. I"m hoping ti all went well, but not too well. Dr. RE won't proceed with the IUI with more than 4 folicles, and doesn't reccommend it with more than 2. The tech said I had 3 on EACH SIDE (YIKES), but I don't know how big any of them were. I just have to sit and wait for the phone call.

On another note, A and I had a gread day yesterday for our 6th anniversary. We just laid around the house and watched football, and I scrapbooked. I was really glad that he didnt want to do anything special, it was really a bittersweet day for me. We've always said from the day we got married that we would wait till we'd been married 5 years to have kids. Everytime we were asked the response was "When we've been married 5 years". Well here we are at 6 with no kids. *sigh* Hopefully we won't make it to 7.


*ETA* only 1 folicle was mature, but Dr. RE wants me to trigger tonight and come tomorrow AM for the IUI!!!

1 down 3 to go

Well I actually managed to do my first injection last night. I was doing great until it actually came time to stick myself. I don't have any problems with shots, never have. I got alergy shots from the time I was 5 until highschool. I gave myself anti-coagulation shots after my car accident 6 years ago. For whatever reason, this one just created a mental block and I couldn't do it. I couldn't rely on A to do it either, he's not a fan of needles. He says he has no problem with me doing it to myself, but I know there's no way HE would even stick me willingly. Either way I finally sucked it up and got it over with, and it wasn't near as bad as I was thinking. Shoot I didn't even feel the stick really.

3 to go.

Good news--that's potentially dangerous

So I found out this weekend that my sister is ENGAGED! I am so excited for her, but at the same time a little nervous. They have already set the date, June 19th 2010, and IF the IUI is successful this cycle that would put my tentative due date at June 18th!!!!! I don't mind being ready to pop at her wedding, but I sure don't want to miss it! I've even contemplated not doing this cycle just to give us a little window. OK that thought only lasted a couple seconds, but I did have it.

I can't schedule my life around hers, and I can't ask her to schedule her life around a maybe. IF I was already pregnant, it would be a totally different story, but I'm not. And its only a 25% chance the IUI will work, so its a BIG maybe.

I have faith that God has a plan for all of this, and whatever His plan is, so be it. There have been several things that have happened in the last 2 years that I wouldn't have been able to do or take care of if I had been pregnant, so there's a reason He's waiting. I need to stop questioning it and just trust. It's hard sometimes, but I'm getting there.

Home from my trip...on to the injectables

I have been gone for the past 3 days on a business trip to Atlanta. It was a good trip, I learned a lot at the conference, but I am glad to be home. The timing worked out just perfectly, I start the injectables tonight for 4 days.

While on my trip, I got the opportunity to see my mom. 2 years ago she and her husband (they got married long after I was gone to college so I don't really view him as my step-dad) moved from Illinois to South Carolina. They left with all of about 14 days notice to my sister and I, and I didn't get to see her before she moved a 12 hour drive away. Not for lack of trying mind you...they drove right past the city I live in on their way to SC, but it was at 6am and they didn't want to "inconvenience" me that early in the morning, even though I was the one who offered to meet them at a gas station right off the highway so I could at least give her a hug. Needless to say, our relationship has been strained for a while, and even more so after that.

Anyway, when I found out I was going to be a little over an hour from where she lives, I decided to take a chance and see if she wanted to come to Atlanta and see me. I didn't have a rental car, and wasn't really going to have the time to drive to see her, but I would have some time to spend with her if she could come to me. I really didn't expect her to accept the offer, but I thought I would try. Sure enough, she jumped at the chance to get away for a little bit and come see me...sans hubby. Long story short, we had a great visit, better than we've had in a really long time, and she is really excited for A and me that we are going ahead with a treatment cycle. She also had trouble conceiving, and although clomid was all it took for her, she at least gets it a little.

Day 1

Well it's official, we've started our first IUI cycle. I picked up half my meds today, the other half are being delivered Tuesday. I'm nervous and excited all in one big ball. I'll got days 2-6 with oral meds, then days 7-10 with injectables. Blood work and an Ultrasound on day 11, and we go from there.

I had a minor breakdown last night though. I had a really bad evening, and it just kept getting worse and worse. A came home from his meeting at church, and I was a mess. He finally just flat out asked me if I needed a good cry, and looking back I think he was right. I had my good cry, got a hug from him and then had some happy in my Dr. Pepper and felt much better :-)

Surgery follow-up

So we went back to the RE today for the follow up to my laparoscopy this t afternoon, and he started the conversation with good news and bad news. The good news, everything looks really good, I have beautiful insides. The bad news, everything looks really good, I have beautiful insides. Basically it boils down to my PCOS is probably causing "overcooked" eggs that just aren't good enough to do what they need to. So what do we do I ask. And here's the plan to start with my next cycle:
1. Meds to stimulate those folicles to grow
2. More meds to stimulate those folicles to grow bigger (injectables - ouch)
3. Ultrasound to check those folicles are big enough
4. More meds to stimulate those folicles to release an egg (more injectables)
5. Wait 2 days
6. Trip to RE's office 2 days in a row for IUI.
7. Wait 2 weeks.
8. Find out if it worked

I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. Given A's "low of normal" SA, Dr. RE wants to skip the "at home insemination" and go straight to the assisted one. The best of all of this, is our insurance is AWESOME for it. It will cost us only about $150 out of pocket for the whole cycle!!! Meds and all!!! From what I've heard from othe women who've been through it, this is WAY cheap. So here's to hoping all goes well.

And another bonus, I've lost 10 pounds since I was at his office 6 weeks ago! HOLY COW!

Bittersweet

Today has been bittersweet. Its my 29th birthday, and I honestly never believed I would make it this far childless. I am officially older than my mom was when she was DONE having kids. ( and she was pg 3 times, 1 mc) Today also marks the 2 year point from when A finally gave in to my prodding for starting.

It was still a good birthday. I got sweet phone calls from all of my family, a really GREAT conversation with my mom (more on that later), and some great Bears gear from A as my gift. Plus a nice dinner out and then a football game tonight. so once I got bast all the milestones this day holds, it was a good day. Hopefully by this time next year I won't be repeating this post, just a lot more forlorn because I'm officially 30!

Really?????

I heard this news today:
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=8461762

Really? I mean really? Here all I'm asking for is 1, maybe 2 someday, and she's getting ready for #19????? UGH

I know its totally selfish and really not at all relevant to my live at all, but I can't help but just be so GREEN when I hear things like that.

On the up side, at least they have the ability to support that many children, unlike so many other parents who just cant keep their legs closed; but that's a whole other rant

A Little History

I figure its best to start at the beginning. My husband (A) and I decided in September of 2007 that after 4 years of marriage we were ready to have a baby. I had been ready for about a year prior to that, but he wanted to wait a little longer. Some really good friends of ours had a 8 month old at that time and were expecting their second in late November, and I think that just kicked it for him. We had a cruise planned for January, and so I went off the pill in November to give my body a little adjustment period before we "officially" started trying. We had no luck jfor the first six months, even though I was having pretty regular cycles. In June 2008 I started monitoring my cycles more closely and tracking my temps. Betweem June and January of 2009, I only had 3 cycles, and only ovulated once that I am sure of. I went back to the doctor in January 2009, and we tried 4 cycles with clomid with no success. My regular OB/Gyn referred me to an RE, and just this week I had a laprascopy and hystersocopy. Everything looked good during the procedure, and I go back a week from Wednesday for my followup.
Its been a long journey so far, and its not over yet, but I'm optimistic about the future. We have a doctor with a plan and a next step. Hopefully soon it will lead to us having a little miracle of our own.

Joining the craze

Well I'm finally taking the plunge. So many people I know have started a blog as a therapeutic way to deal with some of the struggles that they are going through, and have found it really helpful. My hope is that through this blog I will find out outlet for some of my frustrations and emotions and find a happy place so to speak. I don't anticipate having a lot of followers or getting a lot of comments, this is more about me being able to vent those things that I just can't talk to people in general about. For those of you who will join me on this journey, thank you. I hope you find some benefit from reading my words.